Finding susan -- ramble

It does take a lot of effort to discover what your identity is, and to hone the definition with some precision that includes a number of dimensions. I am still working on that for myself. I have had a few breakthroughs. Using an analogy, it is sort of like finding your race, creed and ethnicity ...and perhaps where you were from and how you were raised ...and do this all after having woken up and having amnesia. The process continues to remembering words and people and experiences. We are all individuals and we are all different but do fall into some generic groups, male/female, gay/straight, dom/sub but there is a continuum or spectrum of places between those that, are also valid. My general zone is between trans and gay and bottom fag and sub or slave, etc. ... and then try to incorporate that with the body i was born with and how i try to actively change that. (And to make a mess of that whole process, you then have to try to acceptably fit into what society accepts).
One thing that mystifies me is that i always feel guilty if someone is pleasuring me. I have a sense that i have not earned that or deserve it. My purpose is to provide pleasure as in being an object of pleasure for others, and the only pleasure i deserve is any tangential or peripheral pleasure that results from providing pleasure. ...Like enjoying the taste and texture of cum in my mouth after providing pleasure by sucking cock and pleasing that person... the primary act is giving pleasure. LIkewise providing the pleasure to someone by letting them fuck you ...and by chance you may have an orgasm from prostate stimulation... the primary activity is giving pleasure to the person fucking you. I think this is at the root of being really submissive. I could never be a dom because it upsets me to take pleasure by using someone. I need to be the bottom. Even if someone wants to reciprocate, i am just uneasy about someone focused on giving me pleasure ...and me just accepting that gift.
Then once it is accepted that i am a bottom sub, do i feel trans (as in fem brain craving cocks and men) or gay (enjoying cock centered fun and drawn to men) or autogynophelia (loving the female form ...but maybe drawn to cocks to pleasure, but not totally loving men in a deep sense... but learning that if i attract men in my female form, i get to pleasure their cocks). Probably closer to the last one.
So if i am not a top, i am not really a man...and have no need for my cock and balls. So castration may be a good route to take. Be an androgenous bottom eunuch or use some hormones to present a more feminine image. This last possibility is almost a full transsexual short of the vaginoplasty. But a full transsexual will still not be a full genetic female... just a reconstructed version of one lacking a real set of female genitals and womb....
All of this is triggered by being born male, but being attracted to cock and being submissive as in not being comfortable being a top. And the complication is trying to survive in a world and society that does not generally accept these odditiies. (It sure would be easier if society embraced the existence of this type of person and saw the value of integrating their offering as a positive, and an improvement to the state of society.