1 Shade of Ginger - Fuck off Mr Grey!!
1 Shade of Ginger is the romantic-erotic-comedy story of Loz and her quest for tail. Along with her friend Elaine, Loz will take you on a wild journey to discover just 1 Shade of Ginger.
He climbed back into bed and pounced on top of me started kissing, much nicer than last night, thank god. We kiss for what seems like an eternity and I can feel his pan handle pressing right against me. I'm no mug, I don't need to penetrate to get my kicks, so I start dry humping against him, I had a wide on as big as the Channel Tunnel at this point and it doesn't take me long to cream my pants just from rubbing off on him, I can't wait to let him be balls deep in me.
'flop a white one out' he says seductively tugging at my top to release my right breast.
I wake up to a strange noise, I look at the clock, its 10:55, that’s a bit better, at least I’ve had some sleep. I look around for Mr G and notice the shower curtain is pulled around. I hear the noise again then realise it is Mr G dropping the k**s off at the pool. Wow, this is moving fast, we’re not even on farting terms yet, I guess he must be really comfortable around me.
I scramble around for my bag which is close by the bedside, I need to check my phone and see how much cash I've got left, get in £12.30 left, result, I rake for my phone and see 4 missed calls and 4 texts.
I lock my phone and put it back in my bag. Just then I hear the toilet flush and hear air freshener being sprayed, wow he is such a gentleman, the shower curtain pulls back and I see G standing wearing only a pair of footy shorts, I was dripping like a George Foreman grill at the sight of him, but I'm playing cool with this one.
I release from his kiss take my top and bra off and move over, I got my lot, I can't be selfish, I reach over and pull his hooded hotdog from his shorts and begin operating his joystick, after a few minutes my good arm started to ache, I use my left hand as support to see if that helps, but he still hasn't bust his load, after another couple of minutes I swap hands, I don't really like wanking with my left hand, I feel like I'm giving a lazy job, but he's taking forever. Eventually he pops his jizz all over my tits, thank fuck I took my top off, imagine doing the walk of shame with splooge all over me, that would be shameful.
He hands me a babywipe so I can clean the spunk off my tits, he is really thoughtful, I can’t believe it, usually lads dont care about about my needs. We then lie in each others arms, I look around his apartment, taking it all in, I love the classy framed black and white artwork of naked women on his walls, loads better than Jimmy’s flat with the Page 3 pictures cellotaped up. FUCK, for the first time in two weeks I was reminded of Jimmy, the ex. SNAP OUT OF IT!
Mr G, moves over to his CD player and pulls out a disc named ‘Wooing tracks’, how many girls does this guy bring back?? Clearly enough to have made a wooing mix! The first track on the CD is My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas. We start kissing again, this guy is so sexy, I quickly glance at my watch over his shoulder it was 12:35, I think it’s time I make a move, otherwise I’m going to be here all day dry humping and getting a proper gape on and getting my best lace pants even soggier.
I put my skirt on and scramble around the floor for my shoes while he switches his CD player off and slips on a pair of vintage Eclipse jeans and a white Fruit of the Loom T-Shirt, this guy has style . As I get up off the floor, G took my hand and pulled me in for a lovely long kiss
‘I’ll drop you off if you like’, brilliant news, I really do not want to do the walk of shame and look like a right slag, especially with my best white stillys and starting to crust knickers. We make our way outside and I look around for his car, just then he produces a helmet from behind his back
‘do you have a motorbike?’ I ask with the secret hope that he doesn’t.
‘no, I have a moped, it holds up to 26 stone, you’re not more than 13 stone are you?’ he says looking me up and down
‘no, I’m not, you cheeky sod’ I lie playfully, hoping that I have convinced him, I do carry my weight well.
We climb onto his light blue moped and I hold on for dear life, the journey was bumpy and uncomfortable and I thought the storage box I was sat on was going to fall off leaving me flat in the middle of the main road. I scream directions to him to mine and Elaine’s flat and after 15 minutes we arrive, safe, thank fuck. I climb off and give him a little kiss, he then slapped my arsed and said
‘I had a nice time sugar tits, we should do this again’ and in one very swift move, he was off.
I stumble into the flat, still feeling like shit and see Elaine sprawled out on the sofa naked with a well used discarded vibrator lying on the sitting room floor.
‘Oi’ I shout really loudly, she jumps up with a shock and I notice she has bright red lippy smeared all over her face and false eyelashes stuck to her cheeks.
‘Eh? What? Loz?’ she was totally disorientated and looked like she had been hit with a sledgehammer. She quickly looks around and notices the vibrator on the floor and tries to hide it with a cushion (she better bloody wash that cushion, I don't want fishy fanny juice smell on my soft furnishings)
‘too late lady, I’ve already seen it’ I say in my best Mother Knows Best voice, nodding my head toward the vibe ‘what the hell happened to you?’
‘fucking Magic Malcolm is a twat’ she says rapidly as she fumbles around looking for something to cover her butt nakedness ‘we went back to his, he shagged me in about 30 seconds flat, cum in my eye, then kicked me out’ her little face looked so disappointed at the memory of receiving a dirty pirate
‘so I came home, drank some voddy and..., well it pretty much looks like I sorted myself out’ she polietly informs me, while rubbing her hand over a small damp looking stain on the sofa.
‘well it looks like Magic Malc is a cockend after all’ I say to try and reassure her
‘yes, a total fucker, but less about my shite night, how was Mick Hucknell??’ she asks playfully
‘he was nice, but I’m minging and stink like crab sticks, I need a shower, I’ll tell you the details later’, I half lie to her, as all I really want to do is go and get my own rabbit out and give myself a good seeing to because I was frustrated to hell, plus I do need a shower, I honk!
After a 60 second session with Roger the Rabbit to relieve my frustrations and a nice long shower, I emerge to a cleaned up living room and a fully dressed Elaine, we chat about the previous nights ongoings over a much needed L****ade and a pot noodle.
Suddenly, there is an almighty banging at the door, who the fuck is this? I open the door and there stand Crazy One and Crazy Two, and my Dad looks furious. They storm in the flat without invitation, thank god Elaine picked up her pleasure pleaser off the floor.
'we need to talk about your mother' my Dad exclaims, my Mam looks sad and feeling sorry for herself
'she thinks I'm fucking around'! Eh, what, my Dad!!
'Well are you?' I ask
'no, she’s just a mental case’ this sounds totally like my mother, she gets jealous over everything
‘she tried to top herself last night you know’ I gasp in shock ‘yeah the stupid cow tried to hang herself with a dressing gown belt, only thing is the stupid splitarse forgot to fasten it to anything and ended up just falling asleep with it tied round her neck, all because she was pissed up on Special Brew and Iron Brew cocktails’ I look at my mam with a disappointed face, she just smiled like it was clever.
‘What do you want me to do about it?’ I ask in a very unsympathetic way
‘Look after her for me next weekend Loz?’ what, next weekend, my birthday weekend, is he having a laugh?
‘No’, just then my mental case mother breaks down in tears ‘ok, ok, she can come’, not really sure what I was thinking, but if anything I’m sure she will provide a bit of entertainment.
Date: Saturday 9th March (my 29th birthday), Time: 9am, Location: The Bullet Public House
We all arrive at the pub with excitement, Stevie Hitler (named so because he only had 1 bollock) opened up for us early so that we could all meet up, he was shagging Denise, one of the girls (that’s how we deciphered his nickname).
All 9 of us arrived pretty much on time:
Myself, no explanation necessary
Elaine Gooch, best mate and wing woman
Emily Jones, as stated before, cracking on a night out and never shuts up
Denise Cockaday; currently seeing Stevie Hitler, she loves a dirty barman with a fetish for anal
Fiona Skittle; single mother of a 6 month baby ‘Button’, thinks she’s a bit posh but once she’s had a few too many gets bloody filthy
Dawn Hunt; married for 10 years has 2 k**s and never really gets out, so when she does its normally lethal
Melissa Wild; another single girl, but a lesbian with only one working eye, she loves rug munching and has a massive crush on me after we necked on in Barron’s one night
Cleo Slattery; really, really short girl and a bit of a prude, but she’s got a boyfriend, Stu, and is newly loved up and a very good girl (most of the time)
and finally Rebecca Onions; a very violent person as she hasn’t had sex for over three years and only gets invited because everyone is shit scared of her.
So that’s the girls, the only person we are waiting for is my crazy mother, Stevie Hitler puts some tunes on starting with Snooker Loopy by Chas and Dave to start the party and hands a round of Turbo Shandie’s to all the girls to get us in the mood before the minibus arrives. As we sit and wait for my mother to arrive, I think back to last Saturday and my encounter with Mr G, the ginger twat hasn’t been in touch since he dropped me off, well except for the odd random 'poke’ on Facebook.
The bus was due to pick us up at 9:45, it was 9:30 now and my mental mother still hadn’t arrived, if she wasn’t on time, she wasn’t coming, simple as.
Just then, the door of The Bullet open and in comes my Dad with a massive pink plastic suitcase and Mental One following behind wearing a leather look jumpsuit and a fur coat, OH FUCK, this is going to one interesting weekend.
On the minibus about half way to The Pool, Mother being on best behaviour and the others just cackling and having a good time, all of a sudden Fi decides she needs a wee. Karl Dingleberry our bus driver and known sex offender, refuses to pull over so Fiona starts to seriously panic, since having baby ‘Button’ she has the bladder capability of an overfilled water balloon. After a few of the girls screaming and worrying, Fi swiftly grabbed a Pringles tube out of Elaine’s ‘snack pack’, empties the Pringles onto Elaine’s lap, pulled up her skirt and down her pants and started pissing into the empty crisp tube. The look of relief on her face was a picture, just then, Emily notices piss leaking out of the bottom of the tube
‘eeee it’s leaking’, she shouted super loudly, quickly Karl turned around to catch a glimpse of Fiona squatting over the almost full tub and immediately slammed on the breaks. Jolting forward all I see is Fiona flying forward down the aisle of the minibus throwing the entire contents of the tube over my mother! Yes my mental mother!!
Covered in piss and almost gagging from the smell my mother clambers out of the minibus, Karl then climbs into the back of the bus to inspect it as he wasn’t supposed to using the bus outside of care home opening hours, to see that only a dribble had hit the floor. I climb out to check to see if Crazy was ok, only to find her naked on the side of the road wiping her leather look jumpsuit down
‘pass my suitcase please Lorraine’ she says very calmly, I get the suitcase from the back of the bus and open it for her, standing by the side of the M6 in just her pants and bra (cars beeping and shouting as they passed), my mother rakes through her case and pulls out a turban towel, puts it on her bright purple hair and gets back on the bus, leaving the fake fur piss soaked coat on the road side.
After an eventful journey we finally reach Blackpool, Emily had been put in charge of booking the B&B and we all expected it to be nice, how wrong we were. The Knock and Gobble Guest House was a shit hole. We were greeted by a Lurch lookalike with a limp and a speech impediment who showed to our rooms, I was sharing with my mother and Elaine in a ‘family room’, the room was dark and smelled like stale feet and we noticed strange signs on all of the doors, like a ‘c***dren Crossing’ sign on the toilet and a ‘Stop’ sign on the wall.
‘What are these signs for?’ I ask Lurch
‘We had us a wife beater in one night and he put his wife’s head through the door and wall’ I looked at him bewildered
‘So what are the signs for?’
‘To cover up the holes he made’ he then turned and walked away.
We unpacked feeling dirtier than we did when we arrived, my mother had a quick shower to wash off the piss while me and Elaine have a few swigs of warm Summerblunchen straight from the bottle because the Teasmade cups looked like they hadn’t been washed for a year. We all meet in the lounge/dining room/bird sanctuary and wait for my mother to sort herself out. Turning out in a short tight leopard print dress and neon stillys, my mother looks pretty nice, puts my denim hot pants and Frankie Says Relax cropped vest to shame. We all head out, first port of call ‘The Flagship’.
Walking into the pub we hear our anthem ‘Who Let The Dogs Out?’, most of us head straight for the dance floor while Den and Fi head to the bar to get the pints in. Out of the corner of my eye I catch someone staring at me, fucking hell it was Jimmy, my ex! My heart skips a beat and jumps in my mouth; I had been seeing Jimmy for 6 months, he was a DJ and Karaoke host and after a whirlwind romance, I found out he had a girl in every working mans club, he broke my heart, but fuck me he still made my fanny dribble, with his half mullet and David Dickenson tan. I ignore him as if haven’t seen him and keep on dancing with my girls (and mother). I see him walk over to the DJ box, he has loads of connections and the DJ appears to know him, the next song to come on was the first song I **** on his Karaoke that night in The Bullet ‘Boom Shake the Room’ by Wil Smith, I’m brilliant at the stutter rap bit.
When it came to the ‘f.f.f.f.resh p.p.p.prince is w.w.w.ho I am’ part of the song and while I was in full flow, I suddenly felt two hands tightly around my waist and a canny bit of Blackpool candy rock pressing against arse. I turn around to find Jimmy singing back at me ‘so tell my mother that I never make a whack jam’, his bright blue eyes staring back at me. I pull away to save myself from launching at him right there on the dancefloor and turn around to find Rebecca necking on with one of Jimmy’s mates, Furious Brian, oh no this spells trouble.
Drinking pints of Diesel, making small talk and dancing to the brilliant tunes we spend the best part of the night in The Flagship, my mother looks worse for wear, she’s been hoying back the Vodkat all day/night, respectfully a few of the girls decide to take her back, leaving me, Rebecca, Elaine and Dawn the last ones out. We head out of The Flagship and head towards The Merry England when I notice Jimmy, Furious Brian and a couple of other lads following us. Because poor Rebecca hadn’t had sex for years I couldn’t possibly cock block her, so I drop back with her so she can talk to Furious Brian. The other walk ahead, along with Jimmy’s other friends and me, Rebecca, Furious Brian and Jimmy walk along the promenade.
All of a sudden I get the urge to be sick, I quickly run down onto the beach and throw up a mix of pink and purple *****, I suddenly feel a chill then a familiar jolt in my lady garden. Mid puke I look around to see that Jimmy had pulled my hot pants to one side and had thrust himself into me. Unable to stop him, and secretly not wanting him to I go with the flow, just then I hear a familiar voice cry out ‘Loz I’ve lost my knickers’, next to us was Rebecca pulling up her tights with Furious Brian fastening his zip up.
‘What do you mean you’ve lost your knickers?’ she looks pleased for a change, probably because she got some cock action for the first time in a long time.
‘I pulled my tights and knickers down and only pulled my tights up’ she looked confused, I pushed Jimmy back and turn to notice him finishing himself off onto the sand and head over to help Rebecca look for her pants.
‘I never took my sandals off though Loz, so I don’t know how I’ve lost my knickers’, helping Rebecca look for the missing pants along with Furious Brian; who is partially looking for the pants and partially making a rollie, I notice a tattoo on the back of his neck saying SEX GOD (as if; he's what me and my mates call a 'hob knob job', only good for a quick shag). We search for a few minutes but can’t find anything, I guess we will put it down to: a) a mystery, b) Furious Brian has nicked them to sniff later or c) she didn’t have any on in the first place.
I look over to Jimmy and see him kicking sand over a small dollop of spunk on the ground
'pleased with yourself are ya?' I shout at him
'ah man Loz you've never minded a bit catchy ****y before' he says jokingly while getting a rollie off Brian.
'well that was different before, when we were together you bell sucker' to be honest I wanted it as much as he did, his hot beef injection left my biff gaping and I was wetter than Glasgow in May!
I help Rebecca off the floor and start heading toward The Merry England, with Jimmy and Furious Brian in tow laughing their heads off. As I walk into the bar I see Dawn come bowling over, she takes one look at me and says
'Loz, toilets, now' I look at her confused, we walk into the toilets and she point down toward my fanny area- OMG I HAVE A FLAP OUT!! I mean a full flap hanging right out of the bottom of my hotpants, I quickly adjust myself back into my thong and hotpants, how the hell did I not notice this? And why the hell didn't Jimmy or Brian say anything, fucking bellends!
After adjusting my flaps back into my hot pants I make my way back into the bar, avoiding Jimmy and Furious Brian I head towards the other girls. Elaine is looking well pleased with herself and holding a sports sock as she apparently won the game 'wanker with white socks on', I give Elaine a nod and we head to the bar, after tonight I need to get shiters. We order 5 jägerbombs and neck them one after the other, I will blank my ordeal with jimmy out, just then I feel two arms around my waist, I look round prepared to smack Jimmy full on in the face and see a familiar tall red haired figure, only they looked different, totally different, it dawned on me, it was Mr G, but why was he wearing a dress, makeup and jewellery?
Oh fuck, turns out Mr G, only likes to be Miss G in his spare time, bloody wonderful!!!
He climbed back into bed and pounced on top of me started kissing, much nicer than last night, thank god. We kiss for what seems like an eternity and I can feel his pan handle pressing right against me. I'm no mug, I don't need to penetrate to get my kicks, so I start dry humping against him, I had a wide on as big as the Channel Tunnel at this point and it doesn't take me long to cream my pants just from rubbing off on him, I can't wait to let him be balls deep in me.
'flop a white one out' he says seductively tugging at my top to release my right breast.
I wake up to a strange noise, I look at the clock, its 10:55, that’s a bit better, at least I’ve had some sleep. I look around for Mr G and notice the shower curtain is pulled around. I hear the noise again then realise it is Mr G dropping the k**s off at the pool. Wow, this is moving fast, we’re not even on farting terms yet, I guess he must be really comfortable around me.
I scramble around for my bag which is close by the bedside, I need to check my phone and see how much cash I've got left, get in £12.30 left, result, I rake for my phone and see 4 missed calls and 4 texts.
I lock my phone and put it back in my bag. Just then I hear the toilet flush and hear air freshener being sprayed, wow he is such a gentleman, the shower curtain pulls back and I see G standing wearing only a pair of footy shorts, I was dripping like a George Foreman grill at the sight of him, but I'm playing cool with this one.
I release from his kiss take my top and bra off and move over, I got my lot, I can't be selfish, I reach over and pull his hooded hotdog from his shorts and begin operating his joystick, after a few minutes my good arm started to ache, I use my left hand as support to see if that helps, but he still hasn't bust his load, after another couple of minutes I swap hands, I don't really like wanking with my left hand, I feel like I'm giving a lazy job, but he's taking forever. Eventually he pops his jizz all over my tits, thank fuck I took my top off, imagine doing the walk of shame with splooge all over me, that would be shameful.
He hands me a babywipe so I can clean the spunk off my tits, he is really thoughtful, I can’t believe it, usually lads dont care about about my needs. We then lie in each others arms, I look around his apartment, taking it all in, I love the classy framed black and white artwork of naked women on his walls, loads better than Jimmy’s flat with the Page 3 pictures cellotaped up. FUCK, for the first time in two weeks I was reminded of Jimmy, the ex. SNAP OUT OF IT!
Mr G, moves over to his CD player and pulls out a disc named ‘Wooing tracks’, how many girls does this guy bring back?? Clearly enough to have made a wooing mix! The first track on the CD is My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas. We start kissing again, this guy is so sexy, I quickly glance at my watch over his shoulder it was 12:35, I think it’s time I make a move, otherwise I’m going to be here all day dry humping and getting a proper gape on and getting my best lace pants even soggier.
I put my skirt on and scramble around the floor for my shoes while he switches his CD player off and slips on a pair of vintage Eclipse jeans and a white Fruit of the Loom T-Shirt, this guy has style . As I get up off the floor, G took my hand and pulled me in for a lovely long kiss
‘I’ll drop you off if you like’, brilliant news, I really do not want to do the walk of shame and look like a right slag, especially with my best white stillys and starting to crust knickers. We make our way outside and I look around for his car, just then he produces a helmet from behind his back
‘do you have a motorbike?’ I ask with the secret hope that he doesn’t.
‘no, I have a moped, it holds up to 26 stone, you’re not more than 13 stone are you?’ he says looking me up and down
‘no, I’m not, you cheeky sod’ I lie playfully, hoping that I have convinced him, I do carry my weight well.
We climb onto his light blue moped and I hold on for dear life, the journey was bumpy and uncomfortable and I thought the storage box I was sat on was going to fall off leaving me flat in the middle of the main road. I scream directions to him to mine and Elaine’s flat and after 15 minutes we arrive, safe, thank fuck. I climb off and give him a little kiss, he then slapped my arsed and said
‘I had a nice time sugar tits, we should do this again’ and in one very swift move, he was off.
I stumble into the flat, still feeling like shit and see Elaine sprawled out on the sofa naked with a well used discarded vibrator lying on the sitting room floor.
‘Oi’ I shout really loudly, she jumps up with a shock and I notice she has bright red lippy smeared all over her face and false eyelashes stuck to her cheeks.
‘Eh? What? Loz?’ she was totally disorientated and looked like she had been hit with a sledgehammer. She quickly looks around and notices the vibrator on the floor and tries to hide it with a cushion (she better bloody wash that cushion, I don't want fishy fanny juice smell on my soft furnishings)
‘too late lady, I’ve already seen it’ I say in my best Mother Knows Best voice, nodding my head toward the vibe ‘what the hell happened to you?’
‘fucking Magic Malcolm is a twat’ she says rapidly as she fumbles around looking for something to cover her butt nakedness ‘we went back to his, he shagged me in about 30 seconds flat, cum in my eye, then kicked me out’ her little face looked so disappointed at the memory of receiving a dirty pirate
‘so I came home, drank some voddy and..., well it pretty much looks like I sorted myself out’ she polietly informs me, while rubbing her hand over a small damp looking stain on the sofa.
‘well it looks like Magic Malc is a cockend after all’ I say to try and reassure her
‘yes, a total fucker, but less about my shite night, how was Mick Hucknell??’ she asks playfully
‘he was nice, but I’m minging and stink like crab sticks, I need a shower, I’ll tell you the details later’, I half lie to her, as all I really want to do is go and get my own rabbit out and give myself a good seeing to because I was frustrated to hell, plus I do need a shower, I honk!
After a 60 second session with Roger the Rabbit to relieve my frustrations and a nice long shower, I emerge to a cleaned up living room and a fully dressed Elaine, we chat about the previous nights ongoings over a much needed L****ade and a pot noodle.
Suddenly, there is an almighty banging at the door, who the fuck is this? I open the door and there stand Crazy One and Crazy Two, and my Dad looks furious. They storm in the flat without invitation, thank god Elaine picked up her pleasure pleaser off the floor.
'we need to talk about your mother' my Dad exclaims, my Mam looks sad and feeling sorry for herself
'she thinks I'm fucking around'! Eh, what, my Dad!!
'Well are you?' I ask
'no, she’s just a mental case’ this sounds totally like my mother, she gets jealous over everything
‘she tried to top herself last night you know’ I gasp in shock ‘yeah the stupid cow tried to hang herself with a dressing gown belt, only thing is the stupid splitarse forgot to fasten it to anything and ended up just falling asleep with it tied round her neck, all because she was pissed up on Special Brew and Iron Brew cocktails’ I look at my mam with a disappointed face, she just smiled like it was clever.
‘What do you want me to do about it?’ I ask in a very unsympathetic way
‘Look after her for me next weekend Loz?’ what, next weekend, my birthday weekend, is he having a laugh?
‘No’, just then my mental case mother breaks down in tears ‘ok, ok, she can come’, not really sure what I was thinking, but if anything I’m sure she will provide a bit of entertainment.
Date: Saturday 9th March (my 29th birthday), Time: 9am, Location: The Bullet Public House
We all arrive at the pub with excitement, Stevie Hitler (named so because he only had 1 bollock) opened up for us early so that we could all meet up, he was shagging Denise, one of the girls (that’s how we deciphered his nickname).
All 9 of us arrived pretty much on time:
Myself, no explanation necessary
Elaine Gooch, best mate and wing woman
Emily Jones, as stated before, cracking on a night out and never shuts up
Denise Cockaday; currently seeing Stevie Hitler, she loves a dirty barman with a fetish for anal
Fiona Skittle; single mother of a 6 month baby ‘Button’, thinks she’s a bit posh but once she’s had a few too many gets bloody filthy
Dawn Hunt; married for 10 years has 2 k**s and never really gets out, so when she does its normally lethal
Melissa Wild; another single girl, but a lesbian with only one working eye, she loves rug munching and has a massive crush on me after we necked on in Barron’s one night
Cleo Slattery; really, really short girl and a bit of a prude, but she’s got a boyfriend, Stu, and is newly loved up and a very good girl (most of the time)
and finally Rebecca Onions; a very violent person as she hasn’t had sex for over three years and only gets invited because everyone is shit scared of her.
So that’s the girls, the only person we are waiting for is my crazy mother, Stevie Hitler puts some tunes on starting with Snooker Loopy by Chas and Dave to start the party and hands a round of Turbo Shandie’s to all the girls to get us in the mood before the minibus arrives. As we sit and wait for my mother to arrive, I think back to last Saturday and my encounter with Mr G, the ginger twat hasn’t been in touch since he dropped me off, well except for the odd random 'poke’ on Facebook.
The bus was due to pick us up at 9:45, it was 9:30 now and my mental mother still hadn’t arrived, if she wasn’t on time, she wasn’t coming, simple as.
Just then, the door of The Bullet open and in comes my Dad with a massive pink plastic suitcase and Mental One following behind wearing a leather look jumpsuit and a fur coat, OH FUCK, this is going to one interesting weekend.
On the minibus about half way to The Pool, Mother being on best behaviour and the others just cackling and having a good time, all of a sudden Fi decides she needs a wee. Karl Dingleberry our bus driver and known sex offender, refuses to pull over so Fiona starts to seriously panic, since having baby ‘Button’ she has the bladder capability of an overfilled water balloon. After a few of the girls screaming and worrying, Fi swiftly grabbed a Pringles tube out of Elaine’s ‘snack pack’, empties the Pringles onto Elaine’s lap, pulled up her skirt and down her pants and started pissing into the empty crisp tube. The look of relief on her face was a picture, just then, Emily notices piss leaking out of the bottom of the tube
‘eeee it’s leaking’, she shouted super loudly, quickly Karl turned around to catch a glimpse of Fiona squatting over the almost full tub and immediately slammed on the breaks. Jolting forward all I see is Fiona flying forward down the aisle of the minibus throwing the entire contents of the tube over my mother! Yes my mental mother!!
Covered in piss and almost gagging from the smell my mother clambers out of the minibus, Karl then climbs into the back of the bus to inspect it as he wasn’t supposed to using the bus outside of care home opening hours, to see that only a dribble had hit the floor. I climb out to check to see if Crazy was ok, only to find her naked on the side of the road wiping her leather look jumpsuit down
‘pass my suitcase please Lorraine’ she says very calmly, I get the suitcase from the back of the bus and open it for her, standing by the side of the M6 in just her pants and bra (cars beeping and shouting as they passed), my mother rakes through her case and pulls out a turban towel, puts it on her bright purple hair and gets back on the bus, leaving the fake fur piss soaked coat on the road side.
After an eventful journey we finally reach Blackpool, Emily had been put in charge of booking the B&B and we all expected it to be nice, how wrong we were. The Knock and Gobble Guest House was a shit hole. We were greeted by a Lurch lookalike with a limp and a speech impediment who showed to our rooms, I was sharing with my mother and Elaine in a ‘family room’, the room was dark and smelled like stale feet and we noticed strange signs on all of the doors, like a ‘c***dren Crossing’ sign on the toilet and a ‘Stop’ sign on the wall.
‘What are these signs for?’ I ask Lurch
‘We had us a wife beater in one night and he put his wife’s head through the door and wall’ I looked at him bewildered
‘So what are the signs for?’
‘To cover up the holes he made’ he then turned and walked away.
We unpacked feeling dirtier than we did when we arrived, my mother had a quick shower to wash off the piss while me and Elaine have a few swigs of warm Summerblunchen straight from the bottle because the Teasmade cups looked like they hadn’t been washed for a year. We all meet in the lounge/dining room/bird sanctuary and wait for my mother to sort herself out. Turning out in a short tight leopard print dress and neon stillys, my mother looks pretty nice, puts my denim hot pants and Frankie Says Relax cropped vest to shame. We all head out, first port of call ‘The Flagship’.
Walking into the pub we hear our anthem ‘Who Let The Dogs Out?’, most of us head straight for the dance floor while Den and Fi head to the bar to get the pints in. Out of the corner of my eye I catch someone staring at me, fucking hell it was Jimmy, my ex! My heart skips a beat and jumps in my mouth; I had been seeing Jimmy for 6 months, he was a DJ and Karaoke host and after a whirlwind romance, I found out he had a girl in every working mans club, he broke my heart, but fuck me he still made my fanny dribble, with his half mullet and David Dickenson tan. I ignore him as if haven’t seen him and keep on dancing with my girls (and mother). I see him walk over to the DJ box, he has loads of connections and the DJ appears to know him, the next song to come on was the first song I **** on his Karaoke that night in The Bullet ‘Boom Shake the Room’ by Wil Smith, I’m brilliant at the stutter rap bit.
When it came to the ‘f.f.f.f.resh p.p.p.prince is w.w.w.ho I am’ part of the song and while I was in full flow, I suddenly felt two hands tightly around my waist and a canny bit of Blackpool candy rock pressing against arse. I turn around to find Jimmy singing back at me ‘so tell my mother that I never make a whack jam’, his bright blue eyes staring back at me. I pull away to save myself from launching at him right there on the dancefloor and turn around to find Rebecca necking on with one of Jimmy’s mates, Furious Brian, oh no this spells trouble.
Drinking pints of Diesel, making small talk and dancing to the brilliant tunes we spend the best part of the night in The Flagship, my mother looks worse for wear, she’s been hoying back the Vodkat all day/night, respectfully a few of the girls decide to take her back, leaving me, Rebecca, Elaine and Dawn the last ones out. We head out of The Flagship and head towards The Merry England when I notice Jimmy, Furious Brian and a couple of other lads following us. Because poor Rebecca hadn’t had sex for years I couldn’t possibly cock block her, so I drop back with her so she can talk to Furious Brian. The other walk ahead, along with Jimmy’s other friends and me, Rebecca, Furious Brian and Jimmy walk along the promenade.
All of a sudden I get the urge to be sick, I quickly run down onto the beach and throw up a mix of pink and purple *****, I suddenly feel a chill then a familiar jolt in my lady garden. Mid puke I look around to see that Jimmy had pulled my hot pants to one side and had thrust himself into me. Unable to stop him, and secretly not wanting him to I go with the flow, just then I hear a familiar voice cry out ‘Loz I’ve lost my knickers’, next to us was Rebecca pulling up her tights with Furious Brian fastening his zip up.
‘What do you mean you’ve lost your knickers?’ she looks pleased for a change, probably because she got some cock action for the first time in a long time.
‘I pulled my tights and knickers down and only pulled my tights up’ she looked confused, I pushed Jimmy back and turn to notice him finishing himself off onto the sand and head over to help Rebecca look for her pants.
‘I never took my sandals off though Loz, so I don’t know how I’ve lost my knickers’, helping Rebecca look for the missing pants along with Furious Brian; who is partially looking for the pants and partially making a rollie, I notice a tattoo on the back of his neck saying SEX GOD (as if; he's what me and my mates call a 'hob knob job', only good for a quick shag). We search for a few minutes but can’t find anything, I guess we will put it down to: a) a mystery, b) Furious Brian has nicked them to sniff later or c) she didn’t have any on in the first place.
I look over to Jimmy and see him kicking sand over a small dollop of spunk on the ground
'pleased with yourself are ya?' I shout at him
'ah man Loz you've never minded a bit catchy ****y before' he says jokingly while getting a rollie off Brian.
'well that was different before, when we were together you bell sucker' to be honest I wanted it as much as he did, his hot beef injection left my biff gaping and I was wetter than Glasgow in May!
I help Rebecca off the floor and start heading toward The Merry England, with Jimmy and Furious Brian in tow laughing their heads off. As I walk into the bar I see Dawn come bowling over, she takes one look at me and says
'Loz, toilets, now' I look at her confused, we walk into the toilets and she point down toward my fanny area- OMG I HAVE A FLAP OUT!! I mean a full flap hanging right out of the bottom of my hotpants, I quickly adjust myself back into my thong and hotpants, how the hell did I not notice this? And why the hell didn't Jimmy or Brian say anything, fucking bellends!
After adjusting my flaps back into my hot pants I make my way back into the bar, avoiding Jimmy and Furious Brian I head towards the other girls. Elaine is looking well pleased with herself and holding a sports sock as she apparently won the game 'wanker with white socks on', I give Elaine a nod and we head to the bar, after tonight I need to get shiters. We order 5 jägerbombs and neck them one after the other, I will blank my ordeal with jimmy out, just then I feel two arms around my waist, I look round prepared to smack Jimmy full on in the face and see a familiar tall red haired figure, only they looked different, totally different, it dawned on me, it was Mr G, but why was he wearing a dress, makeup and jewellery?
Oh fuck, turns out Mr G, only likes to be Miss G in his spare time, bloody wonderful!!!
13年前
