It's Not Just The Watch
I spent many years thinking it was only the watch that was turning me on in my fantasies; but it wasn't. It was only part of the fantasy. The other half was being "touched" or fondled, pretty much dominated by someone who was wearing a watch that I liked, while I was a c***d! I mean, how the hell does a c***d get those strange thoughts in their head? It's not normal for a c***d to fantasize about basically being touched inappropriately by an adult, and in the manner I describe in my posts.
The origins don't really matter now, but the fact remains that the fantasies still haunt me after all these years. Honestly, if you are reading this, when you were a c***d did you have fantasies of being "touched" or fondled by an adult? I have a tendency to overthink things, and maybe this is the case? I've played out my fantasies countless times, only to find that the "real thing" pales in comparison to what my mind can conjure up. Because there, I can do whatever I want, and no one will have any objections or negative feedback. This is dangerous though, because it's not real, and it doesn't take others into consideration.
When I'm in a "trance," I lose sight of reality and the consequences of acting out physically. My "addicted" brain wants to keep going on and on, escaping further and further into the fantasies, leaving reality behind. Of course this affects relationships, obligations, and overall quality of life. I think about how much time and money I have wasted on "chasing the dragon," proverbially speaking. I've neglected my well-being, as well as others when was triggered.
I wish I could go to bed tonight, and wake up tomorrow, this being a thing of the past, or gone from my memory; I know it doesn't work that way though. I have to take it one breath at a time. If my life didn't seem to revolve around this "thing," it wouldn't be a big deal. it shows no signs of letting go anytime soon, no matter how much I want to let it go deep inside my heart.
That inner c***d needs to gently be taught that what he thinks is a good thing really isn't, and it's not helping him; it's hurting him. I don't want the fetish to just disappear, let me clear on that. I just want to be able to catch myself when that "voice" starts talking, saying "Oh, this will only take 10 minutes. You have plenty of time!" Five hours later, it's there to punish and laugh at me for what I've done, which in turn causes me to self-medicate, and that perpetuates the cycle.
I really don't want to spend five hours of my time online, lost in a fantasy world that never seems to end or be enough. Maybe a real session with a "professional" may be helpful, where I can totally act it out to its fullest extent, without objection or criticism? I have thought about this many times, and I may pursue this very thing. Healthy intimacy is very important to me, and I really want it.
I don't know if I would call this compulsion or addiction; all I know is that it's affecting me and every aspect of my life. It's like my mind can't seem to realize that what it wants is an impossible fantasy, and that it's never enough. If I were to act out some of them, I would surely get into a lot of hot water! There is VERY little chance that person would react and respond in the ways that I imagine them to, because what I desire is very specific, and very bizarre.
Coercing someone into doing that just isn't the same. There were a few that saw my interest in their watch and put it all together, which was very nice. I realized that it wasn't just the watch, it was about being dominated in some way by a business exec, doctor, nurse, teacher, lawyer, actor, athlete, coach, team owner, author, public speaker, Radio/TV personality, celebrity, singer/musician, politician, or someone else of power or recognition. The fantasy was always about them dominating me, masturbating me with their watch.
I lust for that, and I'm not proud of it. It could be just a harmless thing, but in this case, it's simply not. I believe. I saw the Monkees "Head" movie years ago, and I remember the scene when they are talking to The Master. He says....
"Psychologically speaking, the human mind or brain or whatever, is almost incapable of distinguishing between the real and the vividly imagined experience. Sound and film and music and radio. Even these manipulative experiences are received more or less directly and uninterpretive by the mind. They are cataloged and recorded and either acted upon directly, or stored in the memory, or both. Now this process, unless we pay it tremendous attention, begins to separate us from the reality of the now."
That, in a nutshell, is my biggest problem.
Am I being clear?
The origins don't really matter now, but the fact remains that the fantasies still haunt me after all these years. Honestly, if you are reading this, when you were a c***d did you have fantasies of being "touched" or fondled by an adult? I have a tendency to overthink things, and maybe this is the case? I've played out my fantasies countless times, only to find that the "real thing" pales in comparison to what my mind can conjure up. Because there, I can do whatever I want, and no one will have any objections or negative feedback. This is dangerous though, because it's not real, and it doesn't take others into consideration.
When I'm in a "trance," I lose sight of reality and the consequences of acting out physically. My "addicted" brain wants to keep going on and on, escaping further and further into the fantasies, leaving reality behind. Of course this affects relationships, obligations, and overall quality of life. I think about how much time and money I have wasted on "chasing the dragon," proverbially speaking. I've neglected my well-being, as well as others when was triggered.
I wish I could go to bed tonight, and wake up tomorrow, this being a thing of the past, or gone from my memory; I know it doesn't work that way though. I have to take it one breath at a time. If my life didn't seem to revolve around this "thing," it wouldn't be a big deal. it shows no signs of letting go anytime soon, no matter how much I want to let it go deep inside my heart.
That inner c***d needs to gently be taught that what he thinks is a good thing really isn't, and it's not helping him; it's hurting him. I don't want the fetish to just disappear, let me clear on that. I just want to be able to catch myself when that "voice" starts talking, saying "Oh, this will only take 10 minutes. You have plenty of time!" Five hours later, it's there to punish and laugh at me for what I've done, which in turn causes me to self-medicate, and that perpetuates the cycle.
I really don't want to spend five hours of my time online, lost in a fantasy world that never seems to end or be enough. Maybe a real session with a "professional" may be helpful, where I can totally act it out to its fullest extent, without objection or criticism? I have thought about this many times, and I may pursue this very thing. Healthy intimacy is very important to me, and I really want it.
I don't know if I would call this compulsion or addiction; all I know is that it's affecting me and every aspect of my life. It's like my mind can't seem to realize that what it wants is an impossible fantasy, and that it's never enough. If I were to act out some of them, I would surely get into a lot of hot water! There is VERY little chance that person would react and respond in the ways that I imagine them to, because what I desire is very specific, and very bizarre.
Coercing someone into doing that just isn't the same. There were a few that saw my interest in their watch and put it all together, which was very nice. I realized that it wasn't just the watch, it was about being dominated in some way by a business exec, doctor, nurse, teacher, lawyer, actor, athlete, coach, team owner, author, public speaker, Radio/TV personality, celebrity, singer/musician, politician, or someone else of power or recognition. The fantasy was always about them dominating me, masturbating me with their watch.
I lust for that, and I'm not proud of it. It could be just a harmless thing, but in this case, it's simply not. I believe. I saw the Monkees "Head" movie years ago, and I remember the scene when they are talking to The Master. He says....
"Psychologically speaking, the human mind or brain or whatever, is almost incapable of distinguishing between the real and the vividly imagined experience. Sound and film and music and radio. Even these manipulative experiences are received more or less directly and uninterpretive by the mind. They are cataloged and recorded and either acted upon directly, or stored in the memory, or both. Now this process, unless we pay it tremendous attention, begins to separate us from the reality of the now."
That, in a nutshell, is my biggest problem.
Am I being clear?
2年前
