CCG 2014 #1
Thoughts of an Unfaithful Girlfriend
BECAUSE SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST NEEDS MORE
January 2014
Start of a New Blog!
Hi, thanks for checking out my blog. I’m a 22 year old American college student. For the most part I’m pretty much your average college girl. I have friends at school, a family at home, and a boyfriend that I see nearly every day.
My reason for starting this blog is that I am a horrible girlfriend. I cheat on my boyfriend. The part I need help understanding is why he allows it to happen.
I starting reading other blogs, about girls in similar situations and they inspired me to put my thoughts down here, under the cover of anonymity, to help me figure out what this means for my relationship.
I look forward to talking with people and exploring. Everything is fair game to ask, but I reserve the right to politely decline to answer.
A Brief History
I already mentioned what this blog is going to be about, but I think it would be better served if I let you in on my situation a little more in depth…
I started dating my boyfriend during our senior year in high school. Before we dated, we were friends for a while, although after dating me for a while he told me that he had always wanted to be more. When we graduated high school, we were both excited to go to college together, as we had both been accepted at the same school a couple of hours away from our hometown. We were really happy together, and aside from the typical couples squabbles that happen on occasion, we were both in it for the long haul. I was pretty sure I was in love.
Then college came. Wow. What an experience. College is the most fun I have ever had. Not just the parties and football games, but everything. I had an absolute blast my freshman year in the dorms. The same atmosphere persisted through my sophomore and junior year. Now I am halfway through my senior year (doing my best to graduate in 4 years) and I am still having the time of my life here. That is what this blog will be about; my experiences in college, and depending on how much interest there is, maybe I’ll keep it going beyond that.
So anyway, back to the history… Of course, the college parties were awesome, as I nearly always got to drink for free, even being u******e, but there was more than that too. I love the atmosphere, the independence, the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Sometimes I hear that people who have very tight, restrictive upbringings go to college and turn in to a wild c***d. That wasn’t my case at all; my parents were never that strict, or overbearing. Looking back on it now, I would actually say that they were pretty cool, although my *********** self would probably argue with me on that. Anyway, my experience wasn’t so much “go off to college and go into crazy party mode” as it was, “go off to college and realize all the possibilities that life has to offer”.
I have met so many awesome people here. People from other parts of the country, and even around the world. I am sure I will be telling you about some of them more umm, intimately, throughout my stories.
Keep in mind that through my whole college career, I have had that same high school sweetheart by my side every day. He is a great guy, and he probably deserves better than what I’ve done to him…
The first time
I got a few asks from people curious about a few things when I logged on today. The first of which was about the first time I cheated. To be honest, the first time wasn’t all that scandalous…
The first time I cheated on my boyfriend was during our sophomore year in college. I went to a party with a group of girlfriends one weekend when my boyfriend was home for the weekend to help his parents move. The party was hosted by a few guys that were mutual friends of ours, and it was just a sort of come and go as you please thing.
The party was fun, and everybody was having a pretty good time and by the end of the night a lot of the girls I came with had already left. They asked me if I was ok, or if I wanted to leave with them, but I assured them that I was fine and that I would get home safe. I was left playing drinking games with two guys and two other girls I had never met before for probably close to 2 hours. Later I found out that they were friends of one of the guys that lived there, but that doesn’t really matter. Anyway, this guy - lets just call him Ryan - asked me for my number at the end of the night. I tried to explain to him that I was flattered, but I had a boyfriend. He was rather persistent, and insisted that it was just because he thought I was fun and wanted to hang out more often… After about a half hour or so of casual banter back and forth, we agreed on a compromise: he admitted that he had ulterior motives for asking for my number, and so I agreed to give it to him.
To this day, I don’t know why I did. I suppose that I liked knowing that guys found me attractive. Maybe it was because I was lonely for the weekend and was hoping he actually did just want to hang out. The drinking might have played a part. All of that considered, I think the biggest factor was his confidence. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, and kept asking. Not in an asshole-ish kind of way, but in a way that just screamed confidence and ease. I gave him my number, and he offered to walk me home. After too much booze and at like 1:30 in the morning, I actually think it would have been a stupid decision not to allow him to.
He walked me home, he said he had a great night, and he kissed me. I liked it. I let him. Then he just left. I went inside, changed clothes and got ready for bed. I had to stare at myself in the mirror for a while trying to figure out two things… Why I just let that happen, and why I liked it. I didn’t sleep that much that night.
Now, you may think that a kiss doesn’t constitute cheating, and at the time, my drunk self was right there with you, but in the morning I was embarrassed and somewhat ashamed and told myself that it would never happen again. I told myself that if I felt that way, then I must be in the wrong, therefore I considered it cheating.
And that was the first time. Like I said, not super scandalous, but I didn’t learn my lesson, the next time I saw Ryan things progressed further.
Ryan for real…
I mentioned the first time Ryan kissed me in my last post. I’ll start this one with my reaction afterwards…
The day after Ryan kissed me, I hated myself. I thought I was weak, and stupid, and drunk, and I made myself a promise that it would never happen again. I decided not to tell my bf anything, because I didn’t want to hurt him. I managed to move on and focus on school for a while until Ryan showed up in my life again.
It was probably about 3-4 weeks after the kiss night, and I was on campus attending classes. Between classes I sat down for lunch and I was reading a book and eating when I got a text. Ryan. He said he wanted to see me again. And then all at once I got a rush of those same feelings again: pride, shame, fear, excitement, curiosity… I let my phone sit there on the table while I ate, and tried to come up with a plan on how to turn him down.
By the time I finished, I had something worked out. I responded that I didn’t think it was a good idea to see him, because it hated myself for letting him kiss me, and it was a mistake. I sent off the text, and left, fully intending to have that be the last time I talked with him. I figure that when a girl tells a guy that seeing him is a mistake and makes her ashamed of herself, a guy should get the message, right? Well, Ryan is not like that. He sees it as a challenge I guess. Anyway, I was sitting in my afternoon biology class, and my phone goes off again, this time a call… I had to quickly turn off my phone without looking at who was calling. Yeh, I know, I’m the girl whose phone goes off in class, sorry about that.
After class, there is a voicemail, and a missed call, from Ryan, of course. I decided that there wouldn’t be any harm in listening to the voicemail - so I do. It basically said that he understood, and he was sorry, and he felt like he was in the wrong by kissing me, but he wouldn’t feel like a gentleman if I didn’t allow him to apologize face-to-face. Well then, that is a whole different scenario, now isn’t it? If he feels that way, then I probably shouldn’t be a bitch and not let him apologize, right?
So I decide to text him back and tell him I am leaving campus to head home, and if he wants to stop by and apologize, then he could, and we could shake hands and forget everything. I get home, and my roommate is away at work, and about an hour later he showed up and knocked on my door. I open the door, and see him and I swear, he looked even better than I remembered. He handed me some flowers, apology flowers, he said. I allowed him to come in and sit down, and we started talking about things. While I put the flowers in a vase.
We talked back and forth, and he laid on the charm… I totally bought it too. He told me he was sorry that I was upset, but he wasn’t sorry for kissing me. He told me he thought I was gorgeous. He told me he wanted me. He told me he didn’t care if I had a boyfriend, he wanted me. I didn’t know what to, I just sat there and listened, and must have turned seven different shades of red. This wasn’t how I saw this meeting going at all. And then, he hit me with the hammer… He told me that he thought the reason why I was upset wasn’t because he kissed me, I was upset because I liked it. Bam!
That was it, right there. He hit it right on the head. It was like an epiphany. I was mad at myself because I liked it. A lot.
He told me he was going to kiss me again. I didn’t stop him. I liked it again. I kissed back. He kept going for more, and I didn’t stop that either. I let him come back to my room, and that, my dear followers, was the first time I fucked a guy that wasn’t my boyfriend.
February 2014
An apology and some answers
Hey guys, sorry for the delay since my last post. I’ve been a little under the weather lately and rather than staying up and writing blog posts I have been sticking to the fluids and getting as much sleep as possible.
I would like to answer a few questions that you guys have sent me over the last week:
The first one was “what is your name?” I’m sure that I don’t want to give my whole name, but I do feel like it makes it more personal if you guys can talk to me by name. I guess that if I am already telling you about my sex life, I suppose knowing my name isn’t any worse… So here goes… A few posts back, I just signed with -C. But what the hell, this is a dirty blog.
My name is Courtney. There you go world. Now you know.
The second question I have been asked a few times was what was my boyfriends reaction when I told him that I cheated. I was planning on doing a long post about this, but haven’t sat down to do it yet. In summary, he was curious, and asked me a lot of stuff. It was totally not what I was expecting, and left me wondering what this all meant… Which lead (eventually) to me starting this blog. I’ll post longer on this I promise, but have a few more stories that I want to talk about before we get there to sort of set the stage. I hope you will all be patient enough to wait for it.
The last question that I’m going to answer is easy. A few people have asked me if I will ever post pictures on this blog. Well, the answer is yes and no, or maybe ;)
As of right now I have absolutely no plans to post anything of myself. However, I will definitely be willing to reblog or repost pictures that I find hot or relevant to what I’m talking about. Maybe in the future I will change my mind about the self pics, I guess I will have to see how this blog progresses, but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one.
Alright, I need some tea and a good non-class related book, and I will do my best to write more soon.
Courtney.
Cancelled Class? Better Update My Blog!
I got up and went to campus this morning, and when I got to my lecture hall there was a note on the door that my professor cancelled class. So I turned around and came home. I suppose that’s what I get for not checking my email before class. Oh well. I also thought that it must be a sign that the universe is mad at me for not doing a real blog post in over a week now. So I thought “what better opportunity to blog about me being a cheating slut than a cancelled class?”
The next big thing I want to tell you all about was what happened to Ryan and me after we “officially” cheated the first time.
So… After Ryan and I had sex the first time, we talked a few times about what just happened over the next couple of days. Basically we decided a few things:
1- I had no intention of leaving my boyfriend for him. He understood that.
2- We both liked the sex. A lot.
3- We both liked the idea of not telling anybody about what we had done. Discretion was key for both of us.
4- We both thought it was incredibly hot being bad.
5- We figured that we would both be ok with “us” becoming a FWB situation.
So that’s what we did. Over the next couple of months or so, that’s exactly what we were. We just sorta sent each other flirty texts once in a while, or agreed to both be at the same parties on occasion. I remember one time when my bf was working on a class project one night, and I was actually at his house with him. I got a text from Ryan asking if I wanted to go out, and I thought it would be naughty and fun, so I told my boyfriend that a girlfriend and I were going to go to see The Hangover 2 and let him work without any distractions, because I was just watching tv there anyway. He said that was fine, so I kissed him goodbye and got in my car to head home. I texted Ryan on my way home telling him to pick me up in 30 min and that we should go to the movie. He did, but we didn’t.
We ended up getting Thai food and going back to his apartment for about 6 hours that night. The sex was somehow even hotter knowing that I had left my boyfriend working on a project so I could go be bad. I never did see The Hangover 2. Which is fine, because I heard later that it was pretty much the same movie as the first one. It makes lying about seeing it pretty easy.
It was hot. It was wrong. It was a thrill for both of us.
It wasn’t like all the time though. I want to make that clear. I know there were a lot of times I told him no to meeting. If you cheat all the time, and you are trying to keep it a secret, there is probably no better way to get caught than doing it at every opportunity. Besides, not having it for a while, prolonging the times you don’t give in to temptation, make the times that you do that much sweeter and more thrilling. Believe it or not, there were times that Ryan turned me down too, for various reasons.
So this sort of FWB relationship went on for a good long time; probably like 6 months or so. Nobody ever found out. Not my boyfriend, not my friends, not even my best friend (who also happens to be my roommate). I was always very careful not to get caught. It actually surprises me how dumb (or greedy) you need to be to actually get caught cheating. I covered all my bases. Ben made sure to change Ryan’s number in my phone so that whenever he texted it would be from “Stacy” just in case I ever left my phone somewhere and my bf saw a text from Ryan. We had these “code words” that let each other know that we wanted to hook up. For example: when I wanted to meet up if would usually text “I need to go shopping soon” or he would ask me “do you have the notes for the bio lecture?” If anybody ever saw my texts they would think that Stacy and I were friends from class, nothing more. It never was a problem for me to hide my cheating.
It was always a hot thrill.
A New Year and a New Guy
The biggest thing I learned from cheating on my boyfriend with Ryan was to have confidence. I figured out that it is ok to be wanted. It is natural for a woman to feel like she is empowered, and boy did that ever grow in me. Fucking around with Ryan made me stronger, it gave me a power I had never felt before. I felt like I had power over guys, and I loved it.
The week before New Years Eve (not this last one, but the one before) I got invited to a NYE party at the house of a guy in one of my classmates. He is a pretty cool guy, we had worked together on a few things for various classes. He has the same major as me, so we had a bunch of the same classes together. Anyway, he invited me to come hang out at his house for a party, and told me that I should bring my boyfriend along too.
When I was done with class for the day, I called my bf, and told him about the invitation to the party. He seemed lukewarm to the idea, but said he would think about it. I didn’t know why he wouldn’t want to go, because it’s not like we had any other plans anyway. I let the topic go for a day or two, and then on the afternoon of New Year’s Eve, I reminded him of the party, and told him again that I wanted to go. He said no, he didn’t want to go. At first I thought it might be because he had other plans, but when I asked him what he wanted to do instead, he said he just wanted to stay in. Yeah, stay in. Can you believe that? I mean, I was a junior in college, not a 60 year old woman. Who stays in for New Years that doesn’t have k**s or something actually important to do the next day?
So, needless to say, that got me kind of angry at him. We had a typical stupid argument that all couples have occasionally, and it ended in me telling him I was going, and in didn’t care if he stayed in. He said he was fine with that. Maybe that was just to argue, maybe he really did want to stay in, I’m not sure. Regardless, I left, went home, and got ready to party.
I made sure I looked good. I wore a really tight pair of black pants and a purple V-neck sweater. I wanted to have fun, I remember looking at myself in the mirror that night, while I was doing my makeup, and I had this thought like “I can do whatever I want. He can’t tell me what to do. He hasn’t caught me yet, I’ll show him. I’m going to get laid tonight.”
So, I went to the party with the full intention of adding to my list of infidelities. It was fun, I felt like I was shopping for guys, or hunting them. I purposely ignored a few texts from my boyfriend. A few hours into the night I had made my decision… If my boyfriend wasn’t going to go to a party with me on New Years, then I would reward the guy that invited me. This was going to be tricky… Remember, he is a classmate, I see him almost every day. He is a decent guy. I didn’t know how he would react. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call him Tyler.
I went up to him as he was messing with his iPod, which was playing the music for the party. I thanked him for the invite, and he told me he was glad I came. I hugged him. Not like a quick friendly hug, but a “I’m really, really glad you invited me” kind of hug. What a rush. I got that evil thrill and feeling that I was being naughty. After the hug, I smiled at him and said “now that’s what I call a hug!” He laughed and agreed. I left it at that for a while, and left him to spend some time talking to a few other classmates he had invited. About 11:30 he saw me and came up to me again, and asked me where my boyfriend was. I pretended I couldn’t hear, because the music was too loud. He asked again, and I made the “can’t hear you” gesture by waving my hand past my ear a few times. He led me down the hall a bit where it was easier with his hand on the small of my back *swoon* and asked again where my boyfriend was. Bingo. This was it, I had him relatively alone and turned up the heat a bit. I answered him “he’s staying home tonight, being lame.” Then I leaned in to whisper in his ear “and I’m a bad girlfriend”. I left him again for a while, but I made sure to keep my eye on him the rest of the night from across the room. When our eyes would meet occasionally, I would give him a sexy little smile, or bite my lower lip, just to look vulnerable and available.
At like 2 am, the party was finally breaking up, and most people had gone home, including all but one of our mutual classmates. Tyler came up and thanked me for coming again, hugged me again and asked me if I wanted him to call me a cab to get me home. I said “nah, I was kinda hoping you might let me stay with you tonight.” Well, shocker - that was all the motivation he needed. He took me to his room and we went at it. Multiple times that night. It was so hot. I felt like I was in control, and I could get what I wanted. And he was good too, so that was a bonus.
I woke up January 1st in the bed of one of my classmates, and added another guy to the list of people I cheated on my boyfriend with.
Anonymous asked:
What is it , do you suppose, that makes the cheating sex so hot? Do you have any new adventures planned?
What makes cheating so hot? For me it’s the taboo, socially unacceptable nature of doing it. That, and the control and power that I feel when I cheat get me hot.
Do I have other adventures planned? I wouldn’t say I have plans specifically. But I have no intention of stopping now.
Anonymous asked:
What attracts you most to the guys you cheat with? Do you have a type? And do you do things with them you won't do with your bf?
Great question… I think I am most attracted to guys I have no business being with. When I was younger, my parents always tried to instill in me the idea that a man should be caring and tender, and support the woman he loves. Well… That is all well and good, but I find myself (particularly recently) attracted to the cocky, arrogant, impolite and uncaring guys. I don’t know why, but the thought that they could care less about me, and are essentially using me really gets me hot. So I guess that would be my type. At least for the time being.
Yes, I have done some things with guys that my bf never gets to try. I like it when they don’t ask, and just take…
Anonymous asked:
Did you encounter feelings of guilt? Is it ongoing? How do/did you address that? In my case, I feel it but justify decisions based on inadequacy of an otherwise good relationship rather than say...a biological/evolution justification
Yes, totally. I had huge feelings of guild when I first started, but it became less and less guilt and more and more about personal confidence. I wouldnt say that there is any sort of inadequacy in my relationship with my bf really… except perhaps a small element of boredom.
Anonymous asked:
Hey! I see you're a fan of Curious Cuckold Couple (and of course you are, they're lovely). I was just wondering if it was a similar thing for you as it is for H with her ex? Are you into size, stamina, personality... I guess I'm just asking what it is that motivates you to be unfaithful.
Of course I love those two. I really admire that they are both in the relationship together. Is something I might like to explore too, but for now, this blog is between me and my followers. No bf here.
i think at this point it’s mostly a personality thing for me with guys now. Don’t get me wrong, size helps too, but I have a real weakness right now for the cavalier attitude and takes what he wants sort of guy.
Wait, his friend? Yeah, that happened.
Late last winter I was invited to go on a long weekend snowboard/ski trip in the mountains with my boyfriend and a bunch of his friends of his from his classes. I thought it sounded like an awesome time with cool people, and so even though I didn’t ski or snowboard, I agreed to go. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that I didn’t want to be the one girl that sits at the condo and doesn’t do anything while everybody else is out on the mountain, so I decided that I would suck it up and try snowboarding for the first time. I have skied a few times in my life, but I’m not “good” by any means. I decided I wanted to try snowboarding this time though.
So, when we finally get up to the condo after a stupid amount of time on the highway sitting in traffic, and we are all pretty excited for the weekend, and having fun getting to catch up with old friends, and meeting some people we hadn’t met yet. It was really a pretty good time.
There were 8 of us there, 2 couples (myself and bf included) 3 single guys and 1 single girl. Of the group, I was one of three snowboarders, including one of the single guys, and one of the other girls. My boyfriend and the other 4 were all skiers. We had all kinds of experience levels too, all the way from really good skiers, down to… Well, me, who was a first time snowboarder. I was a little nervous to try, but the other two snowboarders assured me that it was easy to learn, and promised to teach me.
So, the first day on the slopes, and we all got on the lift together, but at the top, we all decided that it was probably in everybody’s best interest to split up based on experience level so that nobody held anybody back. I kissed my bf goodbye, and told him I’d catch up with him that evening.
So the two other snowboarders (Jessica and Brandon) stayed with me to teach me to snowboard. Let me just start by saying that I suck at snowboarding. I fell a ton, I was agonizingly slow. Brandon was awesome, and stayed with me the whole morning, trying to teach me, helping me up, giving me pointers, just being a good guy. Jess wasn’t really all that thrilled with the pace, and after about 2 hours of trying, she asked me if I would be upset if she split off. Of course I said no problem, and she left Brandon and I to ourselves.
As soon as Jess left, I had evil ideas… I wanted to thank Brandon for teaching me, and at the same time, I was so tired that I didn’t have much energy left after about noon. So I started doing what any cheating bitch does when she wants some… I started flirting. I started needing to hold onto him more, his shoulder, his hand… I “accidentally” fell into his arms a few times… I made jokes about how “my ass was going to be so sore, but not in the good way”. He laughed, and started playing along a bit.
Finally, on the lift with him the last time, I said “I’m so tired, I just want to go back to the condo, take a few shots and have sex”. He laughed again, and told me that I’d have to wait for my bf to get back from the mountain. I said “who said anything about my boyfriend?” He asked me if I was serious, and I told him that I wouldn’t tell if he didn’t. He just smirked. We made it back to the condo in what was record time for me, and by the time I got there, I was already pretty horny. We were the first ones back, and he practically tore off my clothes. It was so hot. He wasn’t like any guy I’d ever been with. He was a completely different guy than the sweet, understanding snowboard teacher he was that morning. He was rough, took charge, didn’t ask me what I wanted, and just took what he did. I loved it. It made me feel like I was being used, like I was a toy, and it was by far the hottest sex I’d ever had.
When we finished, I reminded him again, don’t tell anybody, and I wouldn’t either. I told him if he wanted, (and I was secretly hoping) maybe it could become a regular thing. He seemed to like that idea. And that’s what happened. I’ve need with Brandon quite a few times since then, and it’s always really hot.
The other people on the trip started coming back to he condo after a while, and nobody was any the wiser.
March 2014
My Boyfriend Finds Out
Ok, so I have decided that Ive made you all wait long enough, and that I should tell you guys how exactly it came about that my boyfriend found out about my cheating on him, so that what this post is going to be about. But first, a little more background.
I first cheated on my boyfriend with Ryan during my sophomore year in college. Just about two and a half years ago now. Then came Tyler and Brandon too over the course of the next year and a half. I detailed my first times with each of those guys, but I didn’t really go into a lot of detail about subsequent times. Partly because I really want this blog to get caught up with “real time” so I can talk about and tell stories that are current, as opposed to stuff that happened a year or more ago. So, I will just say that with each of those guys, the first time I was with them wasn’t the last. I had a few more flings with each of them. Quite a few times with Ryan at first, then 3 or 4 times with Tyler on days we were both bored between classes or something, and then again quite a few times with Brandon too whenever we could sneak around.
So… How did my bf find out about me cheating?
Well, back in November of last year I was actually out with my boyfriend in the mall shopping for something for a gift for his sister. My phone kept getting text messages, and I would look at it, and it was Brandon, the same guy from the ski condo that I had hooked up with, and who is sorta friends with my bf… Well, he had an idea of what he wanted that night, but I already had plans with my bf, so I told him no. Well, he didn’t really agree with that decision and kept texting, trying to convince me otherwise. My phone was going off every 3 or 4 min, with another reason why I should meet up with him, or cancel my plans, or whatever.
Eventually, my boyfriend asked me who kept texting me, and, so, of course I lied and told him it was just some drama with a girlfriend. Usually that works to get guys uninterested. He seemed pretty indifferent to the whole situation, but rather than risk anything I decided to put my phone on silent and put it back in my purse for the rest of the time at the mall. We bought the gift for his sister and went back to my apartment to make dinner. Well, when I got home, I looked at my phone again, and saw a text that forever changed my relationship with my boyfriend. It was from Brandon again, and it just said “I’m coming over”.
I was floored, I had no idea what to do. In a bit of a panic, I took my phone and ran upstairs and locked myself in my bathroom. I felt like I was in a bad dream. I felt trapped. I tried to call Brandon, but he didn’t answer. What made it even worse was that he had sent the text about 20 min earlier, when my phone was on silent. I thought I was being sly by not having my phone ring with every text when my bf was there, but then I didn’t realize when I got one either. Had I seen it before, I would have gone somewhere else, anywhere would have been better than my apartment at that time. I was so angry at myself for being so stupid as to mess this up when I was doing so well keeping everything hidden from my bf.
My doorbell rang. I panicked again, and started crying a little. I basically knew it was going to be all over. And what’s worse was that I knew I deserved what was about to happen. The guilt was overwhelming, and then to make matters even worse, I hear my bf yell up the stairs that he was going to answer the door… lovely. I heard him answer the door, and I heard him let Brandon in, although I’m sure there was confusion on both of their parts as to why the other was there. I slowly came over to the top of the stairs, just in time to hear my boyfriend ask Brandon why he was there. And then, of course, Brandon says “Courtney invited me”.
That was about all I could handle, and started crying again. I felt like I was on fire, and like I was 3 inches tall. I knew everything was about to come crashing down. I slowly slinked down the stairs and saw the two of them in the kitchen. It took just about all the control I had to muster up the ability to tell Brandon that I wanted him to leave. It was obvious that I had been crying. Brandon at first tried to argue. I don’t know why… I think that he maybe had some idea that we could keep hiding it, but I had this feeling that any new lie at this point would be blatantly transparent. I told him to leave again, and finally he did.
I sat down on the couch, and my boyfriend stared at me. He asked me if I knew what that was all about. I didn’t answer. He asked me why I was crying, and I didn’t answer. He asked me why I invited Brandon over, and I told him that I didn’t, so then he asked me why Brandon would think he could just come over, and again, I didn’t answer. I didn’t have another option. I couldn’t think of any other possible explanation why his friend showing up at my apartment would make me cry. He asked me again why the hell Brandon would come over, and I broke down and said “because I think he wanted to have sex with me”
He just stared again. He was quiet. I was almost hoping that he would just yell at me, scream about what a bitch I was, and how he deserved better - because that was all true, and that’s what I deserved. But he was quiet. I never came out and said anything specific, but he is a pretty smart guy, he can but two and two together. Eventually, he just picked up his keys, and left. I thought for sure that it was going to be the last time I saw him. I was positive that he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore.
I spent the next half hour or so thinking about all the terrible things that I had done to him, and how I deserved him leaving me. I thought of all the terrible things he could tell our mutual friends, or worse yet, my family. I even tried to call him, in some desperate attempt to apologize, but he wouldn’t answer. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days, but when I did, it wasn’t anything like I pictured it would be.
On my next post, I’ll tell you guys more about his reaction, and what happened next. Then from there, this blog will be more about my relationship going forward, rather than a history of things I have done.
As for now, it’s late, and I have a test tomorrow, so I need to study a bit before bed. I’ll be back soon!
My Boyfriend’s Reaction
I was a wreck for three days. My boyfriend had just found out that I had been hiding secrets from him. Brandon had come over to my apartment unannounced, and my boyfriend had been there at the time.
I had tried to call him a few times, with him not answering. I was pretty sure that he was so angry at me that he wouldn’t ever talk to me again. That’s not what I wanted at all, because I do care a lot for him.
So, three days later, he actually called me. He told me he wanted to talk, and he asked me if he could come over to my place. I told him that my roommate was over, so rather than talk (and fight) in front of her, we decided that I would go to his place. The drive over was pretty heartbreaking for me. It felt the whole time like I had a giant lump in my throat, and I didn’t know how things were going to happen. My palms were sweaty, I was biting my nails, and I debated with myself whether I should come clean and tell him everything, or double down on the lies and hiding. By the time I got there, I was pretty sure I would see what his reaction would be, and then base my decision on his feelings. I walked into his place pretty much sure that is would be the day he would dump me for real.
He was pretty calm. He asked me to sit down on the couch, and even offered me a drink. I have no idea why I said no. A glass of water would have probably helped out with my ability to speak, and a shot of alcohol would have calmed the nerves. I didn’t ask what kind of drink he was offering, I just declined right away. Probably a poor decision, but I didn’t really think about it at the time.
He sat down, and just said, “ok, tell me what happened with Brandon, and be honest”
Well shit… That didn’t give me much to go on as far as my course of action. If I tell him the truth, he dumps me, if I lie, he sees through it and dumps me… My boyfriend had always been caring, and helpful, and an all around good guy to me. I made the decision to tell him the truth. Everything.
I told him Brandon had come over to my apartment that night to have sex. He asked why, I told him that we had been hooking up for a few months behind his back, ever since that ski/snowboard trip. I told him I was sorry, I was a terrible girlfriend and he deserved much better than me. He didn’t say a word, just stared at me. I had that same 3 inch tall feeling again. He wouldn’t talk, just stared. I could hardly look at him, I was so ashamed. I told him it was ok if he was mad, I told him I understood if he didn’t want to be with me ever again. After what seemed like an hour he finally said something.
“Was he the only guy?”
Ughhhh…. This honesty thing was going to be the end of me…
I told him no. I told him about how it started, that party so long before where I met Ryan. I told him about between class flings with Tyler, and about how Brandon wouldn’t take no for an answer on more than one occasion. I expected that to be it. I expected him to tell me that he never wanted to see me again. I expected him to tell me to get out. He did neither. Just sat there, silent. I shut up eventually, and just sat there, trying not to cry, hoping he would just tell me to leave so he could get on with his life and I could avoid looking at his eyes any further.
And then he asked me the one single question that changed everything again. It changed our relationship from that point on completely, it changed my attitude about my own cheating, it changed his feelings toward his high school sweetheart, and ultimately, it led to my decision to create this very blog.
He asked me “How was it?”
That was probably the most shocked I have ever been. No screaming? No yelling? No breaking things or telling me what a bitch I was? He wanted to know how the sex was? For real?!?
I was confused, but told him again… Ryan was charming and sweet, and started me down the path. Tyler was me wanting to be bad, but more of a casual fuck buddy. Brandon started as as a challenge to myself, but ended up being him taking, and me giving, more and more willingly.
He asked me if I liked it every time. Again, I was honest… Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was just OK, sometimes it was unbelievably hot. He was curious, and I was confused as to why he wasn’t more upset… For the next hour or so, I went into pretty extensive detail with him about my exploits. At the end he said “wow Courtney, I had no idea. That’s pretty hot”
Hot? Really? Now my confusion was turning into more curiosity… Why did he think that was hot? I’m not going to go into too much detail about his feelings, because they are for him to share, but suffice it to say that he saw me in a whole new light. He seemed to love the idea that his longtime girlfriend and high school sweetheart had a hidden side. He thought it was hot that I was confident enough to try to hook up with multiple guys. He even told me he had no plans to break up with me, as long as I promised to be honest with him from then on. I eagerly took him up on the chance. I had sex with him that night, and to be honest, it was probably the best sex we have ever had.
That conversation was the driving force behind me starting this blog. I started researching things on the internet, things about cheating girlfriends and the idea of infidelity being a turn on. I found blogs, mostly here on Tumblr that talk about this kind of stuff, and decided to start my own.
And then here we are followers… That is my story in a nutshell. From here on out, everything will be about how our relationship evolves from here. I’d really like to hear your thoughts and comments. It gives me some indication that people are reading this with actual interest, and that the effort to write this down isn’t all for nothing.
Let me know where I should take this from here… I’m new, I don’t know what to do in a situation like this, or how far I can take it. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Courtney.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST NEEDS MORE
January 2014
Start of a New Blog!
Hi, thanks for checking out my blog. I’m a 22 year old American college student. For the most part I’m pretty much your average college girl. I have friends at school, a family at home, and a boyfriend that I see nearly every day.
My reason for starting this blog is that I am a horrible girlfriend. I cheat on my boyfriend. The part I need help understanding is why he allows it to happen.
I starting reading other blogs, about girls in similar situations and they inspired me to put my thoughts down here, under the cover of anonymity, to help me figure out what this means for my relationship.
I look forward to talking with people and exploring. Everything is fair game to ask, but I reserve the right to politely decline to answer.
A Brief History
I already mentioned what this blog is going to be about, but I think it would be better served if I let you in on my situation a little more in depth…
I started dating my boyfriend during our senior year in high school. Before we dated, we were friends for a while, although after dating me for a while he told me that he had always wanted to be more. When we graduated high school, we were both excited to go to college together, as we had both been accepted at the same school a couple of hours away from our hometown. We were really happy together, and aside from the typical couples squabbles that happen on occasion, we were both in it for the long haul. I was pretty sure I was in love.
Then college came. Wow. What an experience. College is the most fun I have ever had. Not just the parties and football games, but everything. I had an absolute blast my freshman year in the dorms. The same atmosphere persisted through my sophomore and junior year. Now I am halfway through my senior year (doing my best to graduate in 4 years) and I am still having the time of my life here. That is what this blog will be about; my experiences in college, and depending on how much interest there is, maybe I’ll keep it going beyond that.
So anyway, back to the history… Of course, the college parties were awesome, as I nearly always got to drink for free, even being u******e, but there was more than that too. I love the atmosphere, the independence, the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Sometimes I hear that people who have very tight, restrictive upbringings go to college and turn in to a wild c***d. That wasn’t my case at all; my parents were never that strict, or overbearing. Looking back on it now, I would actually say that they were pretty cool, although my *********** self would probably argue with me on that. Anyway, my experience wasn’t so much “go off to college and go into crazy party mode” as it was, “go off to college and realize all the possibilities that life has to offer”.
I have met so many awesome people here. People from other parts of the country, and even around the world. I am sure I will be telling you about some of them more umm, intimately, throughout my stories.
Keep in mind that through my whole college career, I have had that same high school sweetheart by my side every day. He is a great guy, and he probably deserves better than what I’ve done to him…
The first time
I got a few asks from people curious about a few things when I logged on today. The first of which was about the first time I cheated. To be honest, the first time wasn’t all that scandalous…
The first time I cheated on my boyfriend was during our sophomore year in college. I went to a party with a group of girlfriends one weekend when my boyfriend was home for the weekend to help his parents move. The party was hosted by a few guys that were mutual friends of ours, and it was just a sort of come and go as you please thing.
The party was fun, and everybody was having a pretty good time and by the end of the night a lot of the girls I came with had already left. They asked me if I was ok, or if I wanted to leave with them, but I assured them that I was fine and that I would get home safe. I was left playing drinking games with two guys and two other girls I had never met before for probably close to 2 hours. Later I found out that they were friends of one of the guys that lived there, but that doesn’t really matter. Anyway, this guy - lets just call him Ryan - asked me for my number at the end of the night. I tried to explain to him that I was flattered, but I had a boyfriend. He was rather persistent, and insisted that it was just because he thought I was fun and wanted to hang out more often… After about a half hour or so of casual banter back and forth, we agreed on a compromise: he admitted that he had ulterior motives for asking for my number, and so I agreed to give it to him.
To this day, I don’t know why I did. I suppose that I liked knowing that guys found me attractive. Maybe it was because I was lonely for the weekend and was hoping he actually did just want to hang out. The drinking might have played a part. All of that considered, I think the biggest factor was his confidence. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, and kept asking. Not in an asshole-ish kind of way, but in a way that just screamed confidence and ease. I gave him my number, and he offered to walk me home. After too much booze and at like 1:30 in the morning, I actually think it would have been a stupid decision not to allow him to.
He walked me home, he said he had a great night, and he kissed me. I liked it. I let him. Then he just left. I went inside, changed clothes and got ready for bed. I had to stare at myself in the mirror for a while trying to figure out two things… Why I just let that happen, and why I liked it. I didn’t sleep that much that night.
Now, you may think that a kiss doesn’t constitute cheating, and at the time, my drunk self was right there with you, but in the morning I was embarrassed and somewhat ashamed and told myself that it would never happen again. I told myself that if I felt that way, then I must be in the wrong, therefore I considered it cheating.
And that was the first time. Like I said, not super scandalous, but I didn’t learn my lesson, the next time I saw Ryan things progressed further.
Ryan for real…
I mentioned the first time Ryan kissed me in my last post. I’ll start this one with my reaction afterwards…
The day after Ryan kissed me, I hated myself. I thought I was weak, and stupid, and drunk, and I made myself a promise that it would never happen again. I decided not to tell my bf anything, because I didn’t want to hurt him. I managed to move on and focus on school for a while until Ryan showed up in my life again.
It was probably about 3-4 weeks after the kiss night, and I was on campus attending classes. Between classes I sat down for lunch and I was reading a book and eating when I got a text. Ryan. He said he wanted to see me again. And then all at once I got a rush of those same feelings again: pride, shame, fear, excitement, curiosity… I let my phone sit there on the table while I ate, and tried to come up with a plan on how to turn him down.
By the time I finished, I had something worked out. I responded that I didn’t think it was a good idea to see him, because it hated myself for letting him kiss me, and it was a mistake. I sent off the text, and left, fully intending to have that be the last time I talked with him. I figure that when a girl tells a guy that seeing him is a mistake and makes her ashamed of herself, a guy should get the message, right? Well, Ryan is not like that. He sees it as a challenge I guess. Anyway, I was sitting in my afternoon biology class, and my phone goes off again, this time a call… I had to quickly turn off my phone without looking at who was calling. Yeh, I know, I’m the girl whose phone goes off in class, sorry about that.
After class, there is a voicemail, and a missed call, from Ryan, of course. I decided that there wouldn’t be any harm in listening to the voicemail - so I do. It basically said that he understood, and he was sorry, and he felt like he was in the wrong by kissing me, but he wouldn’t feel like a gentleman if I didn’t allow him to apologize face-to-face. Well then, that is a whole different scenario, now isn’t it? If he feels that way, then I probably shouldn’t be a bitch and not let him apologize, right?
So I decide to text him back and tell him I am leaving campus to head home, and if he wants to stop by and apologize, then he could, and we could shake hands and forget everything. I get home, and my roommate is away at work, and about an hour later he showed up and knocked on my door. I open the door, and see him and I swear, he looked even better than I remembered. He handed me some flowers, apology flowers, he said. I allowed him to come in and sit down, and we started talking about things. While I put the flowers in a vase.
We talked back and forth, and he laid on the charm… I totally bought it too. He told me he was sorry that I was upset, but he wasn’t sorry for kissing me. He told me he thought I was gorgeous. He told me he wanted me. He told me he didn’t care if I had a boyfriend, he wanted me. I didn’t know what to, I just sat there and listened, and must have turned seven different shades of red. This wasn’t how I saw this meeting going at all. And then, he hit me with the hammer… He told me that he thought the reason why I was upset wasn’t because he kissed me, I was upset because I liked it. Bam!
That was it, right there. He hit it right on the head. It was like an epiphany. I was mad at myself because I liked it. A lot.
He told me he was going to kiss me again. I didn’t stop him. I liked it again. I kissed back. He kept going for more, and I didn’t stop that either. I let him come back to my room, and that, my dear followers, was the first time I fucked a guy that wasn’t my boyfriend.
February 2014
An apology and some answers
Hey guys, sorry for the delay since my last post. I’ve been a little under the weather lately and rather than staying up and writing blog posts I have been sticking to the fluids and getting as much sleep as possible.
I would like to answer a few questions that you guys have sent me over the last week:
The first one was “what is your name?” I’m sure that I don’t want to give my whole name, but I do feel like it makes it more personal if you guys can talk to me by name. I guess that if I am already telling you about my sex life, I suppose knowing my name isn’t any worse… So here goes… A few posts back, I just signed with -C. But what the hell, this is a dirty blog.
My name is Courtney. There you go world. Now you know.
The second question I have been asked a few times was what was my boyfriends reaction when I told him that I cheated. I was planning on doing a long post about this, but haven’t sat down to do it yet. In summary, he was curious, and asked me a lot of stuff. It was totally not what I was expecting, and left me wondering what this all meant… Which lead (eventually) to me starting this blog. I’ll post longer on this I promise, but have a few more stories that I want to talk about before we get there to sort of set the stage. I hope you will all be patient enough to wait for it.
The last question that I’m going to answer is easy. A few people have asked me if I will ever post pictures on this blog. Well, the answer is yes and no, or maybe ;)
As of right now I have absolutely no plans to post anything of myself. However, I will definitely be willing to reblog or repost pictures that I find hot or relevant to what I’m talking about. Maybe in the future I will change my mind about the self pics, I guess I will have to see how this blog progresses, but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one.
Alright, I need some tea and a good non-class related book, and I will do my best to write more soon.
Courtney.
Cancelled Class? Better Update My Blog!
I got up and went to campus this morning, and when I got to my lecture hall there was a note on the door that my professor cancelled class. So I turned around and came home. I suppose that’s what I get for not checking my email before class. Oh well. I also thought that it must be a sign that the universe is mad at me for not doing a real blog post in over a week now. So I thought “what better opportunity to blog about me being a cheating slut than a cancelled class?”
The next big thing I want to tell you all about was what happened to Ryan and me after we “officially” cheated the first time.
So… After Ryan and I had sex the first time, we talked a few times about what just happened over the next couple of days. Basically we decided a few things:
1- I had no intention of leaving my boyfriend for him. He understood that.
2- We both liked the sex. A lot.
3- We both liked the idea of not telling anybody about what we had done. Discretion was key for both of us.
4- We both thought it was incredibly hot being bad.
5- We figured that we would both be ok with “us” becoming a FWB situation.
So that’s what we did. Over the next couple of months or so, that’s exactly what we were. We just sorta sent each other flirty texts once in a while, or agreed to both be at the same parties on occasion. I remember one time when my bf was working on a class project one night, and I was actually at his house with him. I got a text from Ryan asking if I wanted to go out, and I thought it would be naughty and fun, so I told my boyfriend that a girlfriend and I were going to go to see The Hangover 2 and let him work without any distractions, because I was just watching tv there anyway. He said that was fine, so I kissed him goodbye and got in my car to head home. I texted Ryan on my way home telling him to pick me up in 30 min and that we should go to the movie. He did, but we didn’t.
We ended up getting Thai food and going back to his apartment for about 6 hours that night. The sex was somehow even hotter knowing that I had left my boyfriend working on a project so I could go be bad. I never did see The Hangover 2. Which is fine, because I heard later that it was pretty much the same movie as the first one. It makes lying about seeing it pretty easy.
It was hot. It was wrong. It was a thrill for both of us.
It wasn’t like all the time though. I want to make that clear. I know there were a lot of times I told him no to meeting. If you cheat all the time, and you are trying to keep it a secret, there is probably no better way to get caught than doing it at every opportunity. Besides, not having it for a while, prolonging the times you don’t give in to temptation, make the times that you do that much sweeter and more thrilling. Believe it or not, there were times that Ryan turned me down too, for various reasons.
So this sort of FWB relationship went on for a good long time; probably like 6 months or so. Nobody ever found out. Not my boyfriend, not my friends, not even my best friend (who also happens to be my roommate). I was always very careful not to get caught. It actually surprises me how dumb (or greedy) you need to be to actually get caught cheating. I covered all my bases. Ben made sure to change Ryan’s number in my phone so that whenever he texted it would be from “Stacy” just in case I ever left my phone somewhere and my bf saw a text from Ryan. We had these “code words” that let each other know that we wanted to hook up. For example: when I wanted to meet up if would usually text “I need to go shopping soon” or he would ask me “do you have the notes for the bio lecture?” If anybody ever saw my texts they would think that Stacy and I were friends from class, nothing more. It never was a problem for me to hide my cheating.
It was always a hot thrill.
A New Year and a New Guy
The biggest thing I learned from cheating on my boyfriend with Ryan was to have confidence. I figured out that it is ok to be wanted. It is natural for a woman to feel like she is empowered, and boy did that ever grow in me. Fucking around with Ryan made me stronger, it gave me a power I had never felt before. I felt like I had power over guys, and I loved it.
The week before New Years Eve (not this last one, but the one before) I got invited to a NYE party at the house of a guy in one of my classmates. He is a pretty cool guy, we had worked together on a few things for various classes. He has the same major as me, so we had a bunch of the same classes together. Anyway, he invited me to come hang out at his house for a party, and told me that I should bring my boyfriend along too.
When I was done with class for the day, I called my bf, and told him about the invitation to the party. He seemed lukewarm to the idea, but said he would think about it. I didn’t know why he wouldn’t want to go, because it’s not like we had any other plans anyway. I let the topic go for a day or two, and then on the afternoon of New Year’s Eve, I reminded him of the party, and told him again that I wanted to go. He said no, he didn’t want to go. At first I thought it might be because he had other plans, but when I asked him what he wanted to do instead, he said he just wanted to stay in. Yeah, stay in. Can you believe that? I mean, I was a junior in college, not a 60 year old woman. Who stays in for New Years that doesn’t have k**s or something actually important to do the next day?
So, needless to say, that got me kind of angry at him. We had a typical stupid argument that all couples have occasionally, and it ended in me telling him I was going, and in didn’t care if he stayed in. He said he was fine with that. Maybe that was just to argue, maybe he really did want to stay in, I’m not sure. Regardless, I left, went home, and got ready to party.
I made sure I looked good. I wore a really tight pair of black pants and a purple V-neck sweater. I wanted to have fun, I remember looking at myself in the mirror that night, while I was doing my makeup, and I had this thought like “I can do whatever I want. He can’t tell me what to do. He hasn’t caught me yet, I’ll show him. I’m going to get laid tonight.”
So, I went to the party with the full intention of adding to my list of infidelities. It was fun, I felt like I was shopping for guys, or hunting them. I purposely ignored a few texts from my boyfriend. A few hours into the night I had made my decision… If my boyfriend wasn’t going to go to a party with me on New Years, then I would reward the guy that invited me. This was going to be tricky… Remember, he is a classmate, I see him almost every day. He is a decent guy. I didn’t know how he would react. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call him Tyler.
I went up to him as he was messing with his iPod, which was playing the music for the party. I thanked him for the invite, and he told me he was glad I came. I hugged him. Not like a quick friendly hug, but a “I’m really, really glad you invited me” kind of hug. What a rush. I got that evil thrill and feeling that I was being naughty. After the hug, I smiled at him and said “now that’s what I call a hug!” He laughed and agreed. I left it at that for a while, and left him to spend some time talking to a few other classmates he had invited. About 11:30 he saw me and came up to me again, and asked me where my boyfriend was. I pretended I couldn’t hear, because the music was too loud. He asked again, and I made the “can’t hear you” gesture by waving my hand past my ear a few times. He led me down the hall a bit where it was easier with his hand on the small of my back *swoon* and asked again where my boyfriend was. Bingo. This was it, I had him relatively alone and turned up the heat a bit. I answered him “he’s staying home tonight, being lame.” Then I leaned in to whisper in his ear “and I’m a bad girlfriend”. I left him again for a while, but I made sure to keep my eye on him the rest of the night from across the room. When our eyes would meet occasionally, I would give him a sexy little smile, or bite my lower lip, just to look vulnerable and available.
At like 2 am, the party was finally breaking up, and most people had gone home, including all but one of our mutual classmates. Tyler came up and thanked me for coming again, hugged me again and asked me if I wanted him to call me a cab to get me home. I said “nah, I was kinda hoping you might let me stay with you tonight.” Well, shocker - that was all the motivation he needed. He took me to his room and we went at it. Multiple times that night. It was so hot. I felt like I was in control, and I could get what I wanted. And he was good too, so that was a bonus.
I woke up January 1st in the bed of one of my classmates, and added another guy to the list of people I cheated on my boyfriend with.
Anonymous asked:
What is it , do you suppose, that makes the cheating sex so hot? Do you have any new adventures planned?
What makes cheating so hot? For me it’s the taboo, socially unacceptable nature of doing it. That, and the control and power that I feel when I cheat get me hot.
Do I have other adventures planned? I wouldn’t say I have plans specifically. But I have no intention of stopping now.
Anonymous asked:
What attracts you most to the guys you cheat with? Do you have a type? And do you do things with them you won't do with your bf?
Great question… I think I am most attracted to guys I have no business being with. When I was younger, my parents always tried to instill in me the idea that a man should be caring and tender, and support the woman he loves. Well… That is all well and good, but I find myself (particularly recently) attracted to the cocky, arrogant, impolite and uncaring guys. I don’t know why, but the thought that they could care less about me, and are essentially using me really gets me hot. So I guess that would be my type. At least for the time being.
Yes, I have done some things with guys that my bf never gets to try. I like it when they don’t ask, and just take…
Anonymous asked:
Did you encounter feelings of guilt? Is it ongoing? How do/did you address that? In my case, I feel it but justify decisions based on inadequacy of an otherwise good relationship rather than say...a biological/evolution justification
Yes, totally. I had huge feelings of guild when I first started, but it became less and less guilt and more and more about personal confidence. I wouldnt say that there is any sort of inadequacy in my relationship with my bf really… except perhaps a small element of boredom.
Anonymous asked:
Hey! I see you're a fan of Curious Cuckold Couple (and of course you are, they're lovely). I was just wondering if it was a similar thing for you as it is for H with her ex? Are you into size, stamina, personality... I guess I'm just asking what it is that motivates you to be unfaithful.
Of course I love those two. I really admire that they are both in the relationship together. Is something I might like to explore too, but for now, this blog is between me and my followers. No bf here.
i think at this point it’s mostly a personality thing for me with guys now. Don’t get me wrong, size helps too, but I have a real weakness right now for the cavalier attitude and takes what he wants sort of guy.
Wait, his friend? Yeah, that happened.
Late last winter I was invited to go on a long weekend snowboard/ski trip in the mountains with my boyfriend and a bunch of his friends of his from his classes. I thought it sounded like an awesome time with cool people, and so even though I didn’t ski or snowboard, I agreed to go. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that I didn’t want to be the one girl that sits at the condo and doesn’t do anything while everybody else is out on the mountain, so I decided that I would suck it up and try snowboarding for the first time. I have skied a few times in my life, but I’m not “good” by any means. I decided I wanted to try snowboarding this time though.
So, when we finally get up to the condo after a stupid amount of time on the highway sitting in traffic, and we are all pretty excited for the weekend, and having fun getting to catch up with old friends, and meeting some people we hadn’t met yet. It was really a pretty good time.
There were 8 of us there, 2 couples (myself and bf included) 3 single guys and 1 single girl. Of the group, I was one of three snowboarders, including one of the single guys, and one of the other girls. My boyfriend and the other 4 were all skiers. We had all kinds of experience levels too, all the way from really good skiers, down to… Well, me, who was a first time snowboarder. I was a little nervous to try, but the other two snowboarders assured me that it was easy to learn, and promised to teach me.
So, the first day on the slopes, and we all got on the lift together, but at the top, we all decided that it was probably in everybody’s best interest to split up based on experience level so that nobody held anybody back. I kissed my bf goodbye, and told him I’d catch up with him that evening.
So the two other snowboarders (Jessica and Brandon) stayed with me to teach me to snowboard. Let me just start by saying that I suck at snowboarding. I fell a ton, I was agonizingly slow. Brandon was awesome, and stayed with me the whole morning, trying to teach me, helping me up, giving me pointers, just being a good guy. Jess wasn’t really all that thrilled with the pace, and after about 2 hours of trying, she asked me if I would be upset if she split off. Of course I said no problem, and she left Brandon and I to ourselves.
As soon as Jess left, I had evil ideas… I wanted to thank Brandon for teaching me, and at the same time, I was so tired that I didn’t have much energy left after about noon. So I started doing what any cheating bitch does when she wants some… I started flirting. I started needing to hold onto him more, his shoulder, his hand… I “accidentally” fell into his arms a few times… I made jokes about how “my ass was going to be so sore, but not in the good way”. He laughed, and started playing along a bit.
Finally, on the lift with him the last time, I said “I’m so tired, I just want to go back to the condo, take a few shots and have sex”. He laughed again, and told me that I’d have to wait for my bf to get back from the mountain. I said “who said anything about my boyfriend?” He asked me if I was serious, and I told him that I wouldn’t tell if he didn’t. He just smirked. We made it back to the condo in what was record time for me, and by the time I got there, I was already pretty horny. We were the first ones back, and he practically tore off my clothes. It was so hot. He wasn’t like any guy I’d ever been with. He was a completely different guy than the sweet, understanding snowboard teacher he was that morning. He was rough, took charge, didn’t ask me what I wanted, and just took what he did. I loved it. It made me feel like I was being used, like I was a toy, and it was by far the hottest sex I’d ever had.
When we finished, I reminded him again, don’t tell anybody, and I wouldn’t either. I told him if he wanted, (and I was secretly hoping) maybe it could become a regular thing. He seemed to like that idea. And that’s what happened. I’ve need with Brandon quite a few times since then, and it’s always really hot.
The other people on the trip started coming back to he condo after a while, and nobody was any the wiser.
March 2014
My Boyfriend Finds Out
Ok, so I have decided that Ive made you all wait long enough, and that I should tell you guys how exactly it came about that my boyfriend found out about my cheating on him, so that what this post is going to be about. But first, a little more background.
I first cheated on my boyfriend with Ryan during my sophomore year in college. Just about two and a half years ago now. Then came Tyler and Brandon too over the course of the next year and a half. I detailed my first times with each of those guys, but I didn’t really go into a lot of detail about subsequent times. Partly because I really want this blog to get caught up with “real time” so I can talk about and tell stories that are current, as opposed to stuff that happened a year or more ago. So, I will just say that with each of those guys, the first time I was with them wasn’t the last. I had a few more flings with each of them. Quite a few times with Ryan at first, then 3 or 4 times with Tyler on days we were both bored between classes or something, and then again quite a few times with Brandon too whenever we could sneak around.
So… How did my bf find out about me cheating?
Well, back in November of last year I was actually out with my boyfriend in the mall shopping for something for a gift for his sister. My phone kept getting text messages, and I would look at it, and it was Brandon, the same guy from the ski condo that I had hooked up with, and who is sorta friends with my bf… Well, he had an idea of what he wanted that night, but I already had plans with my bf, so I told him no. Well, he didn’t really agree with that decision and kept texting, trying to convince me otherwise. My phone was going off every 3 or 4 min, with another reason why I should meet up with him, or cancel my plans, or whatever.
Eventually, my boyfriend asked me who kept texting me, and, so, of course I lied and told him it was just some drama with a girlfriend. Usually that works to get guys uninterested. He seemed pretty indifferent to the whole situation, but rather than risk anything I decided to put my phone on silent and put it back in my purse for the rest of the time at the mall. We bought the gift for his sister and went back to my apartment to make dinner. Well, when I got home, I looked at my phone again, and saw a text that forever changed my relationship with my boyfriend. It was from Brandon again, and it just said “I’m coming over”.
I was floored, I had no idea what to do. In a bit of a panic, I took my phone and ran upstairs and locked myself in my bathroom. I felt like I was in a bad dream. I felt trapped. I tried to call Brandon, but he didn’t answer. What made it even worse was that he had sent the text about 20 min earlier, when my phone was on silent. I thought I was being sly by not having my phone ring with every text when my bf was there, but then I didn’t realize when I got one either. Had I seen it before, I would have gone somewhere else, anywhere would have been better than my apartment at that time. I was so angry at myself for being so stupid as to mess this up when I was doing so well keeping everything hidden from my bf.
My doorbell rang. I panicked again, and started crying a little. I basically knew it was going to be all over. And what’s worse was that I knew I deserved what was about to happen. The guilt was overwhelming, and then to make matters even worse, I hear my bf yell up the stairs that he was going to answer the door… lovely. I heard him answer the door, and I heard him let Brandon in, although I’m sure there was confusion on both of their parts as to why the other was there. I slowly came over to the top of the stairs, just in time to hear my boyfriend ask Brandon why he was there. And then, of course, Brandon says “Courtney invited me”.
That was about all I could handle, and started crying again. I felt like I was on fire, and like I was 3 inches tall. I knew everything was about to come crashing down. I slowly slinked down the stairs and saw the two of them in the kitchen. It took just about all the control I had to muster up the ability to tell Brandon that I wanted him to leave. It was obvious that I had been crying. Brandon at first tried to argue. I don’t know why… I think that he maybe had some idea that we could keep hiding it, but I had this feeling that any new lie at this point would be blatantly transparent. I told him to leave again, and finally he did.
I sat down on the couch, and my boyfriend stared at me. He asked me if I knew what that was all about. I didn’t answer. He asked me why I was crying, and I didn’t answer. He asked me why I invited Brandon over, and I told him that I didn’t, so then he asked me why Brandon would think he could just come over, and again, I didn’t answer. I didn’t have another option. I couldn’t think of any other possible explanation why his friend showing up at my apartment would make me cry. He asked me again why the hell Brandon would come over, and I broke down and said “because I think he wanted to have sex with me”
He just stared again. He was quiet. I was almost hoping that he would just yell at me, scream about what a bitch I was, and how he deserved better - because that was all true, and that’s what I deserved. But he was quiet. I never came out and said anything specific, but he is a pretty smart guy, he can but two and two together. Eventually, he just picked up his keys, and left. I thought for sure that it was going to be the last time I saw him. I was positive that he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore.
I spent the next half hour or so thinking about all the terrible things that I had done to him, and how I deserved him leaving me. I thought of all the terrible things he could tell our mutual friends, or worse yet, my family. I even tried to call him, in some desperate attempt to apologize, but he wouldn’t answer. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days, but when I did, it wasn’t anything like I pictured it would be.
On my next post, I’ll tell you guys more about his reaction, and what happened next. Then from there, this blog will be more about my relationship going forward, rather than a history of things I have done.
As for now, it’s late, and I have a test tomorrow, so I need to study a bit before bed. I’ll be back soon!
My Boyfriend’s Reaction
I was a wreck for three days. My boyfriend had just found out that I had been hiding secrets from him. Brandon had come over to my apartment unannounced, and my boyfriend had been there at the time.
I had tried to call him a few times, with him not answering. I was pretty sure that he was so angry at me that he wouldn’t ever talk to me again. That’s not what I wanted at all, because I do care a lot for him.
So, three days later, he actually called me. He told me he wanted to talk, and he asked me if he could come over to my place. I told him that my roommate was over, so rather than talk (and fight) in front of her, we decided that I would go to his place. The drive over was pretty heartbreaking for me. It felt the whole time like I had a giant lump in my throat, and I didn’t know how things were going to happen. My palms were sweaty, I was biting my nails, and I debated with myself whether I should come clean and tell him everything, or double down on the lies and hiding. By the time I got there, I was pretty sure I would see what his reaction would be, and then base my decision on his feelings. I walked into his place pretty much sure that is would be the day he would dump me for real.
He was pretty calm. He asked me to sit down on the couch, and even offered me a drink. I have no idea why I said no. A glass of water would have probably helped out with my ability to speak, and a shot of alcohol would have calmed the nerves. I didn’t ask what kind of drink he was offering, I just declined right away. Probably a poor decision, but I didn’t really think about it at the time.
He sat down, and just said, “ok, tell me what happened with Brandon, and be honest”
Well shit… That didn’t give me much to go on as far as my course of action. If I tell him the truth, he dumps me, if I lie, he sees through it and dumps me… My boyfriend had always been caring, and helpful, and an all around good guy to me. I made the decision to tell him the truth. Everything.
I told him Brandon had come over to my apartment that night to have sex. He asked why, I told him that we had been hooking up for a few months behind his back, ever since that ski/snowboard trip. I told him I was sorry, I was a terrible girlfriend and he deserved much better than me. He didn’t say a word, just stared at me. I had that same 3 inch tall feeling again. He wouldn’t talk, just stared. I could hardly look at him, I was so ashamed. I told him it was ok if he was mad, I told him I understood if he didn’t want to be with me ever again. After what seemed like an hour he finally said something.
“Was he the only guy?”
Ughhhh…. This honesty thing was going to be the end of me…
I told him no. I told him about how it started, that party so long before where I met Ryan. I told him about between class flings with Tyler, and about how Brandon wouldn’t take no for an answer on more than one occasion. I expected that to be it. I expected him to tell me that he never wanted to see me again. I expected him to tell me to get out. He did neither. Just sat there, silent. I shut up eventually, and just sat there, trying not to cry, hoping he would just tell me to leave so he could get on with his life and I could avoid looking at his eyes any further.
And then he asked me the one single question that changed everything again. It changed our relationship from that point on completely, it changed my attitude about my own cheating, it changed his feelings toward his high school sweetheart, and ultimately, it led to my decision to create this very blog.
He asked me “How was it?”
That was probably the most shocked I have ever been. No screaming? No yelling? No breaking things or telling me what a bitch I was? He wanted to know how the sex was? For real?!?
I was confused, but told him again… Ryan was charming and sweet, and started me down the path. Tyler was me wanting to be bad, but more of a casual fuck buddy. Brandon started as as a challenge to myself, but ended up being him taking, and me giving, more and more willingly.
He asked me if I liked it every time. Again, I was honest… Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was just OK, sometimes it was unbelievably hot. He was curious, and I was confused as to why he wasn’t more upset… For the next hour or so, I went into pretty extensive detail with him about my exploits. At the end he said “wow Courtney, I had no idea. That’s pretty hot”
Hot? Really? Now my confusion was turning into more curiosity… Why did he think that was hot? I’m not going to go into too much detail about his feelings, because they are for him to share, but suffice it to say that he saw me in a whole new light. He seemed to love the idea that his longtime girlfriend and high school sweetheart had a hidden side. He thought it was hot that I was confident enough to try to hook up with multiple guys. He even told me he had no plans to break up with me, as long as I promised to be honest with him from then on. I eagerly took him up on the chance. I had sex with him that night, and to be honest, it was probably the best sex we have ever had.
That conversation was the driving force behind me starting this blog. I started researching things on the internet, things about cheating girlfriends and the idea of infidelity being a turn on. I found blogs, mostly here on Tumblr that talk about this kind of stuff, and decided to start my own.
And then here we are followers… That is my story in a nutshell. From here on out, everything will be about how our relationship evolves from here. I’d really like to hear your thoughts and comments. It gives me some indication that people are reading this with actual interest, and that the effort to write this down isn’t all for nothing.
Let me know where I should take this from here… I’m new, I don’t know what to do in a situation like this, or how far I can take it. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Courtney.
7年前
