I wish to be wanted for me and i have dumped habit

Please I can not handle any more emotional pain or trying to be someone i am not. I really like sex but not just in and out as involves competition jealousy spite and assumptions that create rage sometimes which i let go of privately and i like middle age women the best because of autism and other mental difficulties i hve through art left behind. i have struggled against odds to have a job most of my life but a few years just too ill - and i ve known danger survival and helplessness more then i wish to remember.i have two marriages 2 k**s one died of schizo but when well she was a geriatric nurse my son in the Angoelan war a engineer in the airforce in canada and we lived in africa for 3 yrs with each other me another 3 alone she remarried . my second wife i was a full time and worked for a bank care giver- i left because 3 times in ten yrrs 6 mths in hospitals and the finalm prospect of long ter care and i had to do some dicovering what i needed and should be heal in me. I could have pug her in long term but i let her decide even though a social worker was for it i couldn t--sex i have had awful hate assumption trouble i did not agree too and littlwe wish for fame or lots of money. happy pain and is reasonable anbd avoids if kinky emotioal turmoil i cannot staND OR WANT.