My way into the world of BDSM
I'm gonna tell ya'll a bit more about me practising BDSM, inspired by a question from one of my xh-friends.
First of all: my assumption is that you know what BDSM is. Otherwise you have to google it, because that is such a big topic, it would take to much space from this post!
I lost my virginity pretty late – I was 19 years old. After that, I never had sex with another man until I broke up with my ”first”, almost 20 years later. We had a ”vanilla” relationship. He didn't like porn, and he didn't like it when I dressed in sexy lingerie.
Once, I made a big effort and dressed in lingerie to surprise him when he got home... and he laughed at me!! I guess he got nervous and didn't know how to react, but I got devastated, obviously. And I never did it again. Not until recently it has dawn on me that I am a full-blown fetishist. I'm really happy I met someone who fully appreciates this kink of mine.
Well, my long relationship ended, and it ended with real drama. I don't want to go into details, but I really felt very oppressed with that man – not sexually, but in everyday life. I was often very scared because the strangest things would make him angry, and he threw the worst tantrums, breaking stuff at home. Yes I would say I lived in fear, in periods.
And then we split up. And I went crazy – after one year in solitude, thinking I would never want to touch another man – I started to act really slutty (this is quite common I think, after a break-up).
At first I just met vanilla men, which obviously wasn't satisfactory enough. But after a year or so, two things happened, almost simultaneously, that led me into the path of BDSM.
First: I went to a party dressed really slutty, even though I think I didn't really understand HOW slutty I looked. So I hooked up with one guy at the party (a vanilla man), and I ended up following another man home. And it turned out he wasn't vanilla... He spanked me a little bit, and I was like ”more, more!” So I continued to meet that man for a while, exclusively, and we acted out some fantasies. Still kind of ”light”, I must say.
Second: in Sweden there was a big criminal case at the same time, that rendered a lot of attention in the media. A man had k**napped a woman, and held her hostage in the cellar of an abandoned house, where he tied her up in the bed and left her one night... The cellar was described as a torture chamber, a real dungeon... Now he was prosecuted, and the story was rolled up in the newspapers.
Terrible, right, poor woman!!? Hahaa, well... I read everything about this, very fascinated... and I learned the man and the woman got in contact on an online community for BDSM performers. So one thing lead to another, and I actually signed up as a member of this site (Darkside). Probably a really odd reason for doing so!
About a year later, I was contacted by my present Master, through that site. By that time, I had met up with a bunch of men from Darkside. I've had both good experiences and really bad ones – but I still hadn't met someone that I wanted to pursue a steady relationship with.
So when he met me, I was kind of damaged goods... I had a luggage of the long, destructive relationship in the back of my head, and a conglomeration of strange experiences with different men.
I set up a bunch of rules and ”no-no”s. I don't like being whipped, I don't want you to call me a ”whore” as dirty talk, and so on. And he listened to all this, and let me discover what I wanted to experience, in my own pace. Most of the things I said ABSOLUTELY NO to in the beginning, it now turns out that I actually really enjoy...! For example, when I learned that he likes knife play, I really freaked out, and almost ended the relationship. Just the thought of him enjoying that (even though he didn't insist on us playing with knives) made me doubt me wanting to even be around him.
But today, I'm really excited when we occasionally play with his big hunting knife... and I also like being whipped, and being called his whore... So what happened?
Respect happened, love and trust happened – and me discovering my true sexual orientation happened.
But it has been a bumpy road, as I've already implied. Especially because I actually have been unable to use a safe word. I guess that even people who doesn't know very much about BDSM, still knows what a safe word is. Since BDSM always should take place in a consensual spirit, the performers always must have ways to stop if the playing goes too far.
But I couldn't do it. In the beginning, I tried to endure too much, until I crashed completely. I kind of went into the state I often had gone into with my ex: turn of my emotions and just let it happen, knowing it would be over sooner or later. But there is always a limit. After taking so many lashes, I just burst into tears, completely broken.
And I would feel like crap for weeks... so this has been a big problem for us to solve together. Since it's been impossible for me to use a safe word (or any kind of other sign) we had to try other ways. The thing that finally worked, was for him to ”go out of role”, and ask if I was OK. Only then, I could also go out of role, and really consider if I could endure the treatment.
That process actually took us a few years. And now it seldom happens that I crash. But I think we have chosen an unusual solution: nowadays I can say ”No, I want to stop now.” And that is like ”wrong”, when it comes to BDSM - ”no” should be a part of the game, not to be listened to by the Dominant part.
But for us, it's more than a game. I think that's the reason I had such difficulties to use a safe word – I don't see it like that when we ”play”. It's not a game. It's reality.
Strangely enough (or not!) – the more real our ”acting out” has gotten, the more perverted and horny I have become, too! So, win-win for both me and my Master!
And then, we lived happily ever after! :)))
First of all: my assumption is that you know what BDSM is. Otherwise you have to google it, because that is such a big topic, it would take to much space from this post!
I lost my virginity pretty late – I was 19 years old. After that, I never had sex with another man until I broke up with my ”first”, almost 20 years later. We had a ”vanilla” relationship. He didn't like porn, and he didn't like it when I dressed in sexy lingerie.
Once, I made a big effort and dressed in lingerie to surprise him when he got home... and he laughed at me!! I guess he got nervous and didn't know how to react, but I got devastated, obviously. And I never did it again. Not until recently it has dawn on me that I am a full-blown fetishist. I'm really happy I met someone who fully appreciates this kink of mine.
Well, my long relationship ended, and it ended with real drama. I don't want to go into details, but I really felt very oppressed with that man – not sexually, but in everyday life. I was often very scared because the strangest things would make him angry, and he threw the worst tantrums, breaking stuff at home. Yes I would say I lived in fear, in periods.
And then we split up. And I went crazy – after one year in solitude, thinking I would never want to touch another man – I started to act really slutty (this is quite common I think, after a break-up).
At first I just met vanilla men, which obviously wasn't satisfactory enough. But after a year or so, two things happened, almost simultaneously, that led me into the path of BDSM.
First: I went to a party dressed really slutty, even though I think I didn't really understand HOW slutty I looked. So I hooked up with one guy at the party (a vanilla man), and I ended up following another man home. And it turned out he wasn't vanilla... He spanked me a little bit, and I was like ”more, more!” So I continued to meet that man for a while, exclusively, and we acted out some fantasies. Still kind of ”light”, I must say.
Second: in Sweden there was a big criminal case at the same time, that rendered a lot of attention in the media. A man had k**napped a woman, and held her hostage in the cellar of an abandoned house, where he tied her up in the bed and left her one night... The cellar was described as a torture chamber, a real dungeon... Now he was prosecuted, and the story was rolled up in the newspapers.
Terrible, right, poor woman!!? Hahaa, well... I read everything about this, very fascinated... and I learned the man and the woman got in contact on an online community for BDSM performers. So one thing lead to another, and I actually signed up as a member of this site (Darkside). Probably a really odd reason for doing so!
About a year later, I was contacted by my present Master, through that site. By that time, I had met up with a bunch of men from Darkside. I've had both good experiences and really bad ones – but I still hadn't met someone that I wanted to pursue a steady relationship with.
So when he met me, I was kind of damaged goods... I had a luggage of the long, destructive relationship in the back of my head, and a conglomeration of strange experiences with different men.
I set up a bunch of rules and ”no-no”s. I don't like being whipped, I don't want you to call me a ”whore” as dirty talk, and so on. And he listened to all this, and let me discover what I wanted to experience, in my own pace. Most of the things I said ABSOLUTELY NO to in the beginning, it now turns out that I actually really enjoy...! For example, when I learned that he likes knife play, I really freaked out, and almost ended the relationship. Just the thought of him enjoying that (even though he didn't insist on us playing with knives) made me doubt me wanting to even be around him.
But today, I'm really excited when we occasionally play with his big hunting knife... and I also like being whipped, and being called his whore... So what happened?
Respect happened, love and trust happened – and me discovering my true sexual orientation happened.
But it has been a bumpy road, as I've already implied. Especially because I actually have been unable to use a safe word. I guess that even people who doesn't know very much about BDSM, still knows what a safe word is. Since BDSM always should take place in a consensual spirit, the performers always must have ways to stop if the playing goes too far.
But I couldn't do it. In the beginning, I tried to endure too much, until I crashed completely. I kind of went into the state I often had gone into with my ex: turn of my emotions and just let it happen, knowing it would be over sooner or later. But there is always a limit. After taking so many lashes, I just burst into tears, completely broken.
And I would feel like crap for weeks... so this has been a big problem for us to solve together. Since it's been impossible for me to use a safe word (or any kind of other sign) we had to try other ways. The thing that finally worked, was for him to ”go out of role”, and ask if I was OK. Only then, I could also go out of role, and really consider if I could endure the treatment.
That process actually took us a few years. And now it seldom happens that I crash. But I think we have chosen an unusual solution: nowadays I can say ”No, I want to stop now.” And that is like ”wrong”, when it comes to BDSM - ”no” should be a part of the game, not to be listened to by the Dominant part.
But for us, it's more than a game. I think that's the reason I had such difficulties to use a safe word – I don't see it like that when we ”play”. It's not a game. It's reality.
Strangely enough (or not!) – the more real our ”acting out” has gotten, the more perverted and horny I have become, too! So, win-win for both me and my Master!
And then, we lived happily ever after! :)))
9年前
