aileen_umberlion

Blink and you may miss it!

I am finally accepting new applicants to serve me. To be considered, you must pay close attention to the following paragraphs and respond accordingly.


If the instructions below seem obvious to you, then you may be exactly the sort of gentleman I seek. Sadly, there are those out there for whom common sense and good manners are not yet a reflex. The tiresome, remedial-level didactic lecturing is for those chaps – not you! For you, my enlightened pet, just provide the information I have requested, whilst dazzling me with your charm and wit.

The obvious: I am extremely selective, and all applications are vetted with a strict eye. A lack of willingness to send an application as I have outlined shows an inability to follow basic instructions. Such individuals will be disqualified, with pleasure.


It should not surprise you that etiquette is important to me, so be certain to address me by name (i.e., Dear Umerblion), and to sign with your name, which should be unique enough that you do not get lost amongst the 10,000 other ‘John Smiths’ who thoughtlessly applied.

Your application must outline your experience, interests, hard limits, medical concerns, and what you would hope to achieve in a session with me – along with any other information pertinent to your situation. If you have verifiable references, attach them in the post . Do not forget to give your location; it is essential. If you have questions, you may add them after your completed application. It is only fair that those who cannot be bothered to answer my questions will not have their questions answered by me.

I am happy to consider travelling to suitable gentlemen (in parts of the world I care to visit), as long as my travel expenses are covered. If this is your wish, then you are most welcome to send an application. If you hope to see me somewhere other than United Kingdom but you cannot cover my travel expenses, kindly do not send emails asking me to contact you when I will be travelling to your part of the world. Show your initiative and keep track of me, rather than asking me to keep track of you. Any travel plans I have will be posted on all of my social media as soon as the dates are confirmed. Let them be your guide as to when you should attempt arrangements.

Aside from applications to serve me, courteous and intelligent messages are also always welcome. I am overwhelmingly pleased by the quality of my viewers, as proven by the delightfully literate and creative mail I am presented with. Do understand that while all appropriate letters will be passed on to me by my secretary and I will read and appreciate each personally, I do not have as much time to reply as one would wish. Please do not resend messages. It will only further overload a very stressed inbox and actually slow (or negate entirely) any chance of a reply. Your understanding of this is appreciated. Remember, patience is an essential quality for anyone who hopes to connect with me, especially as I have no patience of my own to spare!

Do be aware that I am not seeking personal slaves and such requests will not receive a reply. If you had planned to make such a request, please do not waste your valuable time doing so.

You may write to me at ‘mistressumberlion at gmail dot com’. A proper application form will be found here shortly.


Thank you for being one of the few who is curious, literate, and courteous enough to read my rather wordy profile right to the end! You are probably not the type to need the instructions above, are you? Good!