Mike's Blog 7: living together
Ah crap, this is gonna be a long one... But let's get started.
Let's assume that so far everything has gone according to your hopes. You've managed to peek her interest, tried it, set up the list, tried it again and by now both of you are starting to feel somewhat comfortable. Now what? Actually living with it is one of the last real challenges, but also the biggest so far. Many people underestimate this, because they think of D/s play as just another way to have sex. But give it a few Weeks and you'll find out that that is not the case at all. Sooner or later you will find yourselves falling into those rolls outside of the bedroom, usually by accident. A typical way to stumble over this would be
"Honey, could you give me the milk?"
"Yes, master."
*awkward silence*
"What did you say?"
At first you might laugh it off, but this will happen again and again, usually the morning after a session. After two, maybe three times it stats to dawn on you that you're going through an elementary change in you relationship. That can be quite confusing, but it's a natural part of the experience. This is another 'dropout point' where many couples hit the breaks. It's understandable, but not necessary at all. People change according to their life experiences, and you were both recently hit with a big one. It takes time to adjust, and many couples don't understand that. They see their sex- and private lives becoming intermingled and want it to stop. But ask yourself a question. Why is that so bad?
Passion is part of a relationship or marriage, actually it's one if the biggest points in defining the difference between friends and lovers. So wouldn't it be a good thing to have them both blended together?
But no, society again screws things up. Sex in general, and especially kinky sex, are considered to be a taboo topic and belong into the, preferably dark, bedroom. If you talk about them, you do so quietly and even then you're supposed to feel bad about it. What a load of crap. Think about this: Sex in video games is, according to a recent poll, the single most disturbing thing. It came in above d**g consumption and the graphically displayed severance of limbs.
Seriously? Why is sex so bad? Everyone does it! But now I'm drifting of into a rant.
Back to your issue. When it happened to Melissa for the first time, she was shellshocked. Some pretty disturbing thoughts crossed her mind, like
"What the hell did he do to me?" Or
"What am I turning into?"
It can really mess with your head, so approach her about it. Make sure she knows that it is perfectly normal to go through some changes and that you've been feeling some similar things. Trust me, that won't be a lie. Walking the line between loving boyfriend/husband and her dom isn't easy and you will undoubtedly feel the urge to punish her from time to time outside of the sessions.
Now is the time for the two of you to decide how to continue. Most relationships can be defined into one of three categories.
"closed domination"
This wouldn't change much and many couples choose this at first, thinking it's what they want. It means drawing a clear line between your every day lives and the sessions. Sounds like a good thing, but unless you're capable to completely distance yourself from the sessions, accidental crossovers will happen. It's foolish to believe that just because you decided not to be affected by it your really wouldn't be. The occasional
"yes master" response will happen, and chances are that you will slip into the second category over time. So be honest with yourself from the beginning. If you're not entirely sure that you have the required selfcontrol, than don't try this. Once you start slipping it will be even more confusing, for the both of you.
"open domination"
This is the intermediate solution and also the way Melissa and I live. Here, the lines are blurred. While we usually keep each aspect of or relationship separate, sometimes they intertwine and make life a whole lot more interesting. For example: If the mood strikes me during a movie, I hold her down and make her come right there on the spot. Or I might spank her for some screw up. Not every time, just when I feel like it. Other times she might come to me, saying something like
"Master, I've been bad." You get where that leads. I believe this is the most relaxed way to live it and for most couples this is a sensible solution. It neither requires you to stay distanced from one or the other and you can give in to your urges when you feel like it.
"full domination"
With this, there is no line to cross. Every aspect of your private life becomes a subject to D/s play. It usually includes an ownership agreement which I'll explain further down. While I understand the fascination behind it, I don't recommend it. It's a very intense way to live, and a lot of people do it like this, but you will have almost no chance to fall out of character. That makes this lifestyle only appropriate if you have a very strong dominate drive and your partner is extremely submissive. For everyone else it will only strain your relationship.
Next are prove of ownership and ownership agreements. They are two different things and you need to distinguish between them. For example: both Melissa and Ashley have a prove of ownership, but only Ashley signed an ownership agreement. So what are they?
A prove of ownership can be anything from a ring to body modification. Ashley has a small leather collar she only takes of during work and Melissa has a tattoo of two chain links below her left ear. Both are visual signs of them being owned by someone that only those who know us can identify as such. Seems somewhat weird and maybe a bit cruel to have her get a tattoo, but it was her idea and she takes pride in having it.
An ownership agreement is something very different. It's a contact, sometimes even notarized, giving ownership of yourself to someone else. It includes a catalogue of rules and specific punishments for breaking them as well responsibilities for the owner. It can be as easy as free housing and food or an allowance... There are no limits, as long as both parties agree and sign it willingly.
A modified version can also be used as an agreement for living together, solidifying which lines may be crossed and what is reserved for your sessions.
It all seems very technical, but there is a reason behind it. Living like this requires rules. And if you don't write them down at some point, you will eventually forget them.
Let's assume that so far everything has gone according to your hopes. You've managed to peek her interest, tried it, set up the list, tried it again and by now both of you are starting to feel somewhat comfortable. Now what? Actually living with it is one of the last real challenges, but also the biggest so far. Many people underestimate this, because they think of D/s play as just another way to have sex. But give it a few Weeks and you'll find out that that is not the case at all. Sooner or later you will find yourselves falling into those rolls outside of the bedroom, usually by accident. A typical way to stumble over this would be
"Honey, could you give me the milk?"
"Yes, master."
*awkward silence*
"What did you say?"
At first you might laugh it off, but this will happen again and again, usually the morning after a session. After two, maybe three times it stats to dawn on you that you're going through an elementary change in you relationship. That can be quite confusing, but it's a natural part of the experience. This is another 'dropout point' where many couples hit the breaks. It's understandable, but not necessary at all. People change according to their life experiences, and you were both recently hit with a big one. It takes time to adjust, and many couples don't understand that. They see their sex- and private lives becoming intermingled and want it to stop. But ask yourself a question. Why is that so bad?
Passion is part of a relationship or marriage, actually it's one if the biggest points in defining the difference between friends and lovers. So wouldn't it be a good thing to have them both blended together?
But no, society again screws things up. Sex in general, and especially kinky sex, are considered to be a taboo topic and belong into the, preferably dark, bedroom. If you talk about them, you do so quietly and even then you're supposed to feel bad about it. What a load of crap. Think about this: Sex in video games is, according to a recent poll, the single most disturbing thing. It came in above d**g consumption and the graphically displayed severance of limbs.
Seriously? Why is sex so bad? Everyone does it! But now I'm drifting of into a rant.
Back to your issue. When it happened to Melissa for the first time, she was shellshocked. Some pretty disturbing thoughts crossed her mind, like
"What the hell did he do to me?" Or
"What am I turning into?"
It can really mess with your head, so approach her about it. Make sure she knows that it is perfectly normal to go through some changes and that you've been feeling some similar things. Trust me, that won't be a lie. Walking the line between loving boyfriend/husband and her dom isn't easy and you will undoubtedly feel the urge to punish her from time to time outside of the sessions.
Now is the time for the two of you to decide how to continue. Most relationships can be defined into one of three categories.
"closed domination"
This wouldn't change much and many couples choose this at first, thinking it's what they want. It means drawing a clear line between your every day lives and the sessions. Sounds like a good thing, but unless you're capable to completely distance yourself from the sessions, accidental crossovers will happen. It's foolish to believe that just because you decided not to be affected by it your really wouldn't be. The occasional
"yes master" response will happen, and chances are that you will slip into the second category over time. So be honest with yourself from the beginning. If you're not entirely sure that you have the required selfcontrol, than don't try this. Once you start slipping it will be even more confusing, for the both of you.
"open domination"
This is the intermediate solution and also the way Melissa and I live. Here, the lines are blurred. While we usually keep each aspect of or relationship separate, sometimes they intertwine and make life a whole lot more interesting. For example: If the mood strikes me during a movie, I hold her down and make her come right there on the spot. Or I might spank her for some screw up. Not every time, just when I feel like it. Other times she might come to me, saying something like
"Master, I've been bad." You get where that leads. I believe this is the most relaxed way to live it and for most couples this is a sensible solution. It neither requires you to stay distanced from one or the other and you can give in to your urges when you feel like it.
"full domination"
With this, there is no line to cross. Every aspect of your private life becomes a subject to D/s play. It usually includes an ownership agreement which I'll explain further down. While I understand the fascination behind it, I don't recommend it. It's a very intense way to live, and a lot of people do it like this, but you will have almost no chance to fall out of character. That makes this lifestyle only appropriate if you have a very strong dominate drive and your partner is extremely submissive. For everyone else it will only strain your relationship.
Next are prove of ownership and ownership agreements. They are two different things and you need to distinguish between them. For example: both Melissa and Ashley have a prove of ownership, but only Ashley signed an ownership agreement. So what are they?
A prove of ownership can be anything from a ring to body modification. Ashley has a small leather collar she only takes of during work and Melissa has a tattoo of two chain links below her left ear. Both are visual signs of them being owned by someone that only those who know us can identify as such. Seems somewhat weird and maybe a bit cruel to have her get a tattoo, but it was her idea and she takes pride in having it.
An ownership agreement is something very different. It's a contact, sometimes even notarized, giving ownership of yourself to someone else. It includes a catalogue of rules and specific punishments for breaking them as well responsibilities for the owner. It can be as easy as free housing and food or an allowance... There are no limits, as long as both parties agree and sign it willingly.
A modified version can also be used as an agreement for living together, solidifying which lines may be crossed and what is reserved for your sessions.
It all seems very technical, but there is a reason behind it. Living like this requires rules. And if you don't write them down at some point, you will eventually forget them.
12年前
