Funny Sayings in English for any occasion

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
William Castle

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Everyone has photographic memory, some just don't have the film.

Everyone is entitled to his own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I am not a vegetarian because I love a****ls. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I Love you, you Love me, we can make a family!

In God we trust, all others must pay cash.

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay and you never get anything back.
Al Bundy

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.
Rita Mae Brown

Love is a name, sex is a game, forget the name and play the game.

Nobody is perfect. My name is nobody.

Roses are red, violetts are blue, god made me beautiful, but what happend to you?

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. Robert Graves

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try!
Homer Simpson