My Story.
So my story, I guess it starts as a girl. I was self conscious and lacked confidence. I was happy but timid. I found the performing arts around 12-************ and my confidence started to grow. I developed a comfortability in myself and allowed my personality to shine through. By the time I was 18 I was a strong and bubbly character with a lot more confidence, all be it, shy at times. I enjoyed being on stage singing and acting so public places were of no bother to me. I actually enjoyed being able to mingle, meet new people and make new friends. I could smile at people. I could dance and not be afraid to be my crazy self bouncing around the supermarket to the songs playing over the tannoy. I was happy in my own way.
When I was 18 I split from a long term boyfriend who was actually my first real lover and after a while hit it off really well with someone I'd known a while. What we had was never a serious thing, we were very compatible sexually but not so much emotionally so when he announced his love as I called it off it didn't go down to well when I didn't reciprocate. A little while later I started dating someone seriously. This made him mad. On my 19th birthday he smashed a glass into my face, practically destroying my left eye area, my eyelid was barely left attached. I was a state. I became more self conscious than I had ever been and any confidence I built was destroyed. I spent the next few months in a pitiful wreck, refusing to leave the house. Hiding my face in front anyone who spoke to me. Hoods up, staring at the floor. Over the following 2 years I underwent 5 operations to correct the shape of my eye. It was a long process with each operation slowly correcting the size and shape of my eye. I have a phobia of eyeballs so i was mortified when they told me i needed to be fully conscious for the final operation. After 2 and 1/2 hours of eye surgery whilst awake and 6 weeks waiting for swelling to go down I finally had a normal looking eye. It wasn't exactly the same as it was but it looked good. My partner stuck by my side and we had a good few years together. He supported me through my PTSD, my operations and then...... my pregnancy. Becoming a mum raised my spirits. I stopped worrying about others and concentrated on my family. Once again my confidence started to grow but I had been suffering with my health since c***dbirth. We tried for a sibling for our son and after a year of agony and disappointment we attended a fertility clinic, only to be told after extensive tests that I could not have anymore c***dren. This broke me. I felt lost. Afraid. Like a half a woman and all at the same time i felt guilt for feeling such things. I had one c***d already. I should be grateful . Some people do not even get the chance to have one. My doctor was amazing and decided I was too young to be deemed infertile through scarring. He went all out trying new things and tests. Finally I fell pregnant but by this time my relationship had taken on too much. The pressure from constantly fighting a battle overwhelmed us and we lost sight of each other. I started to become my social, outgoing self again and he withdrew further into paranoia. It had been so long since I was normal, he had forgotten what my normal was. It created strain. And finally we broke. We argued daily. I felt squashed and broken. I couldn't talk to certain people for fear of the arguments it would cause. I woke daily facing ideas of suicide. Post natal depression sunk it's claws into my already scarred heart and mind. I was slipping fast and I tried to lean on my husband. We were broken. The abuse back and forth between us grew worse and before I knew it things got physical. I knew it was time to call it a day. I knew I had my work cut out so I opened up to my friends, I was finally honest with them. I told them what was happening in my relationship, how and why it all broke down. I was honest about my feelings and my family stryggles. I thought they would think I was crazy and had finally lost the plot. But they didn't. They pulled together for me and they helped me. And they still do daily without even realising it. I very quickly started to realise how toxic my relationship had been. From the foundations in which it's was built to the crumbling walls we created. I started to work on myself. I went on the freedom programme which I HIGHLY recommend for women to do if they feel vulnerable or scared in their relationship. It helped me see the warning signs. The little pathways that we took that lead to the destruction of what was a good relationship. It helped me realise there is nothing wrong with me. Some people are just too different. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. It took me a while to accept my flaws as part of myself. I'm learning to love myself a little more each day. And this is my journey. Our worth and our value is viewed by others from what we accept ourselves. To be respected we must first respect ourselves. To be able to love and be loved we must love ourselves also.
When I was 18 I split from a long term boyfriend who was actually my first real lover and after a while hit it off really well with someone I'd known a while. What we had was never a serious thing, we were very compatible sexually but not so much emotionally so when he announced his love as I called it off it didn't go down to well when I didn't reciprocate. A little while later I started dating someone seriously. This made him mad. On my 19th birthday he smashed a glass into my face, practically destroying my left eye area, my eyelid was barely left attached. I was a state. I became more self conscious than I had ever been and any confidence I built was destroyed. I spent the next few months in a pitiful wreck, refusing to leave the house. Hiding my face in front anyone who spoke to me. Hoods up, staring at the floor. Over the following 2 years I underwent 5 operations to correct the shape of my eye. It was a long process with each operation slowly correcting the size and shape of my eye. I have a phobia of eyeballs so i was mortified when they told me i needed to be fully conscious for the final operation. After 2 and 1/2 hours of eye surgery whilst awake and 6 weeks waiting for swelling to go down I finally had a normal looking eye. It wasn't exactly the same as it was but it looked good. My partner stuck by my side and we had a good few years together. He supported me through my PTSD, my operations and then...... my pregnancy. Becoming a mum raised my spirits. I stopped worrying about others and concentrated on my family. Once again my confidence started to grow but I had been suffering with my health since c***dbirth. We tried for a sibling for our son and after a year of agony and disappointment we attended a fertility clinic, only to be told after extensive tests that I could not have anymore c***dren. This broke me. I felt lost. Afraid. Like a half a woman and all at the same time i felt guilt for feeling such things. I had one c***d already. I should be grateful . Some people do not even get the chance to have one. My doctor was amazing and decided I was too young to be deemed infertile through scarring. He went all out trying new things and tests. Finally I fell pregnant but by this time my relationship had taken on too much. The pressure from constantly fighting a battle overwhelmed us and we lost sight of each other. I started to become my social, outgoing self again and he withdrew further into paranoia. It had been so long since I was normal, he had forgotten what my normal was. It created strain. And finally we broke. We argued daily. I felt squashed and broken. I couldn't talk to certain people for fear of the arguments it would cause. I woke daily facing ideas of suicide. Post natal depression sunk it's claws into my already scarred heart and mind. I was slipping fast and I tried to lean on my husband. We were broken. The abuse back and forth between us grew worse and before I knew it things got physical. I knew it was time to call it a day. I knew I had my work cut out so I opened up to my friends, I was finally honest with them. I told them what was happening in my relationship, how and why it all broke down. I was honest about my feelings and my family stryggles. I thought they would think I was crazy and had finally lost the plot. But they didn't. They pulled together for me and they helped me. And they still do daily without even realising it. I very quickly started to realise how toxic my relationship had been. From the foundations in which it's was built to the crumbling walls we created. I started to work on myself. I went on the freedom programme which I HIGHLY recommend for women to do if they feel vulnerable or scared in their relationship. It helped me see the warning signs. The little pathways that we took that lead to the destruction of what was a good relationship. It helped me realise there is nothing wrong with me. Some people are just too different. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. It took me a while to accept my flaws as part of myself. I'm learning to love myself a little more each day. And this is my journey. Our worth and our value is viewed by others from what we accept ourselves. To be respected we must first respect ourselves. To be able to love and be loved we must love ourselves also.
7年前
