Getting Used to Being Alone.

I spent my 31st birthday as I always have. Alone. I wanted to be brave and go to my first gay bar. There is only one in town and I'm not exactly out to everyone. This gay thing, although I've known what I was since I can remember, is still pretty new to me. I think having a poor excuse for a penis keeps me from getting out there. I am also quite chubby. Not super obese but overweight for my 6'1 and probably almost 300lbs. Sad I know, but I have spent my life depressed because of the way I was treated growing up. I am trying to get in shape. Just got a new 10 speed.

I have never been lonelier than I am now. I have a sort of weight lifted off my shoulders in that I have friends who I am out to, but I am too shy and afraid to see if there is someone out there for me.

I'm just a broke piece of trash from the bad side of town. Most think I am a thug or lowlife but I am not. I may not be clean shaven all the time but I am a pretty nice guy. I make friends so easily. Keeping them is the hard part. Most of my friends are male and straight. I end up having to avoid them because I tend to fall in love easily.

I am slipping into the thought of finding meaningless sex just to be close to a man. I know there are guys out there who don't mind cuddly bears like me. I just can't bring myself to look. I get so pissed with myself for not having the balls to step outside my comfort zone. i want so badly to be able to love a man, to be loved by a man. I feel like such a pussy because I am still afraid to love and be loved.

I know there is someone I will click with, but I feel unworthy of him. I hope this is just a phase in my life, but if not I guess I am strong enough to make it through. Hell, I've made it this far.