Conflicted

I have really been struggling lately with my gaining urges. Part of me wants to loose weight but my god I have such strong urges to just let go and blimp up..Like if I do ever live with/move in with a feeder I doubt I'd be able to resist just being fed, I doubt I can resist it on my own as is currently. Why is it so strong? Is it fate? Am I fated to just be a massive hucow blob?