Some Hilarious Dirty Jokes and Limericks

An elephant and a mouse, lifelong best friends, are walking along a dirt path in Africa. Suddenly, the elephant falls into a big hole and screams for his friend to get him out. The mouse runs home as fast as he can, gets his Mercedes, drives back to the hole, ties a rope to the car and pulls the elephant out of the hole.
The next day, the 2 friends are walking along a dirt path, and this time, the mouse falls into a giant hole. The elephant, not panicking, quickly tosses his dick into the hole, and the mouse climbs out.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
If you have a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes.

A man is out fly fishing. When he begins to lower his line a couple of inches toward the water, a giant fish jumps out of the water to get the fly. A that very moment, a cat happens along and jumps in after the fish but misses and lands in the water, getting soaked and nearly drowning.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Every time a fly gets lowered 2 inches, a pussy gets wet.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A guy walks into a bar, and behind the bar is a sign that says, "Hand Job - $10 Cheese Sandwich - $2."
The guy says to the bartender, "Excuse me, Miss, but are you the lady that gives the handjobs?"
She says, "Yes, I am."
The guy then says, "Well then, wash your hands and fix me a cheese sandwich."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

84. A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane, and the woman constantly sneezes, evoking the man's curiosity. He asks if she's alright, to which she replies that she has a rare medical condition that makes her have an orgasm every time she sneezes.
The man asks her, "What do you take for that?"
"Pepper."

85. The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

86. A couple is on their honeymoon, and the man warns his new wife that he has a baby penis.
The wife consoles her husband and tells him that she loves him and that the size of his penis doesn't matter.
After they get to their honeymoon suite, the man takes off his clothes and displays the biggest penis the woman has ever imagined, so big that it terrifies her.
She says, "I thought you said you had a baby penis."
"Yes," replies her husband. "8 pounds, 14 ounces."

87. There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

88. A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the bank vault. She says "But Sir, it's just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - it's not that hard."

89. There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

90. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

91. This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"

92. A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do pushups until you throw up!"

93. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

94. A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

95. On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

96. Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

97. One day, a wife tells her husband that their mailman is retiring after many years of service and that all of the neighbors have been giving him gifts - cash, checks, gift cards, etc. and that they should do something nice for him, too. The husband says, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar."
When the mailman comes to the door, hoping to get some sort of parting gift, the wife answers the door wearing absolutely nothing, takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the blowjob of his life and then fucks his brains out. Afterward, she takes him to the kitchen, fixes him a large breakfast and after refilling his coffee, slips a $1 bill under his cup.
The mailman says that it's the best gift he could've gotten but that he's quite curious why the sex, the breakfast, and a $1 bill.
The wife tells the mailman, "Well, when I told my husband about your retiring, he said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

98. One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three k**s. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

99. A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

100. A housewife, all alone, hears the doorbell and opens it to find a man standing there who asks, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
The woman thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
The woman, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

101. A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

102. Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

103. The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

104. A ********** and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The ********** sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The ********** runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the ********** five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The ********** says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

105. A ********** is passing by an old man's house carrying some duct tape.
The old man, curious, asks, "**********, where you goin with that duct tape?"
"I got me some duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
"Boy, you can't catch ducks with duct tape," the old man says.
"Watch me," replies the **********, and an hour later, he passes by carrying a bunch of ducks wrapped in the tape.
The next day, the ********** passes by the house with chicken wire.
The old man asks the boy where he's going with the chicken wire.
"I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
"Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire," comes the response from the old man.
"Watch me," says the **********, and an hour later, he passes by the house with a bunch of chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next day, the ********** passes by the house again, but the old man can't see what the boy is carrying.
"What ya got there, boy," asks the old man.
"I got me some pussywillows," says the **********.
"Hold on. Let me get my hat," says the old man.

106. A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

107. Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them get married on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

108. A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

109. A boy is at school and he hears the older k**s talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

110. One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

111. A woman and her ********** were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The ********** asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the ********** again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the ********** walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

112. This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

113. Two ************* boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the k** asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

114. A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

115. A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

116. Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

117. On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

118. A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of a****ls. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

119.
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

120.
Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

121. The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, “I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” A nun in the back responds, “Thank God! I’m so tired of Zinfandel.”

122. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the fucking wall!”

123. Q. What’s the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

A. You can’t gargle sand

124. A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

125. Q. Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

A. Well, you got to hand it to her.

126. Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Doug. The midget!

127. Q) How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A) If she has to chew before she can swallow.

128. Boobs: Proving that guys can focus on two things at once.

129. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

130. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

131. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. It is important to find a woman that loves to have sex. And MOST importantly… It is important that these three women never meet.

132. A tourist from Bulgaria visits the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling out his visa application. The immigration officer looks over the man’s shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write “Twice a week” into the small space labeled “SEX”.

The officer explains “No, no, no… that isn’t what we mean by this question. We are asking ‘Male’ or ‘Female’.”

“Does it matter?” the tourist answers.

133. Mujibar, who has fairly recently immigrated to the United States, is taking his citizenship test. The test administrator says, "Now, Mujibar, I need you to use the words green, pink, and yellow for me coherently. Can you do that?"
"Sure I can, Meester. Dee phone... it go green green green. I pink it up and say yellow, dees is Mujibar."
Mujibar now proudly drives a New York taxi cab.

134. In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the bastards they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote “Returned unopened.”

135. There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in. The moral of this story: the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.

136. Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the ********** goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the ********** goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the ********** says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The ********** replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

137. Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.

138. A fireman is butt fucking a man in a smoke filled room. The Fire Chief walks in and says, "What are you doing? Give this man mouth to mouth."
The fireman says, "I did. How do you think all this shit got started?"

139. Q. Why did God create the orgasm?
A. So women can moan even when they’re happy.

140. Sex with 3 people is called a threesome.
Sex with 2 people is called a twosome.
That explains why they call you handsome!

141. Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

142. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A c***d? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

143. A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal. He goes to the first house, the madam answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?" The madam answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and declines the madam’s offer to enter the premises. He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question. Then at one house he asks, the madam tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big tits and beautiful body sitting on the couch. He pulls out his wallet, hands the madam a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there." I’m sure you would", replies the madam, " but 65 year old Edna sitting over there has seniority!"

144. A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a *********** next door. The *********** is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey ***********. What are you doing?" The *********** says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "*********** that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the ***********. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the *********** has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"***********", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the ***** neck I think you could go faster."
The *********** says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

145. A ********** is passing by an old man's house carrying some duct tape.
The old man, curious, asks, "**********, where you goin with that duct tape?"
"I got me some duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
"Boy, you can't catch ducks with duct tape," the old man says.
"Watch me," replies the **********, and an hour later, he passes by carrying a bunch of ducks wrapped in the tape.
The next day, the ********** passes by the house with chicken wire.
The old man asks the boy where he's going with the chicken wire.
"I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
"Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire," comes the response from the old man.
"Watch me," says the **********, and an hour later, he passes by the house with a bunch of chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next day, the ********** passes by the house again, but the old man can't see what the boy is carrying.
"What ya got there, boy," asks the old man.
"I got me some pussywillows," says the **********.
"Hold on. Let me get my hat," says the old man.

146. A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man. "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

147. A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

148. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane, and soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded, “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well…” she explained “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native America Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that lovers with the best stamina are from the Southern states of America.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto.” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

149. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

150. A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. “Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two c***dren.” “That’s what you think!” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE c***dren.” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

151. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’ll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.

152. On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”
I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

153. I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

154. A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

155. A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says, “For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common.” The husband says “Well, neither of us suck dick.”

156. A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”

157. Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

158. As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

159.
An American is on vacation in Paris, France. Sitting at an outdoor cafe, casually eating and minding his own business, the American man is disturbed by a rude (typical) Frenchman who sits down at the table across from the American.
The Frenchman rudely (as usual for Frenchmen) asks the American, "Do you eat bread in America?"
"Of course we do."
The Frenchman, laughing quite hysterically, replies, "Well, in France, we eat only the finest croissants and then save the crumbs and recycle them into your shitty sliced American bread."
A little while later, the Frenchman rudely (as usual for Frenchmen)asks the American man, "Do you drink beer in America?"
"Of course we do," came the reply.
Trying to hold back his laughter, the Frenchman responds, "Well, in France, we drink only the finest wines and then we save our piss and recycle it into your American beer."
By this time, the American has had it and knows that he has to one up the rude Frenchman, asking him, "Do you chew gum in France?"
"Oui. Sometimes, we do, of course," the Frenchman replied.
The American, smiling quite contently, knowing he is about to have his victory, continues, "Well, in America, we fuck only the hottest women and save our used condoms and recycle them into chewing gum for the French."

160.
Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

161. Q) What do you call the spot between a woman's vagina and her butthole?

A) A chinrest!

162. A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

163. A man is dating a very beautiful woman that he's crazy about and wants to make a good impression on her family. He finally gets invited to dinner at his girlfriend's parents' house.
After a while, the man feels a fart coming on but is afraid to let it out, knowing that it might ruin his chances of getting in good with his girlfriend's parents.
He slowly lets out a test fart that, as far as he could tell, makes no noise. Quite happy with the result, the man lets out another fart, which this time, does make noise, but his girlfriend's father says, "Rover!"
Knowing that the dog has been blamed, the man continues to fart all through dinner, every time, hearing the father say, "Rover!"
Finally, the man lets out a huge fart, finally relieving his stomach, expecting the dog to again be blamed for it. The father shouts, "Rover, get the hell away from him before he shits on you!"

164. Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women, eating bananas.
"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he knew those women.
"No, Watson, I didn't know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson asks how he knew their identities.
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into small pieces. The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."

165. A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

166. A tractor salesman walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting at the bar quite despondent. Attempting to comfort his friend, he asks what's wrong. His friend tells him that he wouldn't understand, which he protests, so his friend begins...
"This morning, I went out to milk ole Bessie. She wouldn't quit flickin' me with her tail. I tied her tail up over the barn rafter with a rope and started milkin' her again. Damned if she didn't start to kick me with one of her hind legs. So I used another piece of rope and tied the leg up over the rafter. Well then she started to kick me again with her other hind leg, so I had to use my belt to tie her leg to somethin'. By the time I started to milk her again, my pants fell down, and if you can convince my wife that I was only tryin' to milk that damned cow, I'll buy a tractor off of you!"

167. A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

168. Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

169. A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

170. One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

171. A married woman of 10 years goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah..." she says, "that's okay. We wouldn't go back to that restaurant anyway."

172. A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

173. There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I can't get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she can't get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won't go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

174. A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

175. A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

176. Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

177. It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
178. One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

179. One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

180. A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

181. Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins ******* her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

182. A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

183. The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

184. "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

185. A woman walks into a d**gstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

186. A man says to his wife, "I want some kinky sex. How about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

187. A ********** went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

188. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

189. A man is quite distraught that he has a humongous penis. It's so huge that it causes constant discomfort and sometimes, even pain, not to mention that few women will have sex with him because it's too huge. The man finds a genie lamp and rubs the lamp, bringing the genie out. The genie agrees to give the man 1 wish. The man, not feeling a need for extravagant wealth, a big house, beautiful women, etc., wants only 1 thing, to make his penis more normal.
The genie says that all the man has to do is approach a woman and ask her if she will have sex with him. If the woman says no, the man's penis will shrink by 1 inch. The man tries it time after time, each time, shrinking his penis the 1 inch. He approaches another woman, thinking maybe it will be the last time he tries. The woman tells him no, but the man decides that his penis is still just an inch too big and decides that he'll give it one last try to get it just the size he wants.
He approaches the woman again and asks if she'll have sex with him, making the woman very angry. The woman, in disgust, yells at him, "For the last fucking time, asshole, I said no! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

190. The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "c***dren, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

191. A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

192. A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her pussy. When she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted."

193. Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

194. One night, a gay man is jogging through the park and sees a homeless man passed out on a bench. He decides that he has a good chance for a fuck and fucks the hell out of the bum's ass without him waking up. Afterward, the man feels bad and leaves the homeless man $5.
The next day, the homeless man wakes up and sees the $5 and goes to the liquor store and buys $5 of their cheapest wine.
That night, the same gay man is jogging through the park again, again sees the homeless man passed out, has his way with him, and leaves him $5.
The next morning, the bum wakes up and sees the $5 and goes to the liquor store to buy $5 of the cheapest wine they have.
That night, the gay man is again jogging through the park with 2 friends. They see the homeless bum sleeping on the bench and all have their way with him, all leaving him $5.
The next day, the homeless guy wakes up and sees the 3 $5 bills and heads to the liquor store and asks for $15 of their best wine. The guy at the counter asks why the sudden change in drinking from $5 of the cheapest wine every day to $15 of the best wine.
The bum leans in and whispers, "Honestly, that other shit was makin' my ass hurt!"

195. One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

196. A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Cuz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

197. "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!?

198. A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"

199. WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

200. A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Obama is in the road very upset. He does not have the $5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

201. Q. In blackjack, why is a 17 called a “mother-in-law?”
A. You’d love to hit it, but you know that you can’t.

202. I told my wife that I want to try anal sex. She said that it was a weird coincidence because she’s been having sex with an asshole for years.

203. My wife told me that she wanted 12 inches and wanted it to hurt. The best that I could come up with was to fuck her twice and punch her in the head.

204. Little Timmy brings his cat to school and cannot stop bawling his eyes out, prompting his teacher to ask him why. He tells her, “I heard my daddy say, ‘When Timmy leaves for school, I’m going to eat that pussy.’ I’m saving him!”

205. After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a *********** lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A,” although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

206. Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.
Friend: Alright.
Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You decided to get drunk.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You went to the bar.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You found a hot chick there.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You both came into your room and had sex.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: Next morning you wake up.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: And she says...
Friend: I am a man.

207. A good woman is like a mosquito. She doesn’t stop sucking until you smack her!

208. On their wedding night, the husband can't believe that his wife is actually a virgin and feels the need to ask her, "Is this really your first time?"
The wife gets a little mad and shouts, "I don't know why people keep asking me that!"

209. A trucker has been driving forever and stops at a little whorehouse outside of the next town. He walks in, slaps down $500 and tells the madam, "I want your ugliest girl and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The madam protests, "But, Sir, for that much money, you could have my most beautiful girl and a 3-course meal!"
The trucker casually looks the madam up and down and replies, "Listen, Darlin', I ain't horny. I'm just homesick."

210. A nun comes to confession and begins, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis."
The priest replies, "That is shameful, Sister! I want you to go outside and wash your eyes with holy water!"
"Yes, Father."
The nun does as she's told, and the next nun follows into the confessional.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have touched a man's penis!"
"That is awful, Sister! That's worse than the last one! I want you to go out immediately, say twenty Hail Marys, and wash your hands with holy water!"
"Yes, Father."
After the nun goes out of the confessional, the priest hears a great commotion and goes out to see what is the matter. Two more nuns are fighting with each other.
"Break this up right now," demands the priest. "What is the meaning of this?!"
One of the nun vehemently informs the priest, "Father, I don't care what you say! I am not washing my mouth in that water after she sits in it!"

211. A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

212. Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

213. Q. What is the definition of “making love?”
A. Something that a woman does while a man is fucking her.

214. A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he asked his grandfather, "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them," his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied, "Cold Water, go lie down"

215. I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So, I wrote back, "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

216. A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon, another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returns home is "Mom, what's a blowjob?" His mom replies, "Five dollars, just like downtown!"

217. Q. What is the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. Men will spend 2 hours searching for a golf ball.

218. Q. What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie. (Of course, you can do the other thing, too, but if you do, don’t tell anyone.)

219. I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

220. A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account, now!" "I'm very sorry, Sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

221. A casting director meets a woman in a bar and tells her about his job and some parts that he is casting for, which excites the woman greatly. He tells her that she has to have sex with him to get one of the parts. They go to his house and both strip, but upon seeing the man’s tiny penis, she asks, “What the hell is that?!”
The man replies, “It’s my dick!”
“It looks like a peanut.”
“Yeah, well, you better get over here and suck my peanut!”
The woman is unsure if she should proceed, exclaiming, “But I won’t even know if I have it in my mouth, and it won’t make me gag!”
The man quickly informs her, “It’s called acting, Bitch!”

222. Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?

223. Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

224. The teacher said to the k**s tell us about something that means a lot to the world. And john proceeded to the chalkboard and wrote "CUNT" and the teacher said that is wildly inappropriate explain it or get it off the board. He said, “c-is for country; u-is for union; n is for nation; t-is for taxation. Take away the c - no country. Take away the u, there is no union. Take away the n, and there is no nation. Take away the t, and there is no taxation.” Another student chimed in "And take away the cunt and there is no population."

225. A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"

226. A ********** and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The ********** asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.”

227. An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

228. A ther****t told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up. She replied, "You mean, imagine that it's good?”

229. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take asip."
So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."
- Next Sunday, there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

230. This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read thebible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

231. A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest," asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard, and he's so proud of it, he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale, and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

232. The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled their triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game and thought hard about the subject before the Russian ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette" He led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob. Take your pick.”
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, “One of them is a cannibal!"

233. Q. Why can’t scientists finally find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can’t find a way to get the lab mice to ass fuck!

234. Q. Why did God give each man a penis?
A. So that he would have at least one way of shutting a woman up.

235. Q. Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women?
A. Because a woman that can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

236. Q. Why did the gay man think that his lover was cheating?
A. He always came home shitfaced.

237. The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents:
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars. The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for Congress like everyone else.

238. Q. Why is the space between the tits and the hips called a “waist?”
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits there.

239. A guy walks into the fanciest restaurant in town and says to the maître d, "Where's the motherfucking manager, you cock sucking asswipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, Sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here? I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over to the man and is immediately asked, "Are you the *************** manager of this fucking joint?"
"Yes, Sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this restaurant.”
"Fuck off," replies the man. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon," says the manager.
"So, you’re fuckin’ deaf, too, huh? You little piece of sniveling shit, show me your fucking piano!”
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job." He shows the man to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," the man says and proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honkytonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb! What’s it called,” the manager asks.
"I want to fuck your wife on the sofa, but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the man knows any jazz. The man proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a fuck over the washin' machine, but my dick got caught in the soap drawer.”
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The man then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called," asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the man.
The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him the job, on the condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite the piano player, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress. Her tits are almost falling out of her top, and the skimpy little G string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her ass. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots, and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the man, and he runs off to the bathroom to jerk off. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that damned pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his load and in a fluster, he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down, and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, and whispers in his ear, “Do you know your cock and balls are hanging out of your pants and dripping spunk on your shoes?"
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

240. A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. A woman saw the 2 cute babies and started asking the man, "Aren't they cute? What are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know".
The lady then asked, "Are they both boys or girls or one of each?"
The man looked angrier still and replied, "I don't know!"
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father! I am just a condom salesman, and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"


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New Jokes of the Old Country: Irish Jokes to Drink By

By Marcus Albey

Smashwords Edition

******

Published by:
Marcus Albey on Smashwords

New Jokes of the Old Country: Irish Jokes to Drink By
Copyright © 2015 by Marcus Albey

Dia Dhuit (Hello)

I can post these jokes because I’m just a wee bit Irish, my pinkie toe, I think.

God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn’t take over the world, and he invented jokes so the Irish would keep laughing enough to keep drinking the whiskey.

Q: How does every Irish joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What is black and blue and found floating upside down in the Irish sea?
A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

Q: How does an Irishman find a sheep in tall grass?
A: very satisfying!

Q: What is an Irish 7 course meal?
A: a 6 pack and a potato

Q: What is the great Irish dilemma?
A: whether to eat the potato or let it ferment and drink it later

A guy walks into an Irish bar and takes a seat. Pretty soon, 2 guys sitting at the bar start carrying on. 1 of them says to the other, "Hey, laddy, where might you be from?" The other says, "I'm from Dublin." "You're from Dublin?! I'm from Dublin! Let's drink!" After a while the first guy says to the other, "Where in Dublin ya grow up, laddy?" "Whoy, I grew up on McCullough Street." "You grew up McCullough Street?! I grew up on McCullough Street! Let's drink!" The guy observing all of this turns to the bartender and asks, "What the hell is with those 2 guys?" The bartender says, "Oh, that's just the McCarty brothers at it again."

A man walks into the bathroom at an Irish bar and sees a guy with his head stuck in the urinal. The guy asks the other guy, "What the hell you doin'?" "Ah, just blowin' the froth off another one!"

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’
He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’
Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’
Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!’
Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar.
He sees a lamp at the end of the table.
He walks down to it and rubs it.
Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.”
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.
The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.
The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The Irish man says, “I want two more of these.”

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: 1 less drunk.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”
“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.”

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, “I’ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinnesses in 10 minutes.”
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One Irish guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that Irish guy comes back and asks the American, “Is that bet still on?”
“Sure,” he says.
So the bartender lines 10 pints of Guinness up on the bar the Irish man drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, “Where did you go when you just left?”
The Irish man answers, “I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it.”

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary in Ireland was dying. The Irish nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

A traditional Irish drinking toast:
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends! May they never meet each other!”

An Irishman, new to America, decides that he could use some extra money and walks into a nearby pub to try his luck at betting. After taking several gulps of his beer, he proposes to the bartender, “I bet you I can piss clear across this bar and into that glass on the other end. If I can’t, I’ll give you $100.”
“You got a deal, Buddy,” the bartender agrees.
The Irishman whips out his dick and begins to piss, but instead of pissing into the glass at the other end of the bar, he pisses all over the bar, the floor, the stools, even the bartender’s face. The bartender, however, doesn’t get mad but only laughs hysterically, followed by the Irishman laughing and placing a $100 bill on the bar.
“Why are you so cheery, Bud,” asks the bartender. “You just lost $100.”
“Yes, Sir, I did,” exclaims the Irishman, “but you see them 3 lads at the table over there? I bet them $500 that I could piss all over your bar, your floor, your stools, and even on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you’d be happy!”

What 3 words does an Irishman hate to hear during sex?
“Honey, I’m home.”

An Irish couple is on their honeymoon. The husband cannot believe that his new bride is a virgin and asks her if she really is. She vehemently and angrily replies, “I don’t know why everybody keeps asking me that!”

One Irishman asks another, “Do you understand German?”
The other man happily tells him, “Sure, if it’s spoken in Irish!”

Two Irishman are out looking for work and see a sign that says, “Tree Fellers Wanted.” The first Irishman turns to the second and says, “Ah, if only Seamus was wit us. We’d get that job fer sure!”

Michael O’Malley walks into a hardware store and asks for nails. The clerk asks him, “How long would you like these nails, Lad?”
“Oh, forever, if that’d be alright with you.”

An Irishman is at the bar, and the barkeep tells him that it is time to close up. The man stands up to leave and suddenly falls. “Oh my,” he says, “I must’ve had way too much to drink.” He crawls home and sneaks into bed, hoping his wife won’t hear. The next morning, when he wakes up, his wife is cooking, and the Irishman thinks, "Woo! Got out of one with the wife last night!" His wife walks into the room and tells him, “The bar keep called. You forgot your wheelchair last night.”

The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

The Doctor was puzzled. “I'm very sorry, Mr. O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.”
“Don't worry about it, Dr. Cullen. I'll come back when you're sober,” said O' Flaherty.

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. A Texan asked him if he was homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman. “It's worse. I have lost all me luggage.”
“That's terrible. How did that happen?”
“The cork fell out of me bottle,” said Paddy.

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar...
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinnesses up on the bar. The Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."


Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.
Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.
The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.
When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital, and they were a bit naïve.
'Lord above, Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick.
'Why's that Mick,' responds Paddy.
'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?'
'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?'
'No,' says Mick, 'but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.'

O'Connor was sitting in Ward's Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.
'Does your dog bite?' asks Murphy.
'No,' replies O'Connor.
So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.
'Hey!' screams Murphy, 'you said your dog didn't bite, O'Connor.'
'That's not my dog, Murphy,' concludes O'Connor.

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'
'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

One night, Mrs. McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello, Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory."
Paddy shook his head. "Ah, Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."
Mrs. McMillen starts crying. "Oh, don't tell me that. Did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really. He got out 3 times to pee!"

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,” I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind. I found one."

Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
A: There's one less drunk.

Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.

Q: What do you call two gay Irish men?
A: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Q: What is Irish diplomacy?
A: It's the ability to tell a man to go to Hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it" So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Has me house got all this here?”
The agent replied "Certainly, ye have…Why do you ask?"
Murphy smiled and replied, "Cancel the sale. The place sounds grand to me."

John O’Leary, a Dublin resident, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark Halloween night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John O’Leary sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.” Look Paddy....there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”

An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried Paddy. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

A double-h******e defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

And one last one…

A guy is out walking through the woods. He spots a wee little man standing on a tree stump, dressed all in green, with pointy shoes and a big, bushy, red beard. The guys asks the little guy, “Are you a leprechaun?”
The little man replies, “Why, I guess I am, laddy.”
“I get 3 wishes, right?”
“Shore, ye do, laddy, but there is a catch. I ain’t had me a good piece o’ arse in a while. Ye let me fook ye, and ye get yer tree wishes,” happily suggests the little guy.
The other one thinks it over and figures it a small price to pay to have anything that he wants and agrees. As the little guy is plugging away on the much taller guy, he asks him, “So, what’s your name, boy’o?”
“Tommy.”
“And how old might ye be, Tommy?”
“27.”
“Aye, Tommy, 27, and ye still believe in leprechauns, do ye?!”