How to get SHAFTED!!

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 45
years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as
R.APE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be R.APED can apply to management to be eligible for
the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have
been R.APED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme
Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be R.APED once, SHAFTED
twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been R.APED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED
or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not R.APED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel
that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of a
Supervisor: They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management