Who was CrazyLilPsycho

I talked about my fucked up life but between the ages 3rd grade until 7th it was pretty normal, and a little bit normal after high school in short stints so I will go over who I was.

When I started 2nd grade I noticed this really annoying and popular girl, everything was so right for her, no one hated her, teachers loved her, her parents was such pillars of the community and i was fucking jealous, some of the best grades and everyone had a crush on her. It made me sick- I was in my head thinking what makes her so special, what made her lovable and why was I not!! I started mimicking her behavior and trying to do as much stuff like her which would have been great except she eventually went out for cheerleading and I begged my parents to let me go, well eventually my mother allowed and my dad was even agreeing (i might have thrown a hissy fit or 100's to the point where their wasn't a lot property not smashed) so when they turned it in the teacher said "I noticed you didn't put the $50 charge in" i didn't know it cost money so my dad was like "Hell no, this is a ripoff!!" as the teacher was saying "well it is for supplies and uniforms-" he just demanded we leave as I was being dragged away. Oh I was so mad so i decided what ever she could do I would do better, she got a 98% on a test and I had to get 100% on the next test, she went to play sports and I pushed the limits of my body to be just as athletic as her. She started reading, I read more. She broke her leg which I was trying to figure out how to break mine. This is kind of proof I was a little crazy as a teeny tiny umm, they wont let me use the K word so um.. you know

Mom came in one time as I was doing everything to break my leg. When she caught me she asked me why I was doing it, I mean she had everyone fawning over "let me sign your cast" and I was fucking jealous. She explained it hurt having a broken bone. I just didn't care I wanted that cast so we was on equal playing field. My dad heard and said "If you are stupid enough to break your leg I won't take you to the ER!" Eventually I gave up and discovered I could sprain my ankle and get support so well I did that. One of her friends noticed how hard I was trying to keep up with her. "all you are doing is faking while she is really hurt. It is pathetic!!" so eventually I gave up and by accident I broke my arm from tripping over my dad's lunchbox after the dog was running around. While i was in pain and the physical pain was mild to me but constant. My dad demanded he still wouldn't take me to the ER. After 2 hours in pain from a broken arm my mom thrown a fit and he took me. So the doctor was pretty much an idiot who refused to X-ray it and to go home, i demanded he X-ray before i left, turns out it was broken twice and had to put a cast on. Next day I wore that cast with pride but she was already out of hers. So I was pretty much the only person injured at that time now and the support for injuries was played out. She came up and asked "Did you really break your arm? Let me sign it" and signed it and she started making everyone else sign it to look popular. First taste of being popular and I really like it. I really liked her too.

3rd grade started and i spend the entire last year researching her behaviors and habits, to how she ate Cheetos, studying for tests, doing her homework, ect.. I practiced writing so much I could almost copy her homework letter for letter. That is how much I worked to be popular except, Kindergarten, 1st grade & past incidents could never really change the people opinions about me. I relented to create a entirely new experience from that day on the past didn't matter. Well to other people the past very much mattered, but I kept trying to work harder and harder to clean up that image. Until it wasn't just cleaning up that image it was a complete personality change, from aggressive and having hissy fits I went to very retracted, introverted & reclusive, absorbing myself in books, learning and maintaining a strict schedule from the start of 4th grade while I put over 2 years into becoming this person I never noticed her own change into someone with a little more carefree behavior, while things my family did was just accepted as well, unavoidable idiocracy to ignore. Slowly she became less popular and I figured it was my chance to really pour it on and finally succeed in something I worked my life off for. Sadly this was not the case, her shrinking popularity didn't affect her like how being unpopular affected me. She made lots of new friends while I struggled to keep 3. Eventually even those 3 left me cause in my schedule I didn't make time for them. It became second nature to behave like all that work i had done.

5th grade started and boys noticed boobs which was kind of up my alley, I figured I have something that will give me the edge except she became popular again and boys developed crushes on the counselor, while all the other girls had boobs like Kim Possible the counselor had full bouncy breasts where, I am not k**ding she had pretty much every boy in line going single file like a head lice check. I modeled my outfits on hers, her style of crossing her legs, putting her hair up on some days, wearing button up blouses, and showing sophistication on a level well no other girl did, so I wanted heels and told my mother i want to wear them, she explained that they get expensive quick but I didn't care if it made me popular, which for awhile it did but then again popularity is such a fleeting thing, her outfits so varied that well heels I had didn't fit other outfits so I had to pick a type that fit 1 color shoe and picked black, while she could pull of a blue dress (boys loved) i was stuck looking like i was an exchange student from a catholic or British boarding school, so I had 2 shoes one for PE and 1 for class so one day I was going to remove my shoes for PE and start, that day their was trying out for volleyball, I joined as everyone was complimenting her not just her team but the team i was on, they passed it to her 17 times in a roll with a big girl named Robin saying that it was wrong. Just to explain it better she was taller than me. So in a bit of INSANITY i jumped at every time that ball crossed the net ******* it straight at her to a point she struggled to keep up. I meant to strike it by jumping and slamming it straight at her head. Teacher yelled at me "THAT'S ENOUGH, WALK IT OFF!!" (i was ******* it so hard one time making contact so hard it knocked her down and Robin had to deflect it away from smacking her in the face) I felt really bad as every looked at me with horror, My bad life- the life of competition with someone who wasn't even trying against me just made my instability show. I finished walking 8 laps as she set beside me, "You was scary out there.." as i thought it was going to be a threat "Listen I am sorry, i don't know what came over me" "It's ok! I am fine and its water under the bridge" before getting up and leaving after swapping shoes. My eyes just noticed her nice body from the back side, she was wearing skin tight shorts and a normal white t-shirt.

6th grade started and she went out for band, sure I was hoping the to get into band cause she was trying out for it. but no, They said "you need to buy a instrument" i pleaded is their any way I could just like rent a instrument from the school? I will do it with lunch money, I don't need to eat!! eventually after screaming that i wanted to go for band and my mom said yes but my dad still said NO!! we was at my Uncle's house when he said "Can you believe I want to go to band?" my uncle said "Band is a wonderful idea, We had a daughter who played the flute (they was neglectful parents and I can explain later) She is out of school but I think she still has her instrument in her old room" so I was excited to finally do something that we could both enjoy mostly so i could keep up with my life long rivalry with a person who couldn't give a fuck about it. She was happy when I came in, I was too. She had picked a flute and I thought we would be competing for first chair. No, this was FAR off- they considered a Clarinet a Flute, so i was not even next to her, while she was on the end I was in the middle, While she was first chair i was 6th in a Clarinet, a girl said from behind me said "I thought you said you was a flute?" pointing out it was wrong Bitches name was Cherish who actually was scoffing at me for being wrong? I was like "Wah? No, I wouldn't want to compete with Allison, she has been so nice to me!" but yes, it was entirely a mistake and I lied to cover my ass. It sort of worked as she smiled and said ok. Cherish played the Sax and I mean really well like Lisa Simpson. What did Allison do? "You are a lot better than me! I just hope I don't make you look bad" again Cherish scoffed at me, "I don't think it will be you that makes me look bad" shooting a look at me. In all fairness we never learned but Cherish has been practicing before doing band so she had the most innate skill.

Band went awful until my sibling realized I was playing the Clarinet and started laughing so hard "You remind me of that cartoon squid" "What are you talking about" making a joke about off key playing "Squidward!! That's his name.. Squidward!! keeps on mimicking his bad playing" i went back to playing "You know he plays the Clarinet too, most hated instrument in band" "It isn't the MOST hated instrument" my mom bellowed back "OK, Fine, SECOND but definitely after the Tuba!" which they whisper they played in band. I just looked down at it and realized this is a suicide note in my hands "it's the girl equivalent to the tuba" so with that 'suicide note' i decide to end it. went to my room and hung myself. Sadly they found me with rope burns around my neck and took me to the ER even after I said I was fine. The nurse calls the police and they send me to an asylum for observation, so while graduating 6th grade was OK, i stayed for pretty much the entire summer vacation getting help

This is where they really fucked up my head, they put me on pills, psychologically told me how to behave, how a good girl should behave, it was a classic case of brain washing. Good girls don't commit suicide, Good girls don't have hissy fits, Good girls dress proper, Good Girls never do this, Good girls never do that, If I broke the rules even slightly it was serious, they would lock you in a room until you learned your lesson, so by the time I got out i was calling my mom and dad "yes ma'am" & "yes sir" acting way over my age. When I started 7th grade I was completely changed and only a fraction of who i was before remained. Their was incidents where I was picking up a chair gritting my teeth preparing to ram a steel chair's leg through his head before the conditioning kicked in just caused me to collapse in fear -_- now i mean i also survived electro-convulsive therapy too which well makes a situation far worse. But by 8th grade I didn't compete with Allison anymore, I was in full time 'GOOD GIRL' mode, I would sit alone on a wall in private slowly munching food like a mouse, get in class and paying close attention to my teachers, while homework was an issue on itself it didn't stop me from getting high test scores and maintaining graduating grades

I start dating someone which cause of the conditioning pretty much robbed me of offering anything good to the table, everything i was doing was on auto pilot, kissing was very boring, my attraction to them was nonexistent, sure they wanted sex and i 'offered to alleviate' their desire, no, see that is funny to me, alleviate (while it sounds like a medical procedure, i actually treated it like one) i was just offering my hand to use like it wasn't even attached to me. their was not even hostility about them cheating on me, he was a psychopath cause while i just didn't care what happened he used that as getting by with everything, if he ran into trouble he just played roulette with my condition. so when it ended as my mom was literally tired of his ass, I was relieved that I didn't have to endure him anymore. When he wanted his Red/Black varsity jacket back I tossed it in the trash and just walked off, now how some girls want to respond is exactly like that but i was emotionally dead at the situation I could have just dropped it, I could have given it back, but I went for option C, it was a most appropriate action that the GOOD GIRL would do. THAT is how brainwashed i was, it was like gasoline & bleach dumped on it being crammed in a wood chipper

I ate the same thing every day, I watched the same thing every day, went to bed at the same time, i did the same things every day while i was under the brainwashing. It took years and STILL is taking a long time to break free, cause 1 summer vacation worth of hell has taken over 8 years to undo