My first (and only) boyfriend (1)
when i got divorced, i believed in my bones that i was straight. but i was watching a ton of interracial porn at the time. i realize now it made me subconsciously desire black men,.. thinking about men when i jerked off wasnt a common occurrence at all back then...but the more interracial porn i watched brought fantasies about black men fucking me while i fingered my ass. it didnt scare me because i also loved women (and stll do) but jerking and playing with my ass while i imagined hot black studs fucking me became the norm. i should also note, i was never the top....my fantasies were strictly me on the bottom being dominated by a hung black god. HOWEVER, no mattter how gay my fantasies were....the idea of actually being gay with a man was absolutely so impossible, the issue didnt concern me.
after my divorce i got a new job in the city, so my commute changed and so did my coffee stop. so once i parked i went to a starbucks near my new job, it wasnt crowded and i immediately noticed a ripped black guy standing back waiting for his coffee. so i orderded mine and moved over to the waiting area. where the black GOD was standing. keep in mind this was the FIRST TIME i stepped foot in this starbucks. i should also mention that my job is casual dress, and i was wearing a new tshirt that was kind of expensive and it really accentuated my muscles. i was a gym rat at the time. it was obvious so was he, and he was wearing similar clothes.., all i remember was thinking "holy shit, hes thick" i couldnt help myself and i started stealing glances at his arms, and ....his bulge. i dont remember ever looking at a guys bulge before...ever in my life. ive checked out bulges to compare, but when i looked at his i was wondering how big it was and if i would like stroking it or sucking it. THOSE WERE the thoughts going through my mind. i was NERVOUS...shook up, i didnt understand what was happening. id never been nervous around a man before, i certainly never felt nervous around a man because i wanted him to LIKE me or worse because i liked him. i want to add that i wore flattering clothes because there were women at this new job that i wanted to get with.
so here i am, checking out a man ...while getting coffee. i felt weird. i was clearly watching tooo much interracial porn. but at the same time, i was aware that i was attracted to him. attracted to something..his masculinity? i didnt know. but my mind started flipping through my favorite porn because i was suddenly horny. i have to admit looking back i was aroused not by imagining porn, i was aroused from looking at him. imagining him naked. i didnt want to admit it but i felt how a girl might feel if she saw a handsome stud in a public setting.....it was subtle but not only was i attracted to him, i was feeling submissive just standing near him. he was taller, bigger, stronger, better looking. just superior.
before i ran into this man i was already having thoughts like "why are you chasing girls?" the men in the porn scenes were SO MUCH BETTER than me i felt as though any woman who wound up with me would always secretly want someone better than me. like a black guy with a better cock who could make them cum better than me...so i was having these thoughts but i never thought about giving up on women entirely...nor was switching to men an option.
now while this is going on in my mind, as i stood there trying to look at Q without being too obvious...he was doing the same to me. i caught him looking at me but i was frozen, there was no way i was going to say anything, but Q wasnt shy. it turns out im not the first white homo he spotted and reeled in. he spoke to me...and i thought my fucking heart was going to stop, he said something about expensive coffee i cant remember exactly, because i felt extreme paranoia. i felt exposed. i was frozen because i felt like all of my private feelings were on display but of course they werent.. it was completely irrational. but i also, didnt want to screw this up...in the off chance that he was, in fact, coming on to me... i didnt want to blow it. which was also confusing....who am i? im flirting with men today? im hoping a man chooses me today? WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM?
after my divorce i got a new job in the city, so my commute changed and so did my coffee stop. so once i parked i went to a starbucks near my new job, it wasnt crowded and i immediately noticed a ripped black guy standing back waiting for his coffee. so i orderded mine and moved over to the waiting area. where the black GOD was standing. keep in mind this was the FIRST TIME i stepped foot in this starbucks. i should also mention that my job is casual dress, and i was wearing a new tshirt that was kind of expensive and it really accentuated my muscles. i was a gym rat at the time. it was obvious so was he, and he was wearing similar clothes.., all i remember was thinking "holy shit, hes thick" i couldnt help myself and i started stealing glances at his arms, and ....his bulge. i dont remember ever looking at a guys bulge before...ever in my life. ive checked out bulges to compare, but when i looked at his i was wondering how big it was and if i would like stroking it or sucking it. THOSE WERE the thoughts going through my mind. i was NERVOUS...shook up, i didnt understand what was happening. id never been nervous around a man before, i certainly never felt nervous around a man because i wanted him to LIKE me or worse because i liked him. i want to add that i wore flattering clothes because there were women at this new job that i wanted to get with.
so here i am, checking out a man ...while getting coffee. i felt weird. i was clearly watching tooo much interracial porn. but at the same time, i was aware that i was attracted to him. attracted to something..his masculinity? i didnt know. but my mind started flipping through my favorite porn because i was suddenly horny. i have to admit looking back i was aroused not by imagining porn, i was aroused from looking at him. imagining him naked. i didnt want to admit it but i felt how a girl might feel if she saw a handsome stud in a public setting.....it was subtle but not only was i attracted to him, i was feeling submissive just standing near him. he was taller, bigger, stronger, better looking. just superior.
before i ran into this man i was already having thoughts like "why are you chasing girls?" the men in the porn scenes were SO MUCH BETTER than me i felt as though any woman who wound up with me would always secretly want someone better than me. like a black guy with a better cock who could make them cum better than me...so i was having these thoughts but i never thought about giving up on women entirely...nor was switching to men an option.
now while this is going on in my mind, as i stood there trying to look at Q without being too obvious...he was doing the same to me. i caught him looking at me but i was frozen, there was no way i was going to say anything, but Q wasnt shy. it turns out im not the first white homo he spotted and reeled in. he spoke to me...and i thought my fucking heart was going to stop, he said something about expensive coffee i cant remember exactly, because i felt extreme paranoia. i felt exposed. i was frozen because i felt like all of my private feelings were on display but of course they werent.. it was completely irrational. but i also, didnt want to screw this up...in the off chance that he was, in fact, coming on to me... i didnt want to blow it. which was also confusing....who am i? im flirting with men today? im hoping a man chooses me today? WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM?
4ヶ月前
