Joke of the day
From a great friend:
My wife is so annoying! "do you think I'm sexy? How hot am I? Aren't I gorgeous? Do I have a nice ass?" all I want is for her to answer me once in awhile.
From BL status.
How you spot a blind guy in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you!
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
From Mike.... Thanks buddy!
Top ten of men.
Men who come straight to the point.
1. The Doctor because he says, " Take off your cloths"
2. The Dentist because he says, " Open wide"
3. The Hairdresser because he says, " Do you want it teased or blown?"
4. The Milkman because he always asks, "Do you want it in the front or in the back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says," Once you have it all in, you'll love it"
6. The Banker because he says, " If you take it out too soon, you'll loose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says, " Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, and shoots twice!!!
My wife shared this one with me today. Thanks baby!
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
6th time a charm!!! :) from mcgonagall.....
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"
Here's a new one from mcgonagall.....
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said ” Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!”
Caught speeding!!! Thanks again Mike.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
The Tiger trainer. From Mike. Thanks Mike.
A trainer in the circous has an act with tigers.He stands before a tiger ,opens the mouth and puts his penis in. Hits the tiger on the head and tiger closes its mouth.Then the trainer shows that everything is ok - the penis is fine.
He turns to the audience and asks if anyone wants to try it too? Silence,nobody blinks."What" says the trainer, "isn't there anybody brave enough to try". A lady stands up and replies "Okay I'll try,but don't hit me too hard on the head".
The Lie Detector Robot.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps
people when they lie. He decided to test it
out at dinner one night. The father asks his
son what he did that afternoon. The son
say, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot
slaps the son. The son says, “OK, OK! I was
at a friend’s house watching movies.” Dad
asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son
says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “OK, OK! We were watching porn.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even
know what porn was.” The robot slaps the
father. Mom laughs and says, “Well, he
certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the
mother.
My wife is so annoying! "do you think I'm sexy? How hot am I? Aren't I gorgeous? Do I have a nice ass?" all I want is for her to answer me once in awhile.
From BL status.
How you spot a blind guy in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you!
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
From Mike.... Thanks buddy!
Top ten of men.
Men who come straight to the point.
1. The Doctor because he says, " Take off your cloths"
2. The Dentist because he says, " Open wide"
3. The Hairdresser because he says, " Do you want it teased or blown?"
4. The Milkman because he always asks, "Do you want it in the front or in the back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says," Once you have it all in, you'll love it"
6. The Banker because he says, " If you take it out too soon, you'll loose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says, " Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, and shoots twice!!!
My wife shared this one with me today. Thanks baby!
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
6th time a charm!!! :) from mcgonagall.....
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"
Here's a new one from mcgonagall.....
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said ” Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!”
Caught speeding!!! Thanks again Mike.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
The Tiger trainer. From Mike. Thanks Mike.
A trainer in the circous has an act with tigers.He stands before a tiger ,opens the mouth and puts his penis in. Hits the tiger on the head and tiger closes its mouth.Then the trainer shows that everything is ok - the penis is fine.
He turns to the audience and asks if anyone wants to try it too? Silence,nobody blinks."What" says the trainer, "isn't there anybody brave enough to try". A lady stands up and replies "Okay I'll try,but don't hit me too hard on the head".
The Lie Detector Robot.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps
people when they lie. He decided to test it
out at dinner one night. The father asks his
son what he did that afternoon. The son
say, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot
slaps the son. The son says, “OK, OK! I was
at a friend’s house watching movies.” Dad
asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son
says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “OK, OK! We were watching porn.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even
know what porn was.” The robot slaps the
father. Mom laughs and says, “Well, he
certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the
mother.
12年前
