Fuck Christmas

Another fucking Christmas has passed, and normal life can resume. I haven't always despised Christmas. As a c***d, even as a teen, I looked forward to the festive season, not for the gifts but rather the closeness and security of being part of a family. That is long gone, and it seems I feel more bitter with each passing year, seeing happy families celebrating together. Because of my family (and I use this term loosely) I find no joy in the holiday. I don't want to go into great detail - of the screaming and abusive words exchanged - but since coming out I consider myself an orphan.
Yet this year, as all those previous, I got caught up in the ridiculous last minute rush of spending...buying shit that is supposed to show feelings to loved ones around us (as if every other day of the year isn't enough proof...am I right?). So busy (between work and mindless shopping) I couldn't find the time to spend with the most amazing woman I have ever known. The only thing i truly wanted for Christmas - the one thing i couldn't have. A woman I feel drifting away from me.
A woman that reminded me that there is so much more to life.
I have always suffered from poor self-esteem, self-doubt and self loathing. Probably the driving reason I am so submissive and eager to please.

Here and now, I hate myself. Don't try to change my mind.

I have been damaged goods since I was sixteen...those of you that know my story will understand. I thought I could rise above that, but I guess not.
I'm disgusted at myself for being in a relationship, yet at the same time in love with that most amazing woman.
I feel sick to my belly thinking of the pain that amazing woman must be feeling. I feel sick, saying "I love you", and not hearing it back anymore...
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I'm not sure of the truth in those words. Distance is a fucking monster. Distance is a heartbreaker. But here I am, considering taking a break from here, to test the strength of feelings. Head screaming one thing, my heart whispering another.
One thing is certain though. Christmas sucks.