On Thur March 3rd 2016, my life changed forever
On Thursday March 3rd 2016 I woke up to find both my legs completely numb from the knees down. When I tried to get up, I could no longer stand because it was like being on stilts and I couldn't get my center or my balance. Because I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk. Because I couldn't walk of course I could no longer drive or do the mundane but no less important routine activities of life. Yes, it sucked and it still sucks.
Things had been heading this way for some time due to my relatively recent adult onset Type II diabetes which in hindsight I probably had for years and years before its proper diagnosis during a crisis situation in the ER and eight days in the ICU on New Year's Day 2013 where I was also diagnosed with two previously undiagnosed heart conditions, atrial fibrillation and congestive heart failure (the congestive heart failure is better now, the a-fib is not) as well.
When I went to my current PCP about the numbness/*******is he put me through a real meatgrinder series of tests six ways to sideways and concluded that my diabetic-induced neuropathy which had been chewing on me for decades and never had been diagnosed or even hinted at by my cadre of physicians in the past had simply gone to the next step, that of causing as he put it "complete, total and irreversible nerve damage below the knees in both legs". Ohh-kayyyyy.
The positive side of this happening and YES there is indeed a positive side to it is that with the complete numbing out of both lower legs also came for the first time in forever and ever a total lack of mind-numbing, mind-altering and soul-breaking levels of pain that the diabetic neuropathy had been causing me since 2013 but in reality had been ramping up and chewing pretty hard on me for years before that, paid beyond all metaphorical description on a never-ending continuing basis basically 24/7, pain which no level of opiates or prayer or meditations or any other kind of physical or mental or spiritual interventions could touch.
Woke up, couldn't feel my lower legs but also couldn't feel any pain from the neuropathy in them either. May I say Halle-Frackin'-Lew-Ya??!!??
So was/is the trade-off worth it? Well, it's not like I have a choice in the matter. Doc says there simply isn't any treatment of any kind for it, period, so I have to leave it at that.
Sure, it sucks being wheelchair-confined basically to the house now since going places are a real challenge with having to lug 'the chair in and out of the car and navigate often wheelchair-hostile businesses and restaurants more than you'd think and I do so miss the simple pleasures such as getting out in the yard to play ball with the dogs or being able to cook without fear of causing an accident or even take the garbage out to the street when needed because I simply can't walk.
Yet, YET in more than a couple of strange ways this has all been very liberating. Being like I am and knowing I'll be this way for the rest of my life has forced me to come to grips with the reality of having my world shrunk to the size of a football field essentially and now most of the world has to come to me through electronic or other means since it's damned near impossible for me to go to it but, you know what, being forced to confront and deal with and develop coping mechanisms on a daily basis has also meant I've had to blow tons of accumulated psychic and emotional soot out of fifty-nine-year-old chimney and concentrate on things that are truly important and not on things that aren't.
All the positive role models all of my life have shown me that being who you are is a state of self-knowledge, self-confidence, self-assurance and self-acceptance and it doesn't matter to anyone actually in my life about this new condition I'm having to work around since I'm still the same person, I'm definitely "me" and always will be.
Things had been heading this way for some time due to my relatively recent adult onset Type II diabetes which in hindsight I probably had for years and years before its proper diagnosis during a crisis situation in the ER and eight days in the ICU on New Year's Day 2013 where I was also diagnosed with two previously undiagnosed heart conditions, atrial fibrillation and congestive heart failure (the congestive heart failure is better now, the a-fib is not) as well.
When I went to my current PCP about the numbness/*******is he put me through a real meatgrinder series of tests six ways to sideways and concluded that my diabetic-induced neuropathy which had been chewing on me for decades and never had been diagnosed or even hinted at by my cadre of physicians in the past had simply gone to the next step, that of causing as he put it "complete, total and irreversible nerve damage below the knees in both legs". Ohh-kayyyyy.
The positive side of this happening and YES there is indeed a positive side to it is that with the complete numbing out of both lower legs also came for the first time in forever and ever a total lack of mind-numbing, mind-altering and soul-breaking levels of pain that the diabetic neuropathy had been causing me since 2013 but in reality had been ramping up and chewing pretty hard on me for years before that, paid beyond all metaphorical description on a never-ending continuing basis basically 24/7, pain which no level of opiates or prayer or meditations or any other kind of physical or mental or spiritual interventions could touch.
Woke up, couldn't feel my lower legs but also couldn't feel any pain from the neuropathy in them either. May I say Halle-Frackin'-Lew-Ya??!!??
So was/is the trade-off worth it? Well, it's not like I have a choice in the matter. Doc says there simply isn't any treatment of any kind for it, period, so I have to leave it at that.
Sure, it sucks being wheelchair-confined basically to the house now since going places are a real challenge with having to lug 'the chair in and out of the car and navigate often wheelchair-hostile businesses and restaurants more than you'd think and I do so miss the simple pleasures such as getting out in the yard to play ball with the dogs or being able to cook without fear of causing an accident or even take the garbage out to the street when needed because I simply can't walk.
Yet, YET in more than a couple of strange ways this has all been very liberating. Being like I am and knowing I'll be this way for the rest of my life has forced me to come to grips with the reality of having my world shrunk to the size of a football field essentially and now most of the world has to come to me through electronic or other means since it's damned near impossible for me to go to it but, you know what, being forced to confront and deal with and develop coping mechanisms on a daily basis has also meant I've had to blow tons of accumulated psychic and emotional soot out of fifty-nine-year-old chimney and concentrate on things that are truly important and not on things that aren't.
All the positive role models all of my life have shown me that being who you are is a state of self-knowledge, self-confidence, self-assurance and self-acceptance and it doesn't matter to anyone actually in my life about this new condition I'm having to work around since I'm still the same person, I'm definitely "me" and always will be.
9年前
