Owning My Sexuality
Hello friends and fans,
Welcome to my first post, I'm excited and nervous about this. I'm here as an exercise on my journey to reclaim my sexuality from religion. I grew up with conservative parents who were very involved in their church communities. Naturally, I fell into heavy involvement myself and by high school, I was a youth leader in a non-denominational ministry, a big one with nationwide chapters and indoctrination camps. My family was very emotionally cold and judgemental towards me growing up too, nobody really supported me, so when it came to dating I didn't feel the need for another relationship like that in my life since I didn't know anything different. I had been a nerd and social outcast for most of my life so my faith became a coping mechanism for how to be social and how to move through life. I tried to convince myself that I just wasn't meant to have relationships and love like other people had. I dated online because I could keep it secret from my parents. Naturally, I got catfished several times since I was desperate for any scraps of love I could get, I was convinced that "normal" girls would never be attracted to me.
Finally, when I went to college for the first time I felt I had enough autonomy to start trying to date and have relationships. They did not go well, I was so inexperienced, and being so religious my expectations for what girls were looking for in a partner were geared toward someone who would want to get married right away. I have been terrified of marriage since my parent's very ugly divorce and toxic family experiences, I haven't wanted to risk getting stuck with a wife that didn't value me the way I need to feel loved. I lost my virginity at 22 to a young woman who ghosted me the next day. I started dating on apps since I didn't want to date within the faith communities I was still involved in, although my commitment to living a pure Christian life was waning. I know I was forcing myself into a box I didn't want to be in, but I believed that being a good Christian was the only way I was going to have anything good in my life. I was starting to realize that it didn't really matter how well I tried to follow the rules, everyone else didn't and they were going on with their lives without the crippling anxiety and self-doubt that I carried. So once I realized I was miserable and love and sex starved I started peeling back the layers of emotional trauma and conditioning so that I can have the fulfilling sex and love lives that I crave.
If you've read this far, congratulations on enduring my venting and bitching. If you want to be a part of this healing journey feel free to introduce yourself. I'm looking to make friends, meet partners, date, and say yes to things I wish I had been saying yes to for a long time.
Welcome to my first post, I'm excited and nervous about this. I'm here as an exercise on my journey to reclaim my sexuality from religion. I grew up with conservative parents who were very involved in their church communities. Naturally, I fell into heavy involvement myself and by high school, I was a youth leader in a non-denominational ministry, a big one with nationwide chapters and indoctrination camps. My family was very emotionally cold and judgemental towards me growing up too, nobody really supported me, so when it came to dating I didn't feel the need for another relationship like that in my life since I didn't know anything different. I had been a nerd and social outcast for most of my life so my faith became a coping mechanism for how to be social and how to move through life. I tried to convince myself that I just wasn't meant to have relationships and love like other people had. I dated online because I could keep it secret from my parents. Naturally, I got catfished several times since I was desperate for any scraps of love I could get, I was convinced that "normal" girls would never be attracted to me.
Finally, when I went to college for the first time I felt I had enough autonomy to start trying to date and have relationships. They did not go well, I was so inexperienced, and being so religious my expectations for what girls were looking for in a partner were geared toward someone who would want to get married right away. I have been terrified of marriage since my parent's very ugly divorce and toxic family experiences, I haven't wanted to risk getting stuck with a wife that didn't value me the way I need to feel loved. I lost my virginity at 22 to a young woman who ghosted me the next day. I started dating on apps since I didn't want to date within the faith communities I was still involved in, although my commitment to living a pure Christian life was waning. I know I was forcing myself into a box I didn't want to be in, but I believed that being a good Christian was the only way I was going to have anything good in my life. I was starting to realize that it didn't really matter how well I tried to follow the rules, everyone else didn't and they were going on with their lives without the crippling anxiety and self-doubt that I carried. So once I realized I was miserable and love and sex starved I started peeling back the layers of emotional trauma and conditioning so that I can have the fulfilling sex and love lives that I crave.
If you've read this far, congratulations on enduring my venting and bitching. If you want to be a part of this healing journey feel free to introduce yourself. I'm looking to make friends, meet partners, date, and say yes to things I wish I had been saying yes to for a long time.
3年前
