Strap on quest!

the need for me started young. i remember being a teen in the bath room wondering what it would feel like as i jerked off, i made a small knife in wood shop well it looked like a knife the handle was made purposely by me with a rounded end and a 4 inch shaft perfectly smooth. i didn't realize it then but i was making my first dildo. the other k**s thought it was cool what i made on the lathe. i took it home and put it away not knowing what its intended use would be, one night i bought a porno from the local sex store i looked at dildos and strap-on's in the store, i was to chicken to buy one, i was just learning about my body and i was single and needed something to watch. i watched that porno and the actor (i don't even remember his name) he got pounded by some woman porn star with a strap on. it wasn't a big strap on but, she knew how to use it . my dick was so hard that night i wanted the same thing. i wanted to go back to the porn store and by a dildo but i was embarrassed. i went on the hunt and found my knife i made in shop class. used Vaseline that was the only lube i had. i started to push the smooth handle into my ass, i was so afraid i would get a splinter but continued to plunge it into me cause i loved the feeling. it was so much pain but it was such a turn on. i continued to force the 4 inch handle till it had penetrated my virgin asshole. god the feeling gave me shivers i continued to push till the 4 inch handle was inside me when the handle passed and my ass swallowed it the feeling was such a relief i didn't have to push it was inside me filling me with pleasure. i pulled on the blade and started to pull the handle out. oh god right back to pain but enjoyed every bit of satisfaction. i pulled the hand made knife out of my ass and instantly started rubbing my cock. i came so hard thinking of my makeshift wooden knife being inside me. i used that knife many times after that. since those years i have never had strap on sex, i have owned dildos and anal vibes and prostate massage vibes. i think now i am looking for that strap on experience the actual feeling of having someone push deep into me. i can control my dildo and my vibe i cannot control what someone else will do to me. i am looking to release control and give it away to an anal mistress she will have full control of my pleasure and my pain. i am longing for it to be real one day. one day!