Limerick's bar and girl

TONITE'S FEATURED ARTIST(S)

thank ya. thank ya very much




SPECIAL GUESTS APPEARANCES


THE REGULARS

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APPETIZERS

if dirty harry owned a subway shop - their logo would be - go ahead, make my sandwich


so if deepak chopra marries oprah winfrey, she will be oprah choprah.
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and now for the dick report - this just in, out, in, out...
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if u cross autism with art, do u get aught? (no disrespect)
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"Archeologists digging at a site in Iran, found the remains of a civilization inhabited by a race of people who had absolutely no skills or tools of anykind. No trace of anything has been found anywhere near the site."
-------
"the following statement is true.
the preceeding statement was false"

The late, great George Carlin

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, and those of you who remain undecided, as well as those of you who defy all conventional labels - THE LIMERICKS!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

there was a young lady from Norway
who hung by her heels in the doorway
she told her young man
get off the divan
i think i've discovered one more way!

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a fairy who lived in khartoum
took a lesbian up to his room
and they argued all night
over who had the right
to do what, and with which, and to whom

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there was a young fellow from Trent
whose dick was so long that it bent
to save himself trouble
he put it in double
and instead of cumming, he went

*****************

there was a young man from Blass
whose nuts were made out of brass
when he rubbed them together
they played "Stormy Weather"
and lightening shot out of his ass
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A boy and a girl from Aberystwyth
Made love with the things that they kissed with
But as they grew older
So they got bolder
And made love with the things that they pissed with!
courtesy of elNinho
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There was a young man from Kildare
who was fucking a girl on the stair
the bannister broke, but he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in midair
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There was a young woman named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Dallas.

************************

A maid from by the Bexhill Sea,
with a plumber lay on a setee.
Said the maid 'Stop your plumbing!
There's somebody coming.'
Said the plumber, still plumbing, 'Its me.'

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were three ladies from Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock,
And tickled the cock,
of the Bishop who was confirming 'em.

But the Bishop himself was no fool.
He had been to a large public school.
So he shifted his britches,
And buggered the bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

Now the youngest young lady, named Lou,
Said as his Lordship withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker,
Stronger and thicker,
And two inches longer than you!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The girls from the picture palaces,
care not for psycho-analysis.
They're rather annoyed
by the great doctor Freud.
And cling to their long-standing phalluses.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I knew a young fellow from Kings,
who cared not for whores and such things.
His height of desire,
Was a boy from the choir,
With a bum like a jelly on springs.

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Mary had a little pig
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Dozy Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
She took a dose of Castor oil,
to pass the time away.
The oil, it did not work.
The time it did not pass
you want to know what time it is?
just look up Mary's ass.
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there was a young man from Nantucket
who couldnt write shit and said fuck it...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one liners
> 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
>
> 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
>
> 3. Who are these k**s and why are they calling me Mom/Dad?
>
> 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
>
> 5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
>
> 6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
>
> 7. This isn't an office -- It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
>
> 8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
>
> 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
>
> 10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
>
> 11. You! Off my planet!
>
> 12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
>
> 13. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
>
> 14. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
>
> 15. I like pussy too. Let's exchange recipes.
>
> 16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
>
> 17. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on
> my cat.
>
> 18. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
>
> 19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
>
> 20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
>
> 21. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
>
> 22. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
>
> 23. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
>
> 24. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
>
> 25. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
>
> 26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
>
> 27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
>
> 28. Better living through denial.
>
> 29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
>
> 30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
them.
>
> 31. Adult c***d of alien invaders.
>
> 32. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
>
> 33. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
>
> 34. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
>
> 35. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
>
> 36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
>
> 37. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
>
> 38. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
> asleep yet.
>
> 39. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
>
> 41. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
>
> 42. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
>
> 43. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
>
> 44. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.
>
> 45. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
>
> 46. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
>
> 47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
>
> 48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
>
> 49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
>
> 50. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
>
> 51. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
>
> 52. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
>
> 53. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
>
> 54. You look awful. Is that the style now?
>
> 55. I plead contemporary insanity.
>
> 56. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
>
> 57. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
>
> 58. It ain't the size, it's..... no wait -- it IS the size.
>
> 59. Meandering to a different drummer.
>
> 60. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.


types of sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"





LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a ther****t and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"




QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"




CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".





WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again;

you'll begin to think you're a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss
America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving k**s all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff..'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign .
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning,
when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
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The Zen of Sarcasm


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.



2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.



3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.



4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.




6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.




8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.



10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .



11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.



12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.



14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.



17. Duct tape is like 'The force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.



18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .



20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.



AND


22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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