What is my kink? (unedited)

My kink is on my mind as i dream, shower, build the city, lounge on the couch and watch netflix, drink beers with friends, especially when i fuck but especially as i cum, its there as i drive home from work and in countless other instances when im awake - its easier to count the times im not daydreaming or doing what i love. There is more to what gets me off than my hand wrapped around a throat careful to keep pressure only on the sides, its different than the flow state i enter in the middle of a two hour scene. Its not just tying someone up, not juat hurting them with care, reading their body and listening to their eyes, not just practicing on me so i know whats good and where hurts, its not just building my own equipment, its not just a hand full of things.

To me, kink is a reflection of my neurosis - its the repetition, the ceremony, the formalization of hundreds of rules noone says with their words but enforce with their silence. Its a comfortable game where everyone knows the rules and how to pause and resume. Its honest.