Daymares (Poetry)

As I lay motionless, awake in my bed,
I crossed my arms and wished I was dead.
The years flashed by as I reviewed my life,
through my younger years and when I had a Wife.

Regrets, apologies and overall despair
years spent fighting for another one's care.
The tears, the pain and soul splitting cries
no one gave a rotten fuck if we lived or died.

The heartache, the losses or desperate pleas
for the ones still crying but no one wants to see.
I've heard those voices and I've caused those cries.
I've done those things that I now despise.

Oh God forgive me as I ask you above!
I was a Soldier of Fortune without compassion or love.
I was Shiva. I was Death; I was the Destroyer of Worlds.
I profited from the carnage while Earth's chaos unfurled.

I’ve stood on the battlefield and smelled the aroma of death.
I’ve tasted the cordite smoke as I gagged on every breath.
I know what I’ve done and my soul is bound to Hell.
I am no longer a human being but just an empty shell.

Filled with great remorse, I still see those lifeless eyes.
Laying there all contorted as I heard the buzzing flies.
Now I’m home among you, and you’d never know my past.
I’ll never tell you the gruesome things even if you’d asked.

I'm afraid to sleep and I fear, every time I close my eyes.
What role do I play today whether in uniform or disguise.
Forgive me my Lord. I'm so sorry, forgive me for my sins.
The abyss grows larger in my core deep in my soul within.