CCG 2015 #1
February - May 2015
Im alive…
Hey everybody. Hows it going?
Is anybody still out there?
I’ve drafted this post a hundred different ways, and I’m not happy with any of them, but I realize I haven’t posted in ages, and you guys deserve more than not knowing what’s going on.
First of all, I am alive. Some of you wrote me asking if I was in a car accident, or the hospital or dead or something equally as horrible. Well no, I wasnt.
Some of you wrote me and asked me if I was in jail. Those suggestions, while sometimes humorous, were also not the case.
So, what the hell did happen to me for the past two months?
That is where I am really struggling to come up with the right words to explain to a bunch of strangers what is going on.
Here is the closest I can come:
Something happened. A big thing. Like, serious, life changing, huge ramifications, going to remember it until I die.
I apologize everybody, but im not going to tell you what it was. It was personal, and private.
What I can tell you is that im getting through it. I still have my boyfriend, and he has been there for me the whole way through.
I honestly have no idea how it will impact this blog. Id like to continue with it, but I dont know what it all means quite yet. So thanks in advance for your patience, until I feel comfortable sharing this part of my life again.
I thought for a while about how to best tell you all of this, and, while it may be completely cheesy and predictable, I’m going to summarize my life these last two months with another Taylor lyric:
Cuz we’re young and we’re reckless
We’ll take this way too far.
It’ll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar.
Take care of each other.
When Life Punched Me in the Face
Hey guys, how is everybody doing? I’m getting there. I’m getting better.
I feel like I am OK giving you a reason for my absence from Tumblr.
First of all, let’s start with things that weren’t the reason I was gone…
I am not pregnant. I was not pregnant. This had nothing to do with pregnancy at all. I can’t tell you how many people wrote me, anything from “congrats on the pregnancy!” To “you filthy whore, I’m glad your slutty ass got knocked up”, to “so, how did the abortion go?” Well, thanks for the messages, but really, those of you who thought that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Did I not make it explicitly clear that I make sure everybody I’m with uses protection? I suppose that with some people, when I said “life changing event” they automatically assumed it had so do with my sex life. It didn’t.
Which brings me to number 2… No, I did not get an STD either. Same thing as above. Nothin at all whatsoever to do with my sex life.
How about another wrong suggestion: “did you fall in love with Brandon or Kyle?”. I am going to group this with the “did you and your boyfriend break up?” None of see were the case either. My boyfriend and I are still together. He has been with me for the whole time. And he is a pretty great guy too. As for Brandon and Kyle, they are/were just side fun. I have never felt any romantic feelings towards either of them.
Here is what actually did happen:
In late December of last year, my little sister and her friend were driving in a car on the interstate. My sister was a passenger, and her friend was driving. It was bad weather, and her friend hit some ice and lost control of the car. We know that they were going somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-65 miles per hour, which was way too fast for conditions. They hit 2 other cars before hitting a guard rail and flipping their car over on the side of the road, at which point they rolled the car once, hit a tree, and stopped. Luckily, both of them were wearing seat belts. Unluckily, it didn’t have consequences. My sister broke her femur, cracked her pelvis, fractured two vertebrae in her lower back, and broke her collar bone. Her friend had severe whiplash, a fractured eye socket, broken ribs and a collapsed lung. They took them both to the hospital in an ambulance. My sister was somehow able to tell them in the ambulance who she was and asked them to call my parents. As soon as my parents heard, they left home immediately for the hospital, and called me on the way. This happened to be the same night that my boyfriend and I were at my company Christmas party. When I found out, I was a mess. My bf and I left right away, and drove to the hospital.
At the time, I was really emotional. I was angry at my sisters friend for driving like a dipshit. I was angry at my sister for letting her. I was scared that she would never walk again. I was scared that she might not even make it out alive. Really, I had no idea what to think.
So, the last couple of months have been pretty rough on me. For what seemed like forever, my days consisted of getting up, going to work, working 8 hours, then going to the hospital to spend time with my sister. Her back injury required the doctors to do some sort of fusion surgery (not really sure what that means) but that coupled with the broken pelvis made her legs really weak, and she really couldn’t walk at all for about 4 or 5 weeks. She had a lot of rehab, and is still not 100%, but she is doing well enough that I can give her crap for needing to use a cane like she is 87 years old.
So there it is. That was my reason for the “take care of each other” comment, and also for the Taylor quote about being young and reckless and it leaving a scar. Through this whole thing with my sister, she has actually been the most positive and upbeat out of all of us, which really helped me to work through it.
As for my personal life, it’s sorta been on hold this whole time. I haven’t been with anyone other than my boyfriend at all since this all happened. To be honest, I haven’t wanted to. I feel like if I did, it would somehow be selfish of me. I feel like (for whatever reason) that I shouldn’t be off galavanting around on dates or flings with random guys while she can’t sit up in bed for too long without her back hurting. I haven’t even begun to think about how I would try to explain this to either Brandon or Kyle, so I haven’t.
Like I said. I’m getting there. I was scared, and angry, but I’m getting there. But I don’t want pity. I don’t want you guys to send me messages of motivational quotes or anything like that. I’m getting through it, and soon enough she will be able to walk without that stupid cane, and I won’t feel so guilty about wanting to have a personal life again.
Oh, and one last thing… Thanks for sticking with me. I’m going to try to update more often, I really will.
Until next time.
-C.
An interesting thought
Hey… remember my post last year about my graduation party?
Go back and read it again if you like… I’ll wait.
Back? Good.
So… guess who has his own graduation this week? Hmmm… I wonder if he’s having a party? I might have to investigate. :)
June 2015
Turnabout is Fair Play
A week or so I posted aboit an idea I had (which happened to be a not-so-subtle reminder from a follower) that Brandon was likely graduating this month.
I must admit that it piqued my interest. That message came on a day I was feeling particularly upbeat about things, and I posted about it on my Tumblr, so I figured today that I at least owed you all an explanation of what happened with regard to it.
I typed that post on my phone while I was on my luch break. When I got off work, I called my boyfriend, and asked him to meet me for dinner that night, which, of course, he did. Dinner was an interesting conversation.
I felt like we were sorta starting all over again with this whole part of our relationship. You would think that after all we have been through in our bedroom lives, that me telling him about this idea would have been simple. It wasn’t. I can’t really explain why, maybe I’ll just blame it on the sister “guilt” thing. I felt like I was being selfish even considering doing something with another guy.
But… I was anxious. It had been a long time…. I debated myself a while at dinner just making small talk mostly. I couldnt tell if my bf knew something was going through my head or not.
I had this bad taste remaining in my mouth from the last time I was with Brandon and he tossed that cash at me. I hated him for that. It was such a classless move, but yet here I was, seriously considering asking my boyfriend for his thoughts on me potentially putting myself through a similar situation because I was anxious again. To be honest, that weighed more heavily on my thoughts than the thing with my sister.
Finally, after 2 drinks and half a meal, I stopped beating myself up about it and got up the gall to come out and through it out there.
I told my boyfriend, “hey, there is something I want to talk to you about, but I’m not even sure how I feel about the idea yet, so be honest with me. ” He said ok, and asked what was up.
I asked him “do you remember our graduation party?” Of course he did.
“Do you remember what happened? I mean with Brandon showing up, and being all friendly with my family and stuff?” Again, he said yes, but I could tell he wasnt sure where this all was going just yet.
“Well, I had an idea” (sorry guys, bf still doesnt know about this blog, so I took credit for it myself) “what if I crashed his graduation party like he did for ours?”
He thought about it for a little bit while he was eating. I started to think he was upset about it. Maybe he was done with this little kink? I pushed him a little more, because I know that it would turn him on… “besides, its been a pretty long time since… you know…” I let it hang out there… he didnt answer for a while. Maybe he was actually having second thoughts.
The waitress came by before the conversation went any further and asked if there was anything she could get for us. He started to shake his head politely and answer no, but I had this idea pop into my head and I spoke up right away. “We need shots. Jack please.“ My boyfriend just sort of smiled sheepishly, and the waitress nodded and left. “Courtney, since when do you order whiskey shots?” (he had a point… I am much more of a beer/wine girl) I smiled at him and said “I know… but I just felt like it had been a long time since I had something really hard inside me.”
That made him blush, and he looked down at his food like he was embarrassed. There was my little cuckold…
I asked him what he thought again. Then he did something pretty sweet. He said “Courtney, If you think you are ready to start seeing him again, thats fine with me. I just want you to do whatever you think is right for you. Last time with him you seemed like you were pretty pissed at him about his stupid money thing, and I dont want you to be upset anymore.” That was sweet, and from the heart, and it hit home for me. It made me realize a couple of things. First- just how much he trusts me, and Second- how much control over our shared sex life he is willing to give up to me, still, even after a long hiatus. It made me feel powerful, and I liked the feeling.
So, I told him I needed his help. I had no idea when or where Brandon may or may not be having a graduation party. I told him I needed him to call around, and figure out the status for me. He agreed. I’ve learned that including him in things like this turns him on even more. We finished dinner, and had a shot of whiskey to celebrate my willingness to get back in the dating game.
It took a couple of days, but eventually he called around and talked to enough people to find out that Brandon was planning a joint party with a bunch of other people - most of which I had no idea who they were, at a house I had never been to, at a time that I couldnt be there. Hmmm… that was a bit of a problem. What was I going to do?
The graduation party started last Friday afternoon, and I had to work, so I couldn’t go for the whole thing, but when I got off, I drove home, changed clothes quickly into something more casual, and drove over to this random house about 15 min away. I stopped and bought a card. Just a generic “"happy graduation” card. I had no intention of giving it to him, but I thought it would provide good enough cover to walk into a graduation party. When I got there, it was obvious that there was a party inside, and there were tons of people in the backyard, so I just decided to try that route. I went right past the front door and inyo the back yard. I was actually nervous. I had a little lump in my throat, and my palms were all sweaty. I wasnt nervous about seeing Brandon… that part didnt scare me. I was nervous about crashing this party of people who I had no idea about. What if I pissed somebody off?
As it turns out, it wasnt that big of a deal at all. There were probably close to 50 people there - from little k**s to grandparents. I didnt know anybody… so I just owned it. I went up to a couple of middle aged people (no idea who they were) and introduced myself. They were Scott and Laurie of course… Greg’s aunt and uncle… Oh! Of course they were… Greg… what a guy… yeah, ive met him a couple times (total lie). They asked about me… I told them I was a classmate of Brandons. They asked me if I had graduated too… I told them yes, I had. (Left out the fact that it was a year ago) they congratulated me, I thanked them… and wandered around a bit more.
I talked to probably 5 or 6 people, over about 15 min, and the whole time I never saw anybody I knew, including Brandon. I started wondering if this was even the right party. I was about to call it a bust and sneak out, but then I heard some young girl about 15 or 16 say to a lady up on the deck "mom, where did dad and Brandon go?” I froze. I strained to hear the lady respond over the noise of the group of k**s playing. “They went to get [something I couldnt hear] in 10 min”
Finally! Some kind of indication I was in the right spot. Which meant that this lady must be… I walked up and introduced myself. Sure enough, Brandon’s mom. Perfect. I can’t tell you the feeling I had when introducing myself to her. It was this rush of control, and power. I decided right there, that I wasn’t going to concentrate on sex with Brandon at all that day. I just wanted to make him feel uneasy. I wanted to make him feel that same awkward feeling that he gave me the year before. If he was going to be an ass and throw money at me after sex, I was going to give it right back. So I turned on the charm…
I chatted up his mom. I told her that Brandon and I were classmates, that we had known each other since we were freshmen. That he had even asked me to help tutor him in a couple of classes he was struggling with. In about 5 min, it was like we were friends ourselves. At one point, she even wondered out loud why her son had never mentioned me to her before. If she only knew.
And then, about 15 min later, the front door opens up, and Brandon walked in with his dad, and some other parent-age guy. Bingo. He didn’t see me at first. I was in the kitchen around the corner, but I saw him. He said hi to some people, introduced himself to others, and I just waited there, next to his mom, chatting her up about how excited I was to have graduated and now be able to get a job… I watched him come closer slowly. He still hadn’t noticed me.
Then his mom sort of yelled across the room to him and said “Brandon, Mark and Deb said congrats, and they are sorry they couldn’t make it!” He glanced up at her when she said that, and then did a textbook double take. He saw me. Priceless. That look he had was some kind of surprise/ shock/ confusion/ paranoia combination. It was perfect. He looked at his mom again, and me, and around the room a little, and back to me. I could tell he was really nervous and uneasy. I couldn’t help but smile. He slowly walked over towards his mom and I, and I delighted in listening to her ask him sternly why he had never mentioned his classmate Courtney? And about how she was at least glad that he had the decency to invite me to his graduation party after I had helped tutor him… It was hilarious. I was smiling the whole time. He was very obviously uncomfortable. That’s what I wanted. His mom was none the wiser the whole time.
After a while, he sorta cornered me, and when we were alone, he asked me what the hell I was doing there, and why I was lying to his mom. To which I answered by asking why the fuck he came to my party the year before? He sorta nodded, conceding that he probably deserved that surprise. But en he asked me where I was for the past 5 months, and why I hadn’t answered any of his texts or anything. (He had no idea about everything with my sister)
All I could do was shrug… I had to think of something, but no words came, so a playful shrug was what happened. My mind was searching for an answer to his question. Something that would be believable, not too personal, and at the same time keep up with the awkward feeling I wanted him to have. I took a drink of my beer… If only to stall for more time and avoid answering him. He stared at me like “well…?”
And then it came to me… This perfect answer. But I needed a little time to pull it off.
I said “look, I know I’ve been off the map for a while, but I can explain it all. But first, I really have to pee, and as soon as I get out, I’ll explain everything, and give you your graduation present, ok?”
“Oh yeah? You gonna do that right here huh?”
“If you’re lucky…”
I ducked into the bathroom, and pulled out a pen and that graduation card I had bought earlier from my purse. I wrote:
Sorry for the long absence, I found somebody that fucks me SO much better than you do, and I guess he must have just made me forget about you. Try not to cry about it. You can have this back now. -Court.
I pulled out a $5 bill and put it in the card, and sealed it up, and wrote his name on the outside of the envelope.
I walked out of the bathroom, and over to him, and handed him the card. He asked what it was… A little bit of that arrogance showing through. I can only guess what he figured it was in there. I told his mom I had to go… (The party was starting to break up anyway as people started leaving for dinner and such). She gave me a hug, and thanked me for coming (obviously we are like besties now) and I said goodbye to Brandon and let myself out to head home.
I don’t know when he opened the card. I don’t know who was around. I like to think that his mom was there asking him what kind of gift that cute young classmate of his got him.
I don’t know the answers yet. I haven’t heard from him in a week.
On my way home, I realized that I am OK with that. If this is the end of Brandon and I, well then so be it. At least I ended it with the upper hand. If it’s not the end of Brandon, well then I can work with that too.
I still have my bf, and both of us are still interested in staying in this sort of relationship. And, like he suggested at dinner the week before. I did what I thought was right for me. Who knows what happens from here?
Nice to see you again Tumblr. I missed you.
toricooperauthor asked:
I hope you fuck someone other than your bf real soon. If there is any way for your think tank to help, just ask!
Well… I am always entertaining ideas… I hope it happens too, but unfortunately, it doesn’t look too promising in that department any time in the immediate future.
The whole online dating thing has pretty much been a bust, so it looks like if I want this to happen, I’d better meet somebody new.
Ok followers… ideas of things to do or try that might lead to potential new hook-ups? Bonus points if it involves my boyfriend… ready? Go!
foray-through-life asked:
Does your boyfriend have a type he likes you to be with? I know you have mentioned he wants it to be up to you and your enjoyment, but I was curious if there were any specifics.
No, he doesn’t have any particular “type” he would like more than the other. At least not that he’s told me about recently.
A while back, I quizzed him on this topic, and made him tell me one fantasy about guys I would be with for each day of thr week.
I wrote about it here and called it “Fantasy Week” if you care to read it.
If you have any ideas for meeting those kinds of guys, I’m all ears…
guytwo asked:
Courtney, why not let a guy on here have you for a night? Once you pick a guy that is a candidate you can find out a way to see him in public. If he is who he says he is and you are comfortable then you can find a way to have a one night stand.
Oh yeah… definitely dont see any problems with that at all… Who’s first?
Ask me anything…
Hey everyone! Ive been pretty busy lately, and haven’t really had any time to explore any of your recommendations for finding a new guy yet, (totally appreciate those btw) but I didn’t want to do the radio silence thing again. So really, I have nothing exciting to tell you yet on that front.
Sooo… how about you guys ask me questions… I’ll answer a few of the best.
They can be about anything. Blog related or otherwise. Whatcha got?
Ask away…
3winds asked:
What advice would you give a couple interested in a similar sex life to what you have with your boyfriend?
Well, first of all, I would say that this kinda thing isn’t for everybody. I never planned to have this sort of relationship, I just sort of stumbled into it, because I was tempted.
I realize that cheating, and then finding out that your significant other finds that kinky is the exact opposite way that people should decide to try this. I was selfish, and I am very lucky that it has worked out for us so far. I dont take that for granted.
The only way to know if this is something you are both into is to talk about it. Openly. Which - trust me - is way harder than it sounds. Without both of you being open and honest about thoughts, feelings and actions, you are doomed to ensure someone is hurt.
osut86 asked:
Fellow woman in a cuckold relationship here. Have you ever discussed telling one of your female friends about your arrangement to enhance the humiliation? Or would that be crossing too far into your "real life"? I know we've struggled with same decision.
Yes!
I totally have. I have thought about that a lot. Waaay back when I had that date with Matt that didn’t pan out, I even listed it as one of the things I thought I needed. A wingwoman.
I suppose, given the post I just made a few seconds ago, that I need to bring this up to my boyfriend and see what he thinks about the idea.
The problem that I (and probably anybody else) is struggling with is the “who?” part. I feel like if I ever told another girl about this part of my relationship, she would have to be someone close enough to me, but not too close. Someone who’s friendship could grow and get closer, or whose I could lose altogether, depending on how she reacted.
Finding that sweet spot is tricky for me, and im wrestling with it. But as soon as I find out the who part, I would LOVE to have another girl to have ladies nights out with that knew about my bf and I.
redlory21 asked:
would you have a MMF "threesome" with bf and not let him participate much?
Ive never actually had a threesome, believe it or not. I would, sure. And I feel like if I didnt let him participate, then it wouldn’t be much of a threesome, would it?
thepronz asked:
Do you and your boyfriend openly fantasize about you fucking other men when you're having sex with each other? Every time? Some of the time? None of the time?
We have before, yes. Its not an every time kinda thing, but occasionally. And its mostly been a one-way thing. I have mentioned both Brandon and Kyle during sex with him, mostly to tease him and push him over the edge, but he hasn’t ever been the one bringing up other guys.
arossp asked:
What, if anything, do you think is the biggest way you've changed since you started cheating?
Ohhh… a deep question.
I think, honestly, the biggest way ive changed is in learning to be open about what feels good sexually. I feel like I’ve become way less passive in bed, and much more in control of my sex life, and who I share it with. Confidence is huge. Of course, the only way that I can be that sexually confident is by having someone support me in it.
holes4bbc asked:
Length or girth? Or do you care
Easy question…
Girtengh. :)
spiceitup-wifesharing asked:
In your last encounter with Brandon you described how he just used you anyway he wanted and pretty much treated you like a whore. My girlfriends loves that same thing during sex, on occassion. Do you find yourself thinking back to that; wanting it?
Yes, and no.
Sometimes I think back on how hot it was during the act and crave it. Then I think back on how bad I felt afterwards and hate him for it.
If I could have that kind of hot sex, and then not be made to feel cheep and worthless afterward, that would be perfect.
jackmc124 asked:
Would you rather: Have sex with two guys or a guy and a girl?
Hmmm…
Ive been with a few guys, but never more than one at a time. Ive never been with a girl at all.
I suppose, if i had to pick - just out of curiosity, I’d like to try sometime with another lady sometime.
rbd10900 asked:
It baffles me that you have any trouble finding someone who wants to physically be with you..I think you just gotta go to the bar one night and find one of the better looking guys showing off public displays of manliness. Those guys are usually testosterone-filled and easy. Right up your alley! lol... Definitely need to let a friend in on what you've been doing/want to do. Will make it soooooo much easier.
Its not so much that I have a lack of men around. Like you said, I can probably go out any Friday night and pick up some jock in a bar.
The difficulty lies in finding somebody who A- I want to be with, and B- my bf is turned on by the thought of me being with.
Which makes the candidate pool much smaller, because in order for him to fit those two criteria, we are finding that we sorta need to at least be somewhere near “familiar” with the guy, or else it would just feel like me cheating again for my bf, and we dont want that.
hovercrafteel73 asked:
In the spirit of the ask, here goes... Have you given any thought to letting one of your friends know, and letting your boyfriend know that the friend is aware? Do you think it would be better for you (and your boyfriend) if you were going out for a girls' night out and he knew that your friend(s) could and would encourage you to hook up?
Yes… a ton of thought. As I mentioned before. On an Ask.
I probably got like 3 or 4 similar questions about letting a friend know about us.
Trust me, it is wieghing very heavily on my mind at the moment. Im leaning more and more towards telling a friend about us.
adisgruntled0311 asked:
How would you feel if your boyfriend asked for the same freedoms as far as sexual conquest within your relationship?
That’s a tough one.
Honestly, I would probably be a little jealous (and a lot hypocritical).
He likes the idea of sharing me, I dislike the idea of sharing him.
Luckily for me, he hasn’t ever asked for something like that.
enjoyingmyselfalways asked:
How do you feel about fucking married men?
The idea of being “the other woman” for somebody is a dicey one for me. It is very taboo, but might also be hot and totally non-committal. So, I guess that means I am on the fence with it.
My boyfriend really likes the idea of his innocent ***********friend turning into Susie Homewrecker on the side sometime though.
dahlink asked:
Does your boyfriend identify himself as a cuckold? I would assume so, since he clearly enjoys your exploits, but often young men have a difficult time acknowledging something that is so at odds with "culturally appropriate" masculinity. Whether or not he does, he's so lucky to have your affection. If only I had been so lucky years ago! Rock on, young miss!
No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t really like the term at all. He says it makes him sound weak. He just prefers the idea that he “shares” me.
Sometimes I tease him though, and call him “my little cuckold” just to make him blush.
rbd10900 asked:
Oh also, any response yet from Brandon? It blows my mind that he hasn't responded to the card. That was a crazy and awesome power move by you.. It's surprising that he's not dying to take the power in the "relationship" back.. Seems like something that would eat at him
No! I am totally surprised too. I would have thought he would have answered with something by now. But I got nothing. I’m sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop there too, we will have to wait and see I guess.
toricooperauthor asked:
Would you like your bf to watch you with another man or do you prefer to keep him wondering?
I’m not opposed to the idea of him watching sometime. Although that might totally mess with my head if it ever happened. There is something to be said for the thrill of keeping him wondering what I do with other guys though. Sometimes I wonder if maybe his imagination of me with another guy might be hotter for him than seeing the actual act.
July 2015
canorus90 asked:
What happened to Kyle? Do you think you will see him again?
You know, after everything with my sister, I kinda just lost touch with him. It’s not like I have avoided him or anything, I just haven’t talked to him much. I haven’t really made any effort too - it just wasn’t high on my priority list. He did text me a while back, in like March sometime, when I was having a particularly bad day, and I just didn’t feel like talking to him, so I never answered him. I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but I don’t know how he would react if I just texted him right out of the blue again.
toricooperauthor asked:
Maybe this question is too personal and it's ok if you don't answer it but why not tell Kyle about the accident? Wouldn't he understand why you went dark if he knew? Or just keep him on the outside, if you don't want to share that much of yourself with him. Just let him know you went through a family trauma, it was really shattering, and now the pieces of your life are starting to come back together again. You'd like to pick up where you left off, no questions asked.
That’s still an option, I guess. I just don’t know if I am ready for those two sides of my life to meet each other yet. I haven’t been able to think of a good enough lie for him yet about my disappearance, but if something doesn’t happen soon, I may just do that.
Im alive…
Hey everybody. Hows it going?
Is anybody still out there?
I’ve drafted this post a hundred different ways, and I’m not happy with any of them, but I realize I haven’t posted in ages, and you guys deserve more than not knowing what’s going on.
First of all, I am alive. Some of you wrote me asking if I was in a car accident, or the hospital or dead or something equally as horrible. Well no, I wasnt.
Some of you wrote me and asked me if I was in jail. Those suggestions, while sometimes humorous, were also not the case.
So, what the hell did happen to me for the past two months?
That is where I am really struggling to come up with the right words to explain to a bunch of strangers what is going on.
Here is the closest I can come:
Something happened. A big thing. Like, serious, life changing, huge ramifications, going to remember it until I die.
I apologize everybody, but im not going to tell you what it was. It was personal, and private.
What I can tell you is that im getting through it. I still have my boyfriend, and he has been there for me the whole way through.
I honestly have no idea how it will impact this blog. Id like to continue with it, but I dont know what it all means quite yet. So thanks in advance for your patience, until I feel comfortable sharing this part of my life again.
I thought for a while about how to best tell you all of this, and, while it may be completely cheesy and predictable, I’m going to summarize my life these last two months with another Taylor lyric:
Cuz we’re young and we’re reckless
We’ll take this way too far.
It’ll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar.
Take care of each other.
When Life Punched Me in the Face
Hey guys, how is everybody doing? I’m getting there. I’m getting better.
I feel like I am OK giving you a reason for my absence from Tumblr.
First of all, let’s start with things that weren’t the reason I was gone…
I am not pregnant. I was not pregnant. This had nothing to do with pregnancy at all. I can’t tell you how many people wrote me, anything from “congrats on the pregnancy!” To “you filthy whore, I’m glad your slutty ass got knocked up”, to “so, how did the abortion go?” Well, thanks for the messages, but really, those of you who thought that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Did I not make it explicitly clear that I make sure everybody I’m with uses protection? I suppose that with some people, when I said “life changing event” they automatically assumed it had so do with my sex life. It didn’t.
Which brings me to number 2… No, I did not get an STD either. Same thing as above. Nothin at all whatsoever to do with my sex life.
How about another wrong suggestion: “did you fall in love with Brandon or Kyle?”. I am going to group this with the “did you and your boyfriend break up?” None of see were the case either. My boyfriend and I are still together. He has been with me for the whole time. And he is a pretty great guy too. As for Brandon and Kyle, they are/were just side fun. I have never felt any romantic feelings towards either of them.
Here is what actually did happen:
In late December of last year, my little sister and her friend were driving in a car on the interstate. My sister was a passenger, and her friend was driving. It was bad weather, and her friend hit some ice and lost control of the car. We know that they were going somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-65 miles per hour, which was way too fast for conditions. They hit 2 other cars before hitting a guard rail and flipping their car over on the side of the road, at which point they rolled the car once, hit a tree, and stopped. Luckily, both of them were wearing seat belts. Unluckily, it didn’t have consequences. My sister broke her femur, cracked her pelvis, fractured two vertebrae in her lower back, and broke her collar bone. Her friend had severe whiplash, a fractured eye socket, broken ribs and a collapsed lung. They took them both to the hospital in an ambulance. My sister was somehow able to tell them in the ambulance who she was and asked them to call my parents. As soon as my parents heard, they left home immediately for the hospital, and called me on the way. This happened to be the same night that my boyfriend and I were at my company Christmas party. When I found out, I was a mess. My bf and I left right away, and drove to the hospital.
At the time, I was really emotional. I was angry at my sisters friend for driving like a dipshit. I was angry at my sister for letting her. I was scared that she would never walk again. I was scared that she might not even make it out alive. Really, I had no idea what to think.
So, the last couple of months have been pretty rough on me. For what seemed like forever, my days consisted of getting up, going to work, working 8 hours, then going to the hospital to spend time with my sister. Her back injury required the doctors to do some sort of fusion surgery (not really sure what that means) but that coupled with the broken pelvis made her legs really weak, and she really couldn’t walk at all for about 4 or 5 weeks. She had a lot of rehab, and is still not 100%, but she is doing well enough that I can give her crap for needing to use a cane like she is 87 years old.
So there it is. That was my reason for the “take care of each other” comment, and also for the Taylor quote about being young and reckless and it leaving a scar. Through this whole thing with my sister, she has actually been the most positive and upbeat out of all of us, which really helped me to work through it.
As for my personal life, it’s sorta been on hold this whole time. I haven’t been with anyone other than my boyfriend at all since this all happened. To be honest, I haven’t wanted to. I feel like if I did, it would somehow be selfish of me. I feel like (for whatever reason) that I shouldn’t be off galavanting around on dates or flings with random guys while she can’t sit up in bed for too long without her back hurting. I haven’t even begun to think about how I would try to explain this to either Brandon or Kyle, so I haven’t.
Like I said. I’m getting there. I was scared, and angry, but I’m getting there. But I don’t want pity. I don’t want you guys to send me messages of motivational quotes or anything like that. I’m getting through it, and soon enough she will be able to walk without that stupid cane, and I won’t feel so guilty about wanting to have a personal life again.
Oh, and one last thing… Thanks for sticking with me. I’m going to try to update more often, I really will.
Until next time.
-C.
An interesting thought
Hey… remember my post last year about my graduation party?
Go back and read it again if you like… I’ll wait.
Back? Good.
So… guess who has his own graduation this week? Hmmm… I wonder if he’s having a party? I might have to investigate. :)
June 2015
Turnabout is Fair Play
A week or so I posted aboit an idea I had (which happened to be a not-so-subtle reminder from a follower) that Brandon was likely graduating this month.
I must admit that it piqued my interest. That message came on a day I was feeling particularly upbeat about things, and I posted about it on my Tumblr, so I figured today that I at least owed you all an explanation of what happened with regard to it.
I typed that post on my phone while I was on my luch break. When I got off work, I called my boyfriend, and asked him to meet me for dinner that night, which, of course, he did. Dinner was an interesting conversation.
I felt like we were sorta starting all over again with this whole part of our relationship. You would think that after all we have been through in our bedroom lives, that me telling him about this idea would have been simple. It wasn’t. I can’t really explain why, maybe I’ll just blame it on the sister “guilt” thing. I felt like I was being selfish even considering doing something with another guy.
But… I was anxious. It had been a long time…. I debated myself a while at dinner just making small talk mostly. I couldnt tell if my bf knew something was going through my head or not.
I had this bad taste remaining in my mouth from the last time I was with Brandon and he tossed that cash at me. I hated him for that. It was such a classless move, but yet here I was, seriously considering asking my boyfriend for his thoughts on me potentially putting myself through a similar situation because I was anxious again. To be honest, that weighed more heavily on my thoughts than the thing with my sister.
Finally, after 2 drinks and half a meal, I stopped beating myself up about it and got up the gall to come out and through it out there.
I told my boyfriend, “hey, there is something I want to talk to you about, but I’m not even sure how I feel about the idea yet, so be honest with me. ” He said ok, and asked what was up.
I asked him “do you remember our graduation party?” Of course he did.
“Do you remember what happened? I mean with Brandon showing up, and being all friendly with my family and stuff?” Again, he said yes, but I could tell he wasnt sure where this all was going just yet.
“Well, I had an idea” (sorry guys, bf still doesnt know about this blog, so I took credit for it myself) “what if I crashed his graduation party like he did for ours?”
He thought about it for a little bit while he was eating. I started to think he was upset about it. Maybe he was done with this little kink? I pushed him a little more, because I know that it would turn him on… “besides, its been a pretty long time since… you know…” I let it hang out there… he didnt answer for a while. Maybe he was actually having second thoughts.
The waitress came by before the conversation went any further and asked if there was anything she could get for us. He started to shake his head politely and answer no, but I had this idea pop into my head and I spoke up right away. “We need shots. Jack please.“ My boyfriend just sort of smiled sheepishly, and the waitress nodded and left. “Courtney, since when do you order whiskey shots?” (he had a point… I am much more of a beer/wine girl) I smiled at him and said “I know… but I just felt like it had been a long time since I had something really hard inside me.”
That made him blush, and he looked down at his food like he was embarrassed. There was my little cuckold…
I asked him what he thought again. Then he did something pretty sweet. He said “Courtney, If you think you are ready to start seeing him again, thats fine with me. I just want you to do whatever you think is right for you. Last time with him you seemed like you were pretty pissed at him about his stupid money thing, and I dont want you to be upset anymore.” That was sweet, and from the heart, and it hit home for me. It made me realize a couple of things. First- just how much he trusts me, and Second- how much control over our shared sex life he is willing to give up to me, still, even after a long hiatus. It made me feel powerful, and I liked the feeling.
So, I told him I needed his help. I had no idea when or where Brandon may or may not be having a graduation party. I told him I needed him to call around, and figure out the status for me. He agreed. I’ve learned that including him in things like this turns him on even more. We finished dinner, and had a shot of whiskey to celebrate my willingness to get back in the dating game.
It took a couple of days, but eventually he called around and talked to enough people to find out that Brandon was planning a joint party with a bunch of other people - most of which I had no idea who they were, at a house I had never been to, at a time that I couldnt be there. Hmmm… that was a bit of a problem. What was I going to do?
The graduation party started last Friday afternoon, and I had to work, so I couldn’t go for the whole thing, but when I got off, I drove home, changed clothes quickly into something more casual, and drove over to this random house about 15 min away. I stopped and bought a card. Just a generic “"happy graduation” card. I had no intention of giving it to him, but I thought it would provide good enough cover to walk into a graduation party. When I got there, it was obvious that there was a party inside, and there were tons of people in the backyard, so I just decided to try that route. I went right past the front door and inyo the back yard. I was actually nervous. I had a little lump in my throat, and my palms were all sweaty. I wasnt nervous about seeing Brandon… that part didnt scare me. I was nervous about crashing this party of people who I had no idea about. What if I pissed somebody off?
As it turns out, it wasnt that big of a deal at all. There were probably close to 50 people there - from little k**s to grandparents. I didnt know anybody… so I just owned it. I went up to a couple of middle aged people (no idea who they were) and introduced myself. They were Scott and Laurie of course… Greg’s aunt and uncle… Oh! Of course they were… Greg… what a guy… yeah, ive met him a couple times (total lie). They asked about me… I told them I was a classmate of Brandons. They asked me if I had graduated too… I told them yes, I had. (Left out the fact that it was a year ago) they congratulated me, I thanked them… and wandered around a bit more.
I talked to probably 5 or 6 people, over about 15 min, and the whole time I never saw anybody I knew, including Brandon. I started wondering if this was even the right party. I was about to call it a bust and sneak out, but then I heard some young girl about 15 or 16 say to a lady up on the deck "mom, where did dad and Brandon go?” I froze. I strained to hear the lady respond over the noise of the group of k**s playing. “They went to get [something I couldnt hear] in 10 min”
Finally! Some kind of indication I was in the right spot. Which meant that this lady must be… I walked up and introduced myself. Sure enough, Brandon’s mom. Perfect. I can’t tell you the feeling I had when introducing myself to her. It was this rush of control, and power. I decided right there, that I wasn’t going to concentrate on sex with Brandon at all that day. I just wanted to make him feel uneasy. I wanted to make him feel that same awkward feeling that he gave me the year before. If he was going to be an ass and throw money at me after sex, I was going to give it right back. So I turned on the charm…
I chatted up his mom. I told her that Brandon and I were classmates, that we had known each other since we were freshmen. That he had even asked me to help tutor him in a couple of classes he was struggling with. In about 5 min, it was like we were friends ourselves. At one point, she even wondered out loud why her son had never mentioned me to her before. If she only knew.
And then, about 15 min later, the front door opens up, and Brandon walked in with his dad, and some other parent-age guy. Bingo. He didn’t see me at first. I was in the kitchen around the corner, but I saw him. He said hi to some people, introduced himself to others, and I just waited there, next to his mom, chatting her up about how excited I was to have graduated and now be able to get a job… I watched him come closer slowly. He still hadn’t noticed me.
Then his mom sort of yelled across the room to him and said “Brandon, Mark and Deb said congrats, and they are sorry they couldn’t make it!” He glanced up at her when she said that, and then did a textbook double take. He saw me. Priceless. That look he had was some kind of surprise/ shock/ confusion/ paranoia combination. It was perfect. He looked at his mom again, and me, and around the room a little, and back to me. I could tell he was really nervous and uneasy. I couldn’t help but smile. He slowly walked over towards his mom and I, and I delighted in listening to her ask him sternly why he had never mentioned his classmate Courtney? And about how she was at least glad that he had the decency to invite me to his graduation party after I had helped tutor him… It was hilarious. I was smiling the whole time. He was very obviously uncomfortable. That’s what I wanted. His mom was none the wiser the whole time.
After a while, he sorta cornered me, and when we were alone, he asked me what the hell I was doing there, and why I was lying to his mom. To which I answered by asking why the fuck he came to my party the year before? He sorta nodded, conceding that he probably deserved that surprise. But en he asked me where I was for the past 5 months, and why I hadn’t answered any of his texts or anything. (He had no idea about everything with my sister)
All I could do was shrug… I had to think of something, but no words came, so a playful shrug was what happened. My mind was searching for an answer to his question. Something that would be believable, not too personal, and at the same time keep up with the awkward feeling I wanted him to have. I took a drink of my beer… If only to stall for more time and avoid answering him. He stared at me like “well…?”
And then it came to me… This perfect answer. But I needed a little time to pull it off.
I said “look, I know I’ve been off the map for a while, but I can explain it all. But first, I really have to pee, and as soon as I get out, I’ll explain everything, and give you your graduation present, ok?”
“Oh yeah? You gonna do that right here huh?”
“If you’re lucky…”
I ducked into the bathroom, and pulled out a pen and that graduation card I had bought earlier from my purse. I wrote:
Sorry for the long absence, I found somebody that fucks me SO much better than you do, and I guess he must have just made me forget about you. Try not to cry about it. You can have this back now. -Court.
I pulled out a $5 bill and put it in the card, and sealed it up, and wrote his name on the outside of the envelope.
I walked out of the bathroom, and over to him, and handed him the card. He asked what it was… A little bit of that arrogance showing through. I can only guess what he figured it was in there. I told his mom I had to go… (The party was starting to break up anyway as people started leaving for dinner and such). She gave me a hug, and thanked me for coming (obviously we are like besties now) and I said goodbye to Brandon and let myself out to head home.
I don’t know when he opened the card. I don’t know who was around. I like to think that his mom was there asking him what kind of gift that cute young classmate of his got him.
I don’t know the answers yet. I haven’t heard from him in a week.
On my way home, I realized that I am OK with that. If this is the end of Brandon and I, well then so be it. At least I ended it with the upper hand. If it’s not the end of Brandon, well then I can work with that too.
I still have my bf, and both of us are still interested in staying in this sort of relationship. And, like he suggested at dinner the week before. I did what I thought was right for me. Who knows what happens from here?
Nice to see you again Tumblr. I missed you.
toricooperauthor asked:
I hope you fuck someone other than your bf real soon. If there is any way for your think tank to help, just ask!
Well… I am always entertaining ideas… I hope it happens too, but unfortunately, it doesn’t look too promising in that department any time in the immediate future.
The whole online dating thing has pretty much been a bust, so it looks like if I want this to happen, I’d better meet somebody new.
Ok followers… ideas of things to do or try that might lead to potential new hook-ups? Bonus points if it involves my boyfriend… ready? Go!
foray-through-life asked:
Does your boyfriend have a type he likes you to be with? I know you have mentioned he wants it to be up to you and your enjoyment, but I was curious if there were any specifics.
No, he doesn’t have any particular “type” he would like more than the other. At least not that he’s told me about recently.
A while back, I quizzed him on this topic, and made him tell me one fantasy about guys I would be with for each day of thr week.
I wrote about it here and called it “Fantasy Week” if you care to read it.
If you have any ideas for meeting those kinds of guys, I’m all ears…
guytwo asked:
Courtney, why not let a guy on here have you for a night? Once you pick a guy that is a candidate you can find out a way to see him in public. If he is who he says he is and you are comfortable then you can find a way to have a one night stand.
Oh yeah… definitely dont see any problems with that at all… Who’s first?
Ask me anything…
Hey everyone! Ive been pretty busy lately, and haven’t really had any time to explore any of your recommendations for finding a new guy yet, (totally appreciate those btw) but I didn’t want to do the radio silence thing again. So really, I have nothing exciting to tell you yet on that front.
Sooo… how about you guys ask me questions… I’ll answer a few of the best.
They can be about anything. Blog related or otherwise. Whatcha got?
Ask away…
3winds asked:
What advice would you give a couple interested in a similar sex life to what you have with your boyfriend?
Well, first of all, I would say that this kinda thing isn’t for everybody. I never planned to have this sort of relationship, I just sort of stumbled into it, because I was tempted.
I realize that cheating, and then finding out that your significant other finds that kinky is the exact opposite way that people should decide to try this. I was selfish, and I am very lucky that it has worked out for us so far. I dont take that for granted.
The only way to know if this is something you are both into is to talk about it. Openly. Which - trust me - is way harder than it sounds. Without both of you being open and honest about thoughts, feelings and actions, you are doomed to ensure someone is hurt.
osut86 asked:
Fellow woman in a cuckold relationship here. Have you ever discussed telling one of your female friends about your arrangement to enhance the humiliation? Or would that be crossing too far into your "real life"? I know we've struggled with same decision.
Yes!
I totally have. I have thought about that a lot. Waaay back when I had that date with Matt that didn’t pan out, I even listed it as one of the things I thought I needed. A wingwoman.
I suppose, given the post I just made a few seconds ago, that I need to bring this up to my boyfriend and see what he thinks about the idea.
The problem that I (and probably anybody else) is struggling with is the “who?” part. I feel like if I ever told another girl about this part of my relationship, she would have to be someone close enough to me, but not too close. Someone who’s friendship could grow and get closer, or whose I could lose altogether, depending on how she reacted.
Finding that sweet spot is tricky for me, and im wrestling with it. But as soon as I find out the who part, I would LOVE to have another girl to have ladies nights out with that knew about my bf and I.
redlory21 asked:
would you have a MMF "threesome" with bf and not let him participate much?
Ive never actually had a threesome, believe it or not. I would, sure. And I feel like if I didnt let him participate, then it wouldn’t be much of a threesome, would it?
thepronz asked:
Do you and your boyfriend openly fantasize about you fucking other men when you're having sex with each other? Every time? Some of the time? None of the time?
We have before, yes. Its not an every time kinda thing, but occasionally. And its mostly been a one-way thing. I have mentioned both Brandon and Kyle during sex with him, mostly to tease him and push him over the edge, but he hasn’t ever been the one bringing up other guys.
arossp asked:
What, if anything, do you think is the biggest way you've changed since you started cheating?
Ohhh… a deep question.
I think, honestly, the biggest way ive changed is in learning to be open about what feels good sexually. I feel like I’ve become way less passive in bed, and much more in control of my sex life, and who I share it with. Confidence is huge. Of course, the only way that I can be that sexually confident is by having someone support me in it.
holes4bbc asked:
Length or girth? Or do you care
Easy question…
Girtengh. :)
spiceitup-wifesharing asked:
In your last encounter with Brandon you described how he just used you anyway he wanted and pretty much treated you like a whore. My girlfriends loves that same thing during sex, on occassion. Do you find yourself thinking back to that; wanting it?
Yes, and no.
Sometimes I think back on how hot it was during the act and crave it. Then I think back on how bad I felt afterwards and hate him for it.
If I could have that kind of hot sex, and then not be made to feel cheep and worthless afterward, that would be perfect.
jackmc124 asked:
Would you rather: Have sex with two guys or a guy and a girl?
Hmmm…
Ive been with a few guys, but never more than one at a time. Ive never been with a girl at all.
I suppose, if i had to pick - just out of curiosity, I’d like to try sometime with another lady sometime.
rbd10900 asked:
It baffles me that you have any trouble finding someone who wants to physically be with you..I think you just gotta go to the bar one night and find one of the better looking guys showing off public displays of manliness. Those guys are usually testosterone-filled and easy. Right up your alley! lol... Definitely need to let a friend in on what you've been doing/want to do. Will make it soooooo much easier.
Its not so much that I have a lack of men around. Like you said, I can probably go out any Friday night and pick up some jock in a bar.
The difficulty lies in finding somebody who A- I want to be with, and B- my bf is turned on by the thought of me being with.
Which makes the candidate pool much smaller, because in order for him to fit those two criteria, we are finding that we sorta need to at least be somewhere near “familiar” with the guy, or else it would just feel like me cheating again for my bf, and we dont want that.
hovercrafteel73 asked:
In the spirit of the ask, here goes... Have you given any thought to letting one of your friends know, and letting your boyfriend know that the friend is aware? Do you think it would be better for you (and your boyfriend) if you were going out for a girls' night out and he knew that your friend(s) could and would encourage you to hook up?
Yes… a ton of thought. As I mentioned before. On an Ask.
I probably got like 3 or 4 similar questions about letting a friend know about us.
Trust me, it is wieghing very heavily on my mind at the moment. Im leaning more and more towards telling a friend about us.
adisgruntled0311 asked:
How would you feel if your boyfriend asked for the same freedoms as far as sexual conquest within your relationship?
That’s a tough one.
Honestly, I would probably be a little jealous (and a lot hypocritical).
He likes the idea of sharing me, I dislike the idea of sharing him.
Luckily for me, he hasn’t ever asked for something like that.
enjoyingmyselfalways asked:
How do you feel about fucking married men?
The idea of being “the other woman” for somebody is a dicey one for me. It is very taboo, but might also be hot and totally non-committal. So, I guess that means I am on the fence with it.
My boyfriend really likes the idea of his innocent ***********friend turning into Susie Homewrecker on the side sometime though.
dahlink asked:
Does your boyfriend identify himself as a cuckold? I would assume so, since he clearly enjoys your exploits, but often young men have a difficult time acknowledging something that is so at odds with "culturally appropriate" masculinity. Whether or not he does, he's so lucky to have your affection. If only I had been so lucky years ago! Rock on, young miss!
No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t really like the term at all. He says it makes him sound weak. He just prefers the idea that he “shares” me.
Sometimes I tease him though, and call him “my little cuckold” just to make him blush.
rbd10900 asked:
Oh also, any response yet from Brandon? It blows my mind that he hasn't responded to the card. That was a crazy and awesome power move by you.. It's surprising that he's not dying to take the power in the "relationship" back.. Seems like something that would eat at him
No! I am totally surprised too. I would have thought he would have answered with something by now. But I got nothing. I’m sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop there too, we will have to wait and see I guess.
toricooperauthor asked:
Would you like your bf to watch you with another man or do you prefer to keep him wondering?
I’m not opposed to the idea of him watching sometime. Although that might totally mess with my head if it ever happened. There is something to be said for the thrill of keeping him wondering what I do with other guys though. Sometimes I wonder if maybe his imagination of me with another guy might be hotter for him than seeing the actual act.
July 2015
canorus90 asked:
What happened to Kyle? Do you think you will see him again?
You know, after everything with my sister, I kinda just lost touch with him. It’s not like I have avoided him or anything, I just haven’t talked to him much. I haven’t really made any effort too - it just wasn’t high on my priority list. He did text me a while back, in like March sometime, when I was having a particularly bad day, and I just didn’t feel like talking to him, so I never answered him. I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but I don’t know how he would react if I just texted him right out of the blue again.
toricooperauthor asked:
Maybe this question is too personal and it's ok if you don't answer it but why not tell Kyle about the accident? Wouldn't he understand why you went dark if he knew? Or just keep him on the outside, if you don't want to share that much of yourself with him. Just let him know you went through a family trauma, it was really shattering, and now the pieces of your life are starting to come back together again. You'd like to pick up where you left off, no questions asked.
That’s still an option, I guess. I just don’t know if I am ready for those two sides of my life to meet each other yet. I haven’t been able to think of a good enough lie for him yet about my disappearance, but if something doesn’t happen soon, I may just do that.
7年前
