The reasons why I'm better than your wife

When you're out with your wife, she's constantly looking around to see if other men are looking at her. My eyes are always fixed on you.

Your wife calls you her "significant other." I call you Daddy.

Your wife needs "alone time." All I need is you.

A kiss from your wife is like ice cubes on your lips. A kiss from me tastes like raspberries and magic.

Your wife steals the covers. I use you to keep me warm.

Your wife says, "Not tonight." I say, "Just once more? Please?."

Your wife sees sex with you as a chore. I see sex with you as an honor.

Your wife shoots down every idea you have to spice up your sex life. Not only am I open to your idea of a threesome with my cousin, I'll even set it up.

Your wife gets mad when she doesn't come. I get mad when you don't.

Your wife makes you pull out. My legs are locked around you so you can't.

Your wife says, "Finally!" when it's over. I don't say anything, because you've left me speechless.

Your wife is a middle-aged ice queen who is just dying for an excuse for a divorce or for your to die so she can cash in your life insurance. I'm a young nymphomaniacal princess with daddy-issues who thinks the sun rises and sets in your pants.

I win.