Falling for a hook up
After years of happily going from hook up to hook up while maintaining a healthy open relationship that has endured for 30 + years with a super wonderful Lover, Partner, Roommate, and Best Friend, I have never thought it was possible to make a connection of any real consequence beyond the trappings of lustful emotions and the need to satisfy my overactive inner sexpig. But something awakened feelings that I have not had for any other Man a few years back and I have had a hard time making sense of the situation that I find myself in. I have been able to leave any deep emotional connection behind when I hooked up. There was never any talk of future plans other than when we might see each other next for a roll in the hay let alone professing any emotional dependence or nurturing ties. Any use of the L word was strictly in the heat of the moment and was more often fueled by whatever enhancements were in use during the time spent together.
But one day some 4 or 5 years ago i crossed that line. I don't remember when or how it happened but it did. And I have been dealing with this ever since. I can honestly say that I am both happy to have crossed that line and sad. The experience has shown me a part of me that I don't even know still existed or even existed at all. I was never really the touchy feely kind of person to begin with. I didn't feel the need for cuddling or hugging. Kissing has never been an erotic necessity much like my nips aren't hard wired like they are for most guys. Yet these sexual buttons were pushed in such a way that i had never experienced before. Was this intentional on the part of the play time that I was not aware of? I cannot answer that. Or did I welcome it because it stroked my ego while stroking my cock. Which ever it was I was addicted to the way it made me feel and how the person responded. I think that is where the problems arose. I exchanged indifference for attachment and independence for affirmation. I had never wanted nor needed anyone to make me feel better about myself because I was secure how I felt about myself. Now what someone else thought of me and even how I perceived the way they interacted with me became devastatingly important. How could this happen to me, the King of the NSA hook up? I have no one to blame but myself. All at once I was a giddy lovelorn man excited by the emotional rollercoaster I was on and a man who was reduced to a jealous, weakened c***d with no past experience or support network to fall back on.
And so here I am today still not having learned anything from the ups and the downs of Falling for a hook up. What am I to do? I can't get off this ride and it's starting to make me ill. I always loved roller coasters, until now.
But one day some 4 or 5 years ago i crossed that line. I don't remember when or how it happened but it did. And I have been dealing with this ever since. I can honestly say that I am both happy to have crossed that line and sad. The experience has shown me a part of me that I don't even know still existed or even existed at all. I was never really the touchy feely kind of person to begin with. I didn't feel the need for cuddling or hugging. Kissing has never been an erotic necessity much like my nips aren't hard wired like they are for most guys. Yet these sexual buttons were pushed in such a way that i had never experienced before. Was this intentional on the part of the play time that I was not aware of? I cannot answer that. Or did I welcome it because it stroked my ego while stroking my cock. Which ever it was I was addicted to the way it made me feel and how the person responded. I think that is where the problems arose. I exchanged indifference for attachment and independence for affirmation. I had never wanted nor needed anyone to make me feel better about myself because I was secure how I felt about myself. Now what someone else thought of me and even how I perceived the way they interacted with me became devastatingly important. How could this happen to me, the King of the NSA hook up? I have no one to blame but myself. All at once I was a giddy lovelorn man excited by the emotional rollercoaster I was on and a man who was reduced to a jealous, weakened c***d with no past experience or support network to fall back on.
And so here I am today still not having learned anything from the ups and the downs of Falling for a hook up. What am I to do? I can't get off this ride and it's starting to make me ill. I always loved roller coasters, until now.
5年前
