Forbidden lust

for the longest time now, i have been sexually attracted to my own father. nothing unusual about that, a lot of men have daddy issues that involve sexual fantasies about them, but my situation is drastically different. growing up, my father wasn,t a very nice person at all, treating my family and i very badly indeed, to the point that i now have no love left for him whatsoever and havn,t seen him in 23 years. as far as i,m concerned, he lost the right to call me son a long time ago. despite this fact however, i can,t stop thinking about him sexually, especially lately. i want to be really honest here, this is no normal fantasy, most fantasy's are never acted on and a lot of people are quite happy leaving it that way. i however, know in my heart and mind that i actually want this fantasy to happen. i want to be naked with my father, i want to kiss him, wank him, suck him, rim him and let him fuck me. why would i want my father to use me in this way when i have no love for him anymore? i can,t explain it, but its a desire i think about all the time