Mike's Blog 4: Negotiating

I know, I promised to pick up on part two, but I think it's about time I talk about this. After all, it's one of the most important things you need to discuss with your partner. Negotiating the rules is elementary, and without doing it the whole thing will sooner our later collapse. There are two basic rules you need to work out.

"soft limits"

A soft limit is something the submissive partner will only do under special circumstances or after expressed permission. For example, I'm only permitted to slap Melissa in the face if:

-I'm not wearing gloves
-She is not gagged
-She is not blindfolded
-She is not fully restricted in her movement
-She allowed me

Seems like a lot of rules, and it's only one thing on a long list, but it's absolutely mandatory. Without those rules, a playful game turns into a simple beating and torture, and that is NOT the point of D/s play. A submissive enjoys pain and/or humiliation to a certain degree and a dominate finds his joy in giving them. But both have their limits and they have to be respected without debate. Yes, I said both. One of my soft limits would be needles. I don't get anything from them, but Melissa enjoys it. So we agreed:

-I won't use them just for the fun of it
-I will use them as temporary fixation for something before attaching it to her otherwise
-I will never use them on her genetals
-I may use them as special punishment

That way we both feel comfortable, and both get satisfaction from our games.


"hard limits"

A hard limit is most likely what you expect it to be. Something you can't do, no matter what. And there are lots of them. It can be something as simple as 'no facials' or as far out there as 'If I'm wearing purple, don't hit me with the bullwhip on my left ankle'. Im exaggerating, but you should get my point. No matter what it is, you respect it. Hard limits are absolute no-goes. I know I repeat myself, but it really is that important. Break them, and you break the game. At that point it becomes ************** and essentially *******. Let me give you a few examples what a hard limit list can include, again based on Melissa and me

-No e-stim pain on her genetals.
-No anal sex
-No buttplugs above a certain size
-No breaking her skin with the whip
-No fisting

On that list are two things I would really like to do to her, but I respect that she said no. It's as easy as that.

Write down what you agree on so that there is no confusion, otherwise you are bound to forget things. You don't need to have the list on you, just memorize it. Over time, you can recite the list backwards drunk while you sleep. Until then, plan every session accordingly and just make sure you remember the limits that apply in that planned situation.

Both lists will change over time due to gained experience, peeked interests and so on. That is normal and needs to be discussed as well. Over the years, several hard limits have become soft, soft have become hard and a few entirely new things became limits while others disappeared. It's an organic process and it is never finished. Melissa and I sit down once a month and work our way through or agreement, adjusting it as we see the necessity.


As you see it takes some work, but trust me it's worth the effort. Once you can be sure that nothing against anyone's will happens, you can both relax and really enjoy the fettling of perfect, absolute and borderless trust. And THAT is what it's all about.