Mike's Blog 6: second time talk
How on earth did I forget to cover this? I even told you I would at the very start of blog 1... Anyway, here it goes.
I believe it was my second blog-sentence ever when I said you have to try at least twice to be sure. So why twice? Because your first try is a lot like your first time having sex. You're inexperienced, excited, unsure what to do, a bit clumsy and most likely short lived. That's normal. No one has mastered this in a single try. And because of that, it's difficult to get a good perspective on the experience. Sure, you can tell wether or not you generally liked it, but that's about it.
And for the sub it's even more confusing. You have just shown a completely new site of yourself to her. Plus, she had been tired up and somewhat used by you, probably disciplined and punished. It becomes even more unraveling if she enjoyed it. That is something she has to get a grasp on, and it's easier said than done. At this point many couples hit one simple issue. How to talk about it?
In theory it's simple. Just sit down together and discuss if and what you liked about it. Buy reality is a heartless bitch. It can feel incredibly awkward afterwards and the idea to sleep over it and talk tomorrow looks like the easier way out. Then it's not the right timing, next one of you is in the wrong mood and tomorrow becomes next week becomes next month, and soon you'll find yourself thinking
"what the hell, wasn't all that great anyway." And since she never said anything you might believe that she didn't really enjoy it either. And if she's going through the same thoughts? At this point many couples who actually liked it drop the matter, simply because no one had the guts to talk openly about it.
It's hard to give advice on this, but personally I believe that the best time to talk about it is right afterwards. Your impressions are fresh and you're most likely to be able to say what you liked about it. Try bringing it up while you untie her and there is no need for a clever transition.
"so... How did you like it?" Is all it takes to get the ball rolling. Now, be honest with each other. Liking something is just as important as not liking something. This is a good opportunity to begin working on the soft and hard limit list. Like I said in blog 4, knowing each others do's and don'ts is important, but unlike many others I don't believe you need to do this before your first try. You will be hesitant by default so there is need to set up limits that you won't cross anyway. But now you have some first impressions and can judge it far better.
But what about those who have let time pass by? The longer it's been, the harder it becomes to, as Melli calls it, return to the rope. Above all else it depends on the reason why you didn't do it. If it's like I said before and you just missed the right opportunity to talk, then it's easier than you might think. She already knows that you like it, maybe likes it herself and was just waiting for you to say something. So do it.
"Honey, a while ago we tried some bondage, remember?" And see where it leads. It's of course also a possibility that she just didn't enjoy it and that's why she didn't talk to you about it, but you won't know until then.
If you weren't sure if you liked it yourself and want to garher some more experience, use the same approach. It's never to late for it. Just recently we had an elderly couple, both in their mid sixties, visit us. They heard through neighbors and friends what we do and wanted our advice. They had tried it once, over thirty years back, and now wanted to do it again but didn't know how. Bondage isn't a young peoples game, every one can do it.
Of course, I can only address general problems and give ideas on how to approach them. Specific issues require special solutions. But jet me try to give you some examples for creative problem solving. As you maybe know, I worked as a professional for five years. During that time I encountered some interesting problems. One of my customers, she was terrified of the dark. Blindfold are an essential tool, but they were on hard limit list. So instead I used curtains hung right below her neck. The darkness issue was avoided but she still couldn't see what was going on.
Another woman didn't want to be hit. So I pinched her, used clamps and so on. Almost every problem can be worked around and become a challenge instead of an obstacle, all you need is the right attitude.
I believe it was my second blog-sentence ever when I said you have to try at least twice to be sure. So why twice? Because your first try is a lot like your first time having sex. You're inexperienced, excited, unsure what to do, a bit clumsy and most likely short lived. That's normal. No one has mastered this in a single try. And because of that, it's difficult to get a good perspective on the experience. Sure, you can tell wether or not you generally liked it, but that's about it.
And for the sub it's even more confusing. You have just shown a completely new site of yourself to her. Plus, she had been tired up and somewhat used by you, probably disciplined and punished. It becomes even more unraveling if she enjoyed it. That is something she has to get a grasp on, and it's easier said than done. At this point many couples hit one simple issue. How to talk about it?
In theory it's simple. Just sit down together and discuss if and what you liked about it. Buy reality is a heartless bitch. It can feel incredibly awkward afterwards and the idea to sleep over it and talk tomorrow looks like the easier way out. Then it's not the right timing, next one of you is in the wrong mood and tomorrow becomes next week becomes next month, and soon you'll find yourself thinking
"what the hell, wasn't all that great anyway." And since she never said anything you might believe that she didn't really enjoy it either. And if she's going through the same thoughts? At this point many couples who actually liked it drop the matter, simply because no one had the guts to talk openly about it.
It's hard to give advice on this, but personally I believe that the best time to talk about it is right afterwards. Your impressions are fresh and you're most likely to be able to say what you liked about it. Try bringing it up while you untie her and there is no need for a clever transition.
"so... How did you like it?" Is all it takes to get the ball rolling. Now, be honest with each other. Liking something is just as important as not liking something. This is a good opportunity to begin working on the soft and hard limit list. Like I said in blog 4, knowing each others do's and don'ts is important, but unlike many others I don't believe you need to do this before your first try. You will be hesitant by default so there is need to set up limits that you won't cross anyway. But now you have some first impressions and can judge it far better.
But what about those who have let time pass by? The longer it's been, the harder it becomes to, as Melli calls it, return to the rope. Above all else it depends on the reason why you didn't do it. If it's like I said before and you just missed the right opportunity to talk, then it's easier than you might think. She already knows that you like it, maybe likes it herself and was just waiting for you to say something. So do it.
"Honey, a while ago we tried some bondage, remember?" And see where it leads. It's of course also a possibility that she just didn't enjoy it and that's why she didn't talk to you about it, but you won't know until then.
If you weren't sure if you liked it yourself and want to garher some more experience, use the same approach. It's never to late for it. Just recently we had an elderly couple, both in their mid sixties, visit us. They heard through neighbors and friends what we do and wanted our advice. They had tried it once, over thirty years back, and now wanted to do it again but didn't know how. Bondage isn't a young peoples game, every one can do it.
Of course, I can only address general problems and give ideas on how to approach them. Specific issues require special solutions. But jet me try to give you some examples for creative problem solving. As you maybe know, I worked as a professional for five years. During that time I encountered some interesting problems. One of my customers, she was terrified of the dark. Blindfold are an essential tool, but they were on hard limit list. So instead I used curtains hung right below her neck. The darkness issue was avoided but she still couldn't see what was going on.
Another woman didn't want to be hit. So I pinched her, used clamps and so on. Almost every problem can be worked around and become a challenge instead of an obstacle, all you need is the right attitude.
12年前
