To Jennifer
That night when you and I were at El Matador beach, to hear you say that you loved me caught me by surprise. It took my breath away to look into your eyes, those honest but conflicted eyes, and hear the words I had longed to hear for so long. It was like a dream had come true. I felt as though the world around me just faded as only you and I were on that beach at that moment. As the waves crashed along the shore, those periods of their refrain reflected the stillness I knew we both felt at that moment. As the moonlight strengthened and dimmed upon us, it was if the night mimicked our very hearts. I was overcome with serenity.
As our lips touched for the first time, so many lines were crossed just then. I had never really kissed another woman, and you were so much younger than I. When our lips met, there was nothing but you, me, and that feeling of our lips touching. When I drew your body close to mine, felt your warmth upon that cold beach, I felt there was nothing that could possibly ever tear us apart. I respected all that you had done, as I watched your progress and earn your position. I monitored you as you fought against your wounds, and you were so strong while doing so.. So many years younger, but you possessed an inner strength I truly envied.
After you and I made love, to an extent I have never experienced with a man... it was a level of intimacy which I had never known... you left early without saying a word. I knew what that meant. You were driving, speeding, back to him, your husband, who showed you nothing but abuse, degradation, lack of support, threats, discouragement, and pain. You didn't even leave a note. You didn't answer my calls for a week. But I knew why. You had never been shown love. To be loved is frightening to you. Disregard the sexual orientation issues, you left because you felt you deserved the misery he dealt out. I understood, and even expected it, but I was shattered. I never loved anyone so profoundly as I love you.
Aside from a few angry encounters with you, you basically dropped out of my life completely. However, there was one occasion during which I saw you. You were in San Diego for some reason at a GNC in Horton Plaza. I was with friends ready to see a movie. I had my ipod on, but I could still hear that familiar ringtone of yours.... I turned around and there you were, knelt down looking at vitamins. My ipod happened to be playing "Potions" by Puscifer, a song which couldn't have been more appropriate. I was stunned at first and couldn't help just looking at your every movement, all of which I missed so much. After I broke free from my paralyzation, I walked outside in sort of a daze. The food court laid up ahead and there were too many people there, so I ran up to the third floor of Macy's, briskly walked to the bathroom, and found a stall where I could crumble outside the sight of strangers. I cried for what seemed like forever, a cry that needed to come out. Though I have seen you several times since then, and obviously we text, it was at that moment when I watched you but felt I could not say anything to you that I realized our worlds had separated. We were not part of each other's lives.
I am grateful for what little contact we do have. I am grateful for the love you and I shared that night after kissing you on the beach. And I am very grateful you are free of abuse that sonofabitch dealt out to you. I am happy that you are free. I miss you with all my heart though. I loved you in a way that I feel I never will again. And that's okay. You will always be a part of my life in memory.
I love you Jennifer. You will forever be in my heart.
Semper Fidelis
Catherine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAuEb9L_Kvg
As our lips touched for the first time, so many lines were crossed just then. I had never really kissed another woman, and you were so much younger than I. When our lips met, there was nothing but you, me, and that feeling of our lips touching. When I drew your body close to mine, felt your warmth upon that cold beach, I felt there was nothing that could possibly ever tear us apart. I respected all that you had done, as I watched your progress and earn your position. I monitored you as you fought against your wounds, and you were so strong while doing so.. So many years younger, but you possessed an inner strength I truly envied.
After you and I made love, to an extent I have never experienced with a man... it was a level of intimacy which I had never known... you left early without saying a word. I knew what that meant. You were driving, speeding, back to him, your husband, who showed you nothing but abuse, degradation, lack of support, threats, discouragement, and pain. You didn't even leave a note. You didn't answer my calls for a week. But I knew why. You had never been shown love. To be loved is frightening to you. Disregard the sexual orientation issues, you left because you felt you deserved the misery he dealt out. I understood, and even expected it, but I was shattered. I never loved anyone so profoundly as I love you.
Aside from a few angry encounters with you, you basically dropped out of my life completely. However, there was one occasion during which I saw you. You were in San Diego for some reason at a GNC in Horton Plaza. I was with friends ready to see a movie. I had my ipod on, but I could still hear that familiar ringtone of yours.... I turned around and there you were, knelt down looking at vitamins. My ipod happened to be playing "Potions" by Puscifer, a song which couldn't have been more appropriate. I was stunned at first and couldn't help just looking at your every movement, all of which I missed so much. After I broke free from my paralyzation, I walked outside in sort of a daze. The food court laid up ahead and there were too many people there, so I ran up to the third floor of Macy's, briskly walked to the bathroom, and found a stall where I could crumble outside the sight of strangers. I cried for what seemed like forever, a cry that needed to come out. Though I have seen you several times since then, and obviously we text, it was at that moment when I watched you but felt I could not say anything to you that I realized our worlds had separated. We were not part of each other's lives.
I am grateful for what little contact we do have. I am grateful for the love you and I shared that night after kissing you on the beach. And I am very grateful you are free of abuse that sonofabitch dealt out to you. I am happy that you are free. I miss you with all my heart though. I loved you in a way that I feel I never will again. And that's okay. You will always be a part of my life in memory.
I love you Jennifer. You will forever be in my heart.
Semper Fidelis
Catherine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAuEb9L_Kvg
13年前
