WHY?? and the reasons
Imagine never being able to fully enjoy any aspect of your life, no matter how joyous because you are not really there.
Imagine having to edit your thoughts, feelings, gestures and interests due to fear of discovery and rejection.
imagine hating who you are so much that looking in a mirror makes you fel ashamed. Imagine having to constantly lie to your family, friends, c***dren every person you meet..always. imagine never feeling worthy of some ones love because no one can ever know the real you.....
That was my life before every moment ,every day and no breaks. Those are the reasons why I have change my physical gender and that's why I feel being transsexual is not a matter of choice.
For me the burden of lies became too great to tolerate. like most in my situation do at some point , I contemplated ending it all!! It it appeared that it might the only sensible course of action to take...After all , who would believe that was really an unfortunate a woman born in a male body.?
I had no tangible evidence to substantiate what I knew to be the truth..In fact in reality, all the facts pointed to the contrary. Living in a society where males are valued over females made my belief more preposterous, why admit to being something seen as socially inferior??
Since c***dhood there had always been such enormous shame associated with my displaying of any typically female behavior that the thought od admitting that i was a girl was absolutely terrifying. Suicide though was not fair to those that loved me, especially my family and close friends. It was a cowards way out....I was no coward.
What do you do when you are placed in such a situation? The only thing you can do, try to find at any cost. those cost are far higher than I could have contemplated at the age when I was forced to make that decision. Once I knew what I had to survive my y work on building the most clever, amazing, unshakable deception imaginable was impecable. No one ,ever,even once ,saw through or suspected my femaleness, but I knew the truth and I hated myself for it . No matter how perfect my disguise might be it could not be maintained forever. So I made preparations to launch into a new life journey. I read all i can find on the subject-the internet was an amazing resource for this, and spoke to some of my friends in the community. I went to the the "doctor" and got my medications and promptly put them aside until I was sure as to this is what I wanted to do. That morning, I have exceptionally good prayers and I start on that journey that would eventually give me joy and power
I have beenalot of things in my life but being a woman has given me the reatest pwer over myself. I eat uch better bow and I take care of myself better as well. I feel great being calm where rage once dwelled. I know no longer stand in fron of the bathroom mirror and stick my tongue out at myself, instead, i love the face that looks back at me and she has become my mostest best friend. The gift I received for transforming was being able to make people smile with joy of the heart. Of course being a pretty girl didn''t hurt either. But most of all, the sadness and rage stopped ,I get to dress in better clothes,that I think look better on me.? I do not cuss as much- only when I need to express my point and that works to carry more impact. Not to say, I cannot be articulate . but good too sometimes. And I get to be sweet without seeming weak.As is so often is the case. In short ..I have learned to love me.
In closing I hope I have expressed myself well and we can continue to be who we are and have been to each other. I value our relationship very much. May goodness and blessings be your, along with true love in your heart..Peace out
Imagine having to edit your thoughts, feelings, gestures and interests due to fear of discovery and rejection.
imagine hating who you are so much that looking in a mirror makes you fel ashamed. Imagine having to constantly lie to your family, friends, c***dren every person you meet..always. imagine never feeling worthy of some ones love because no one can ever know the real you.....
That was my life before every moment ,every day and no breaks. Those are the reasons why I have change my physical gender and that's why I feel being transsexual is not a matter of choice.
For me the burden of lies became too great to tolerate. like most in my situation do at some point , I contemplated ending it all!! It it appeared that it might the only sensible course of action to take...After all , who would believe that was really an unfortunate a woman born in a male body.?
I had no tangible evidence to substantiate what I knew to be the truth..In fact in reality, all the facts pointed to the contrary. Living in a society where males are valued over females made my belief more preposterous, why admit to being something seen as socially inferior??
Since c***dhood there had always been such enormous shame associated with my displaying of any typically female behavior that the thought od admitting that i was a girl was absolutely terrifying. Suicide though was not fair to those that loved me, especially my family and close friends. It was a cowards way out....I was no coward.
What do you do when you are placed in such a situation? The only thing you can do, try to find at any cost. those cost are far higher than I could have contemplated at the age when I was forced to make that decision. Once I knew what I had to survive my y work on building the most clever, amazing, unshakable deception imaginable was impecable. No one ,ever,even once ,saw through or suspected my femaleness, but I knew the truth and I hated myself for it . No matter how perfect my disguise might be it could not be maintained forever. So I made preparations to launch into a new life journey. I read all i can find on the subject-the internet was an amazing resource for this, and spoke to some of my friends in the community. I went to the the "doctor" and got my medications and promptly put them aside until I was sure as to this is what I wanted to do. That morning, I have exceptionally good prayers and I start on that journey that would eventually give me joy and power
I have beenalot of things in my life but being a woman has given me the reatest pwer over myself. I eat uch better bow and I take care of myself better as well. I feel great being calm where rage once dwelled. I know no longer stand in fron of the bathroom mirror and stick my tongue out at myself, instead, i love the face that looks back at me and she has become my mostest best friend. The gift I received for transforming was being able to make people smile with joy of the heart. Of course being a pretty girl didn''t hurt either. But most of all, the sadness and rage stopped ,I get to dress in better clothes,that I think look better on me.? I do not cuss as much- only when I need to express my point and that works to carry more impact. Not to say, I cannot be articulate . but good too sometimes. And I get to be sweet without seeming weak.As is so often is the case. In short ..I have learned to love me.
In closing I hope I have expressed myself well and we can continue to be who we are and have been to each other. I value our relationship very much. May goodness and blessings be your, along with true love in your heart..Peace out
13年前
