Where to begin?
I'm here to say things and write about everything that I keep inside, and never share with anyone. I'm married and have been since I was 20 to the same man who is such a lovely guy, he really is. Sexually we've always been a little out of sync but nothing major and we've been a pretty average couple mostly.
I have been the dutiful, honourable and good wife for most of this time but when I was 50 I woke up one morning with such a sense of getting older and losing my youth. It made me do things like question my relationship (had I become drab because I didn't feel like I had to try?), my purpose in life (kids grown up and away and we're in a big house just the two of us) and my sexual side (which had practically ground to a halt thanks to the effects of the menopause and a reducing sexual desire). It really was as sudden as that and still to this day I don't know really know what prompted it.
Initially, I did nothing except try to ignore it and just carry on regardless but while I managed this for around a month, by Christmas 2018 I was conscious of looking at other men in a way I hadn't done in years. I think I was finding my type, for what I didn't know at that stage, but I gravitated towards older men. I now know this is probably because, as I grew up in a fatherless household and never really knew my Dad, I was probably subconsciously hunting for an older man to please. I never knew that type of approval and there was clearly something deep in my makeup that wanted it.
My husband and I rarely have sex and it's been that way for about ten years now. It's OK, I have come to terms with it and he gets the raw end of the deal not me. My body had gone into a kind of sexual shutdown mode as I'd got older and I really thought my living it up sexually days were gone. During a Christmas Day perfunctory and probably mercy-like doggy style fuck, I felt so unsatisfied at such a deep level. I went along with it, for his sake, but it's like I hurt with a sadness and pain for what I'd lost sexually. A lot of thinking during the Christmas and New Year holidays led me to the conclusion that I hadn't lost it and no wonder I was as dry as a desert down there because I didn't find my husband sexually attractive any more. I knew what he'd do, he knew what I'd do, for how long, when, where...it was so predictable.
On New year's Day 2019 I gave myself permission to explore, quietly, discreetly, carefully.
I have been the dutiful, honourable and good wife for most of this time but when I was 50 I woke up one morning with such a sense of getting older and losing my youth. It made me do things like question my relationship (had I become drab because I didn't feel like I had to try?), my purpose in life (kids grown up and away and we're in a big house just the two of us) and my sexual side (which had practically ground to a halt thanks to the effects of the menopause and a reducing sexual desire). It really was as sudden as that and still to this day I don't know really know what prompted it.
Initially, I did nothing except try to ignore it and just carry on regardless but while I managed this for around a month, by Christmas 2018 I was conscious of looking at other men in a way I hadn't done in years. I think I was finding my type, for what I didn't know at that stage, but I gravitated towards older men. I now know this is probably because, as I grew up in a fatherless household and never really knew my Dad, I was probably subconsciously hunting for an older man to please. I never knew that type of approval and there was clearly something deep in my makeup that wanted it.
My husband and I rarely have sex and it's been that way for about ten years now. It's OK, I have come to terms with it and he gets the raw end of the deal not me. My body had gone into a kind of sexual shutdown mode as I'd got older and I really thought my living it up sexually days were gone. During a Christmas Day perfunctory and probably mercy-like doggy style fuck, I felt so unsatisfied at such a deep level. I went along with it, for his sake, but it's like I hurt with a sadness and pain for what I'd lost sexually. A lot of thinking during the Christmas and New Year holidays led me to the conclusion that I hadn't lost it and no wonder I was as dry as a desert down there because I didn't find my husband sexually attractive any more. I knew what he'd do, he knew what I'd do, for how long, when, where...it was so predictable.
On New year's Day 2019 I gave myself permission to explore, quietly, discreetly, carefully.
1年前
