So long, and thanks for all the fish
So I guess an explanation is in order...
This will most likely be an upfront and candid post, not too high on the funny/interesting/sexy scale, if that isn't for you, you've been warned.
I found myself this weekend spending roughly 3 hours getting dressed up, going the full mile with perfect make-up, falsies, etc. I happily snapped a few photo's for memento sake and a few to post on my profile, all the while chatting to people and lining up a few cam sessions with a few of my favorite friends. Just before doing a few "intimate" photos then jumping on cam I decided to view a few of my photo's.
They say a photo is worth a thousand words, well that only scratched the surface. What I saw I hated. What first started off as self image issues, snowballed into a myriad of issues. Lasting masculine defects, relationship issues, future prospects, superficial vanity, and so on. Through this process of going through issue after issue I realised, I don't like who I am and I don't like where I'm heading.
This site, this profile, feeds a destructive habit. In the real world I live my life in complete stealth, no one notices me and thats the entire point, free from prejudice and discrimination. Consequently a large portion of myself remains hidden, locked away, never truly expressing who I am or what I want. This site gave me an outlet to freely express myself, if I felt judged or discriminated against, a single button can remove you from my existence. Because this outlet exist, I have no reason/motivation/need to express myself in the real world. Obviously that isn't healthy, creating a 2-sided, fake and shallow person.
This weekend was an eye opener for me, an epiphany if you will. I need to remove my unhealthy outlets, and make sure the person that exists in the real world is 100% unrestricted me. Thus I'm taking time out from Xham(at-least the social aspect, a girl still has needs), to focus on having only one expression, one personality, one me.
Writing this has been hard, at times its felt competently melodramatic, but it has also been the****utic. Putting emotions to words, codifying my thoughts and goals. I've been staring at the "upload" button for the last 20 minutes, second guessing myself. I guess I will posts it, if only for my own sake...
This will most likely be an upfront and candid post, not too high on the funny/interesting/sexy scale, if that isn't for you, you've been warned.
I found myself this weekend spending roughly 3 hours getting dressed up, going the full mile with perfect make-up, falsies, etc. I happily snapped a few photo's for memento sake and a few to post on my profile, all the while chatting to people and lining up a few cam sessions with a few of my favorite friends. Just before doing a few "intimate" photos then jumping on cam I decided to view a few of my photo's.
They say a photo is worth a thousand words, well that only scratched the surface. What I saw I hated. What first started off as self image issues, snowballed into a myriad of issues. Lasting masculine defects, relationship issues, future prospects, superficial vanity, and so on. Through this process of going through issue after issue I realised, I don't like who I am and I don't like where I'm heading.
This site, this profile, feeds a destructive habit. In the real world I live my life in complete stealth, no one notices me and thats the entire point, free from prejudice and discrimination. Consequently a large portion of myself remains hidden, locked away, never truly expressing who I am or what I want. This site gave me an outlet to freely express myself, if I felt judged or discriminated against, a single button can remove you from my existence. Because this outlet exist, I have no reason/motivation/need to express myself in the real world. Obviously that isn't healthy, creating a 2-sided, fake and shallow person.
This weekend was an eye opener for me, an epiphany if you will. I need to remove my unhealthy outlets, and make sure the person that exists in the real world is 100% unrestricted me. Thus I'm taking time out from Xham(at-least the social aspect, a girl still has needs), to focus on having only one expression, one personality, one me.
Writing this has been hard, at times its felt competently melodramatic, but it has also been the****utic. Putting emotions to words, codifying my thoughts and goals. I've been staring at the "upload" button for the last 20 minutes, second guessing myself. I guess I will posts it, if only for my own sake...
11年前
